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    Laws Of The Natural Universe

    These are the laws of the natural universe: ~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. ~ Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. ~ Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong...
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    Bloke Etiquette

    Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed or beaten by his fellow partygoers. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master b. The moment...
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    Things Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife

    17. "I finished the Oreos" 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!" 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" 13. "Well, couldn't they induce...
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    Smart Dog

    A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!" The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog ... this dog can play the piano!" The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay ... and have a drink on the house!" The guy...
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    What's In A Name?

    What's in a name ? Apparently, alot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you *really* means..... Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money. Dear -- Probably a...
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    The Rules Of Golf

    LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost...
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    Gold Digger

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    Medical Breakthrough Medications

    St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they...
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    Classified Ads

    Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FOUND: DIRTY...
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    Animals' Thoughts

    Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl." Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!" Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!" Goldfish: "The...
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    Diary of a Quitting Smoker

    Day 1: Shit. Day 1 again only the next day: Have tried to kill husband twice. Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done. Same for bathroom. Am suddenly thinking this has upside. Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches...
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    How Could You?

    The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley. The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in...
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    Subliminal Suggestion

    Hi. I'm Todd. I'd like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological phenomenon (sleep with me) that has been in the media forefront (I'm your love slave) in the past few years. I'm talking about subliminal suggestion. Subliminal suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which the...
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    Marriage Anonymous

    There is a new, specialized service called "Marriage Anonymous" WOMEN: When you feel like getting married, you call Marriage Anonymous and they send over a man in a dirty T-shirt who hasn't shaved in three days, smells like stale beer, and whines at you to make him a snack while he lies on the...
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    A Woman's Little Instruction Book

    * If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high. * Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it- yourself types. * The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him. * Never trust a man who says he's the...
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    Honey, I'll Be Right Back

    This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go into town, tease the barmaids and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going coochy cooh...?" asked the wife...
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    The Hormone Hostage

    The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other...
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    Dear Connie.......

    Dear Connie, I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to...
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    Top 10 Online Lies

    10. "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend". 9. "You're different...........I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before." 8. "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile...............but tell me more about yourself." 7. "I never do cybersex...