Have an Imperfectly Happy Holiday

talk2me452002 · 12-15-2005, 11:59 AM

JUST THOUGHT I WOULD START A THREAD..I KNOW NOT NORMAL FOR ME...BUT SOME PPL REALLY HAVE A HARD TIME WITH THE HOLIDAYS...AND I RUN ACCROSS THIS,AND THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP......I KNOW ITS ALITTLE LONG ,BUT GOOD READING,AND I DO HOPE FOR THOSE WHO STRUGGEL THREW THESE HOLIDAYS THEY FIND SOME COMFORT ,AND SOULITIONS IN THIS THREAD...HUGS AND MUCH LOVE..MERRY CHRISTMAS

It's that time of year again, when into the dark little month of December we squeeze Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Near Year's Eve, and a myriad of other celebrations... and all the school plays, office parties, and community gatherings that go with them. Throw into the mix a generous dose of unrealistic expectations, budget-busting shopping, dysfunctional family feasts, airplane flights, darker days, colder weather, excess eating and drinking, and no wonder that along with "peace on earth, goodwill toward men," come anxiety, exhaustion, and depression.

But this year you can do something to spin your stress into the gold that is the promise of the season. Understanding and relinquishing your unrealistic expectations are the best ways I know to beat the blues. Here are three truths about the holidays that may help.

There is no such thing as a normal holiday...
'The first thing you can do to reduce holiday angst is to delete the word "normal" from your vocabulary. I once saw a bumper sticker that read, "Normal is someone you don't know very well." This is always a good thing to keep in mind, especially now, when we assume that the normal people are all having happier, healthier, and more harmonious holidays than we are. We imagine their mailboxes stuffed with Christmas cards and party invitations, their homes decorated in Martha Stewart splendor, their intact and idyllic families primed for weeks of good cheer.
don't know these people--do you? In my work at I have met thousands of people from all walks of life. I have yet to meet a "normal" one, if normal means consistently sane, contented, and capable. And yet most of us hold ourselves up to an unattainable standard of human perfection. The 12th-century Sufi poet Rumi called this phenomenon the "Open Secret". He said each one of us is trying to hide the same secret from each other—not some racy or evil secret, but the mere fact of our flawed humanness. We expend so much energy trying to conceal our ordinary bewilderment at being human, or our loneliness in the crowd, or that nagging sense that everyone else has it more together than we do, that we miss out on the chance to really connect, which is what we ultimately long for. Especially during the holidays. Even those people who may seem to be living out our idealized vision of the season have an Open Secret.
This holiday season, open up your Open Secret. Overcome your embarrassment at being human, and tell a friend that you didn't get one party invitation. Maybe she will reveal the same thing, or she'll bring you to the one party on her list, or together you'll go to your local homeless shelter and help the kids decorate the tree. Tell your brother that you are worried about how much your mother drinks at Christmas dinner; ask him to support you in dealing more honestly with her this year. Don't just say "Fine!" when a colleague asks how you are at the office party. Say, "Sometimes all this ho-ho-ho makes me feel lonely." You'll be surprised by the response. Suddenly a mere acquaintance will open up to you, and soon you'll feel more connected, not only to him, but to the real meaning of the holidays. And talking about meaning...

The holidays are about joy, but also about struggle...
All of the religious parables at the heart of the holidays are about awakening joy in times of darkness. They are about hope and hopelessness; home and exile; celebration and grief. They are never just about joy. Joy is the gold we mine on the spiritual path, but that path traverses all sorts of uncertain and difficult terrain. So when you feel the darkness of the season settle in your heart, you can connect with a whole lineage of spiritual seekers who have wrestled with the human condition throughout history.
Turn to the spiritual teachings of Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, winter solstice, and the lesser-known December holidays. You probably didn't know that December 8 is Rohatsu, which commemorates the day in 566 BC when the Buddha attained enlightenment. Like Mary and Joseph who found no welcome at the inn and birthed the baby Jesus in a manger, and like the Maccabees who reclaimed the desecrated Temple and lit the miraculous light celebrated on Hanukkah, the Buddha awakened his joy after a long struggle, under a tree, alone and hungry.
Richard Rohr, a Franciscan Father writes, "Truth and goodness are not always found at the top, but often on the edge and at the bottom… Not in the center of empire, but in the backwaters of Bethlehem. Not among the established, but clearly among those who are dis-established." Christmas is the ultimate story of outsiders finding sanctuary, creating family, and bringing forth joy against all odds. If you are feeling alienated, or anxious, or full of grief—or if the despair of the world is weighing heavily in your heart—you need look no further than the stories of the season to help you find light in the darkest month of the year.

