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Thread: Little Johnny

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    Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to have to report you."

    "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

    "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

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    A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.

    Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?" The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."

    Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"

    The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"

    The teacher replies, "Not quite right either, Peter. Anyone else want to try?"

    Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?" Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of the nuts on that cat, I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"

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    Little Johnny was a country boy who had come into some money and decided he would go to town. Having never been to town before he strolled up and down the street looking at the stores, when he came to a barber shop. "Well," he said to himself. "I have never had a city hair cut, I think I will get one." He went in and sat down and the barber said, "What can I do for you?" Little Johnny said, "I want the works, everything, I can pay for it!" So the barber starts cutting, and in a little while he said, "Would you like a singe?" Little Johnny said, "I said I want the works, everything." The shop had a good looking, well built manicurist, wearing a tight knit, almost see through shirt and she walked over and asked if he want a manicure. He said, "I want the works, everything!" So she started working on him, all the while rubbing those big breasts up against him and looking at him with those big eyes. In a few minutes she asked, "Shall I push back the cuticle?" Little Johnny said, "Just kiss me, it will roll back by itself."

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    Quote Originally Posted by brilor View Post
    Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

    Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
    Ha I like Little Johnny's letter, also In Abe's time they had no computer games.

  5. #45
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    Dubya was visiting a class of 7 year olds for a Q & A session. One little lad asked him the following....

    First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
    Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
    Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
    Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage
    when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?

    Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the
    kiddies that they will continue after recess.

    When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
    Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
    Another little boy puts up his hand.
    George points him out and asks him his name.
    "Johnnie" he responds.
    "And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

    "Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
    First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

    Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

    Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

    Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage
    when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?

    Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

    And sixth, what the F**K happened to Stanley ?"

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    Little Johnny grabbed some cookies cooling on the kitchen counter and his mother smacked his hand.

    "OW! What did you do that for?" he said.

    "Your hand was doing something it wasn't suppose to and it needed to be punished. Now go see what your father is doing."

    Little Johnny ran to the garage just as his father accidentally dropped his hot glue gun on his hand. His father cursed in pain and batted the tool away from his hand.

    Little Johnny ran back to his mother and said, "Mom! Dad's smacking his tool in the garage. I think his tool needed to be punished, too."

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    Little Johnny and his girl were walking along a trail in the woods. Suzy noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly. "Little Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked. Little Johnny stopped to consider his answer, and replied, "They're making cigarettes." "Cigarettes?" she exclaimed, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon they approached a couple of raccoons. Suzy asked, "Are they making cigarettes too?" "Yea," says Little Johnny. Suzy looked around and said, "it looks like all the animals are making cigarettes, why don't we make cigarettes?" Little Johnny was quick to say, "OK!" A hour or so later Little Johnny and Suzy were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes did we make?" Little Johnny stopped to think about his answer, then replied, "Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't it was a Lucky Strike."

  8. #48
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    A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans.
    Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

    The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

    Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

    The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

    Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

    The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

    The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

    The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

    Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."

  9. #49
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    Little Johnny Visits Baby

    Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby.

    Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

    When they arrived home from the hospital, they invited Little Johnny's
    family to come over and see their new baby.

    Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise
    crack to say about the baby, so his dad had a long talk with Little Johnny
    before going to the neighbors.

    He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to
    be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am
    really going to spank you when we get back home."

    "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

    At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched
    the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said "Oh What a beautiful
    little baby."

    The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

    He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.
    Why just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can
    see good?"

    The Mother said, "Why yes, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."

    Little Johnny said "Well, its a darn good thing cause he sure couldn't
    wear glasses!"

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    Scare Me

    Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home
    from school one day. As they walked along, they
    saw two dogs knotted up along side the road,
    screwing. "What are they doing, Johnny?" Mary
    asked. Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world
    for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing but
    was embarrassed to say it, so he said, "Well, he's
    scaring her." Little Mary said, "Oh."

    They walked a little farther and Little Mary said,
    "Scare me, Little Johnny." Well, Little Johnny
    thought, "What the Hell," so he took her into the
    bushes and "scared" her.

    After they were finished, they started walking home
    again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion
    mounting a mare in the field. "What are they doing,
    Little Johnny?" she asked. "Well, he's scaring her."
    So Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Johnny." Little
    Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her
    again. After they were finished, they started walking
    home again.

    Pretty soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a
    heifer in the field, going at it. "What are they doing,
    Little Johnny?" she asked again. "Well, he's scaring
    her," Little Johnny said. After a few more minutes
    of walking, Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Little
    Johnny."

    Now Little Johnny, being a little tired by now, had
    just about had enough, so he yelled out, "Boo,
    damn it, boo!"

  11. #51
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    Visit To the Whorehouse

    Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

    Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.

    Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."

    Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

    After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door. "Yes?" she asks.

    "I'm here to have a good time!"

    The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.

    When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"

    "I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!

    Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"

    "Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!"

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    Slick Speller

    Teacher decided to give the class a pop quiz on this week's spelling
    words. "Now class, you are to spell the words, then use them in a
    sentence," said the teacher. "The three words are: hotel, stigma, and
    homosexual."

    So Johnny stands up and says "OK teach, I'll give it a shot. First
    word...H-O-T-E-L. The president asked Monica to keep their affair under
    wraps, but Linda Tripp made the ho tel."

    Teacher says "Uh, that's not the correct way to use that word. Try
    another one."

    Johnny says, "Alright teach, S-T-I-G-M-A. The President said to Monica,
    "I want to stig ma cigar in your pussy."

    Teacher says "Now Johnny, you spelled the word right, but didn't use it
    correctly!"

    "OK teach, how 'bout this ... H-O-M-O-S-E-X-U-A-L. The President asked