Imperfect holidays can be happy holidays...
M. Scott Peck started his famous book, "The Road Less Traveled," with these lines: "Life is difficult... Once we truly know that life is difficult—once we truly understand and accept it—then life is no longer difficult." The same can be said for the holidays. Once we get with the program that no one skates through December, we can get on with having an imperfectly wonderful holiday season. We can let go of wanting a different family, and try to enjoy the wacky one we already have. If we cherish our childhood memories, we can be grateful for those we can duplicate in our adult worlds, and realistic about those we can't. Or, if our memories are meager and mean, we can hitch our wagon to new rituals that we create from scratch.
If we feel lonely, or exhausted, or misanthropic, or angry, or overwhelmed, or just a little sad, there are all sorts of tricks in Santa's bag for climbing out of a blue mood. But don't try too hard: forcing any kind of mood usually backfires and turns into its opposite. Try too hard to be jolly, and you'll end up down in the dumps. Instead, let yourself be exactly as you are. Slow down, breathe deeply, and invite the sacred into your heart each time your mind races or your emotions sink.
Perhaps down at the bottom of the quiet well of your heart, you will discover some questions brewing in the fertile darkness: Am I harboring an old resentment? Is there someone I need to forgive? Is there something I must say to a family member or a friend? Am I longing for more spiritual nourishment? Is my full aliveness being dulled by a relationship, a substance, work, weight, whatever? In the true spirit of the holidays, let the darkness of your moods lead you back up to the light, and when the New Year rolls around, your resolutions will be infused with new authenticity and power.

**sewnutzcl1** · 12-15-2005, 12:03 PM

Thank you Carole, thats good advice for everyone!
Yes I'm still decorating along with all the other stuff, but if I take it one day at a time, I always get things done.

Grouchie · 12-15-2005, 12:17 PM

thank you for sharing this...hugs, grouch

talk2me452002 · 12-15-2005, 12:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sewnutzcl1

Thank you Carole, thats good advice for everyone!
Yes I'm still decorating along with all the other stuff, but if I take it one day at a time, I always get things done.

YES HUN,I KNOW HOW YA FEEL..JUST WHEN I THINK I'M DONE..I THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE..ITS A BUSY BUSY TIME OF YR FOR ME..AS FOR I DO THE FOOD DRIVES..I LIKE TO KNOW THERE ARE SOME I CAN HELP..ALTHO I CANT HELP ALL THE WORLD,BUT HERE IN MY SMALL PART OF HOUSTON ,I DO THE FOOD,AND HAVE ONE BIG DINNER FOR THE HOMELESS....ALONG WITH ABOUT 30 OTHER PPL WE FEEL WHAT WE DO MAKES A DIFFERENCE ,IF NOT FOR A SHORT WHILE..BUT WE ALSO KNOW THAT ONE OR TWO MEALS WE MAY SERVE MAKE MAKE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE OR DEATH....HAPPLY HOLIDAYS TO YOU HUN..AND KEEP ON DECORATING..ITS A JOYFULL TIME,AND THE GLITTERS JUST GET YA IN THE MOOD..LOVE TO YA..

talk2me452002 · 12-15-2005, 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lil_ms_grouch712003

thank you for sharing this...hugs, grouch

THANK YOU GROUCHY!..GLAD YOU TOOK A FEW MOMENTS TO READ IT..ITS LONG,BUT SO MANY PPL SUFFER THREW THE HOLIDAYS,AND I HAVE SEEN THIS UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL..SO I JUST WANTED PPL TO KNOW THERE ARE SOULITIONS,AND THERE ARE FRIENDS..I HOPE IF THEY CANT FIND PEACE,THEY AT LEAST CAN FIND US..HUGS AND MUCH LOVE TO YA....HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

vampyvixen · 12-15-2005, 12:56 PM

great post carole! All year long I play those crane games you see everywhere.Sometimes I spend $10-15 a day on them.People think I am crazy for it,but what they don't know is all the toys I win (about 100 of them)go to Toys For Tots at Christmas.

talk2me452002 · 12-15-2005, 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vampyvixen

great post carole! All year long I play those crane games you see everywhere.Sometimes I spend $10-15 a day on them.People think I am crazy for it,but what they don't know is all the toys I win (about 100 of them)go to Toys For Tots at Christmas.

..AWW VAMPY THATS WONDERFULL..CHRISTMAS IS THE KIDS BIGGEST TIME OF THE YR..AND GETTING ONE LITTLE STUFFED ANIMAL,WILL LIGHT UP A CHILDS EYES.....I DO ALOT OF GARAGE SALEING..AND PIC UP JUST THE BEST TOYS FOR THE KIDS HERE,MY SON IS A POLICE OFFICER AND HE DONATES THEM FOR ME FOR THE OFFICERS TO GIVE AT XMAS....THANK YOU VAMPY FOR BEING WHO YOU ARE,TRULY A BLESSING TO KNOW AND LOVE YA HUN.....MERRY CHRISTMAS

talk2me452002 · 12-15-2005, 01:59 PM

Ya Know Giving A Gift Comes In So Many Shapes And Forms..and I Would Like To Challange You All To Give Something Other Than A Store Bought Gift This Yr...

I Do This With The Kids In Ffa..and Some Of The Stories They Tell And The Lessons They Learn From It Are Some Of The Most Warming Stories You Will Ever Hear....but Even If You Give 30 Minunits Of Your Time ,mabe To A Nursing Home To Someone You Dont Know..just Talking Are Mabe Just Holding There Hand...you Will See The Joy From Deep Inside You Bring Out The Christmas Spirt.....so Many Ppl Are Forgotten On This Day,and Like Me,i Cant Get To All Of Them..but Just One Will Do..and Just To Know I Made That Day Special,for Them And Me..is The Greatest Gift Of All...merry Christmas To Everyone

perkybitch · 12-15-2005, 03:42 PM

This is a good thread, Carole!!!

You know, I was always excited for this holiday season until the unthinkable happened...
Five years ago, my nephew died on December 19th, and it hasn't been the same ever since. This year was supposed to be different, I was newly and happily married, and newly pregnant...seemed like things were taking a turn for the better...until a week ago. A miscarriage two weeks before Christmas...I really don't care to feel anything this holiday season, but I don't wanna ruin anyone else's either...what can I do? How can I possibly go anywhere without bringing sadness and melancholy wherever I go??

Oh yeah, and on top of all this, when I pick up my 9 year-old daughter on Christmas Day, I hafta tell her that I lost the baby, cuz I can't tell her over the phone!

Sorry if I was ranting...I just don't know how I'm gonna handle the holidays this year...

Bubbly · 12-15-2005, 04:44 PM

My heart aches for you Dawn, and nothing will take away the heartache you must feel.
The only thing you can do is to love Duncan and your daughter and i am sure you will get through this tough time with your loved ones around you.

And if that fails, come on here and have a rant and rave about it. sometimes writing it all down can be very therapautic.

Lots of hugs and kisses

Jill xx

12-15-2005, 11:59 AM	#1 (permalink)
talk2me452002 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Houston tx Posts: 5,247 Rep Power: 1236	Have an Imperfectly Happy Holiday JUST THOUGHT I WOULD START A THREAD..I KNOW NOT NORMAL FOR ME...BUT SOME PPL REALLY HAVE A HARD TIME WITH THE HOLIDAYS...AND I RUN ACCROSS THIS,AND THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP......I KNOW ITS ALITTLE LONG ,BUT GOOD READING,AND I DO HOPE FOR THOSE WHO STRUGGEL THREW THESE HOLIDAYS THEY FIND SOME COMFORT ,AND SOULITIONS IN THIS THREAD...HUGS AND MUCH LOVE..MERRY CHRISTMAS It's that time of year again, when into the dark little month of December we squeeze Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Near Year's Eve, and a myriad of other celebrations... and all the school plays, office parties, and community gatherings that go with them. Throw into the mix a generous dose of unrealistic expectations, budget-busting shopping, dysfunctional family feasts, airplane flights, darker days, colder weather, excess eating and drinking, and no wonder that along with "peace on earth, goodwill toward men," come anxiety, exhaustion, and depression. But this year you can do something to spin your stress into the gold that is the promise of the season. Understanding and relinquishing your unrealistic expectations are the best ways I know to beat the blues. Here are three truths about the holidays that may help. There is no such thing as a normal holiday... 'The first thing you can do to reduce holiday angst is to delete the word "normal" from your vocabulary. I once saw a bumper sticker that read, "Normal is someone you don't know very well." This is always a good thing to keep in mind, especially now, when we assume that the normal people are all having happier, healthier, and more harmonious holidays than we are. We imagine their mailboxes stuffed with Christmas cards and party invitations, their homes decorated in Martha Stewart splendor, their intact and idyllic families primed for weeks of good cheer. don't know these people--do you? In my work at I have met thousands of people from all walks of life. I have yet to meet a "normal" one, if normal means consistently sane, contented, and capable. And yet most of us hold ourselves up to an unattainable standard of human perfection. The 12th-century Sufi poet Rumi called this phenomenon the "Open Secret". He said each one of us is trying to hide the same secret from each other—not some racy or evil secret, but the mere fact of our flawed humanness. We expend so much energy trying to conceal our ordinary bewilderment at being human, or our loneliness in the crowd, or that nagging sense that everyone else has it more together than we do, that we miss out on the chance to really connect, which is what we ultimately long for. Especially during the holidays. Even those people who may seem to be living out our idealized vision of the season have an Open Secret. This holiday season, open up your Open Secret. Overcome your embarrassment at being human, and tell a friend that you didn't get one party invitation. Maybe she will reveal the same thing, or she'll bring you to the one party on her list, or together you'll go to your local homeless shelter and help the kids decorate the tree. Tell your brother that you are worried about how much your mother drinks at Christmas dinner; ask him to support you in dealing more honestly with her this year. Don't just say "Fine!" when a colleague asks how you are at the office party. Say, "Sometimes all this ho-ho-ho makes me feel lonely." You'll be surprised by the response. Suddenly a mere acquaintance will open up to you, and soon you'll feel more connected, not only to him, but to the real meaning of the holidays. And talking about meaning... The holidays are about joy, but also about struggle... All of the religious parables at the heart of the holidays are about awakening joy in times of darkness. They are about hope and hopelessness; home and exile; celebration and grief. They are never just about joy. Joy is the gold we mine on the spiritual path, but that path traverses all sorts of uncertain and difficult terrain. So when you feel the darkness of the season settle in your heart, you can connect with a whole lineage of spiritual seekers who have wrestled with the human condition throughout history. Turn to the spiritual teachings of Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, winter solstice, and the lesser-known December holidays. You probably didn't know that December 8 is Rohatsu, which commemorates the day in 566 BC when the Buddha attained enlightenment. Like Mary and Joseph who found no welcome at the inn and birthed the baby Jesus in a manger, and like the Maccabees who reclaimed the desecrated Temple and lit the miraculous light celebrated on Hanukkah, the Buddha awakened his joy after a long struggle, under a tree, alone and hungry. Richard Rohr, a Franciscan Father writes, "Truth and goodness are not always found at the top, but often on the edge and at the bottom… Not in the center of empire, but in the backwaters of Bethlehem. Not among the established, but clearly among those who are dis-established." Christmas is the ultimate story of outsiders finding sanctuary, creating family, and bringing forth joy against all odds. If you are feeling alienated, or anxious, or full of grief—or if the despair of the world is weighing heavily in your heart—you need look no further than the stories of the season to help you find light in the darkest month of the year. Imperfect holidays can be happy holidays... M. Scott Peck started his famous book, "The Road Less Traveled," with these lines: "Life is difficult... Once we truly know that life is difficult—once we truly understand and accept it—then life is no longer difficult." The same can be said for the holidays. Once we get with the program that no one skates through December, we can get on with having an imperfectly wonderful holiday season. We can let go of wanting a different family, and try to enjoy the wacky one we already have. If we cherish our childhood memories, we can be grateful for those we can duplicate in our adult worlds, and realistic about those we can't. Or, if our memories are meager and mean, we can hitch our wagon to new rituals that we create from scratch. If we feel lonely, or exhausted, or misanthropic, or angry, or overwhelmed, or just a little sad, there are all sorts of tricks in Santa's bag for climbing out of a blue mood. But don't try too hard: forcing any kind of mood usually backfires and turns into its opposite. Try too hard to be jolly, and you'll end up down in the dumps. Instead, let yourself be exactly as you are. Slow down, breathe deeply, and invite the sacred into your heart each time your mind races or your emotions sink. Perhaps down at the bottom of the quiet well of your heart, you will discover some questions brewing in the fertile darkness: Am I harboring an old resentment? Is there someone I need to forgive? Is there something I must say to a family member or a friend? Am I longing for more spiritual nourishment? Is my full aliveness being dulled by a relationship, a substance, work, weight, whatever? In the true spirit of the holidays, let the darkness of your moods lead you back up to the light, and when the New Year rolls around, your resolutions will be infused with new authenticity and power. __________________

12-15-2005, 12:03 PM	#2 (permalink)
sewnutzcl1 Moderator Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 14,488 Rep Power: 1417	Thank you Carole, thats good advice for everyone! Yes I'm still decorating along with all the other stuff, but if I take it one day at a time, I always get things done. __________________

12-15-2005, 12:17 PM	#3 (permalink)
Grouchie Jokaroo VIP Status Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: ~~In Love,Peace & Happiness~~ Posts: 186,641 Rep Power: 8553	thank you for sharing this...hugs, grouch __________________

12-15-2005, 12:56 PM	#6 (permalink)
vampyvixen Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Erie Posts: 5,440 Rep Power: 2285	great post carole! All year long I play those crane games you see everywhere.Sometimes I spend $10-15 a day on them.People think I am crazy for it,but what they don't know is all the toys I win (about 100 of them)go to Toys For Tots at Christmas. __________________ ty grouch

12-15-2005, 01:59 PM	#8 (permalink)
talk2me452002 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Houston tx Posts: 5,247 Rep Power: 1236	Ya Know Giving A Gift Comes In So Many Shapes And Forms..and I Would Like To Challange You All To Give Something Other Than A Store Bought Gift This Yr... I Do This With The Kids In Ffa..and Some Of The Stories They Tell And The Lessons They Learn From It Are Some Of The Most Warming Stories You Will Ever Hear....but Even If You Give 30 Minunits Of Your Time ,mabe To A Nursing Home To Someone You Dont Know..just Talking Are Mabe Just Holding There Hand...you Will See The Joy From Deep Inside You Bring Out The Christmas Spirt.....so Many Ppl Are Forgotten On This Day,and Like Me,i Cant Get To All Of Them..but Just One Will Do..and Just To Know I Made That Day Special,for Them And Me..is The Greatest Gift Of All...merry Christmas To Everyone __________________

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12-15-2005, 03:42 PM	#9 (permalink)
perkybitch Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: EdToons Posts: 4,620 Rep Power: 0	This is a good thread, Carole!!! You know, I was always excited for this holiday season until the unthinkable happened... Five years ago, my nephew died on December 19th, and it hasn't been the same ever since. This year was supposed to be different, I was newly and happily married, and newly pregnant...seemed like things were taking a turn for the better...until a week ago. A miscarriage two weeks before Christmas...I really don't care to feel anything this holiday season, but I don't wanna ruin anyone else's either...what can I do? How can I possibly go anywhere without bringing sadness and melancholy wherever I go?? Oh yeah, and on top of all this, when I pick up my 9 year-old daughter on Christmas Day, I hafta tell her that I lost the baby, cuz I can't tell her over the phone! Sorry if I was ranting...I just don't know how I'm gonna handle the holidays this year...

12-15-2005, 04:44 PM	#10 (permalink)
Bubbly Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: England Posts: 1,198 Rep Power: 524	My heart aches for you Dawn, and nothing will take away the heartache you must feel. The only thing you can do is to love Duncan and your daughter and i am sure you will get through this tough time with your loved ones around you. And if that fails, come on here and have a rant and rave about it. sometimes writing it all down can be very therapautic. Lots of hugs and kisses Jill xx __________________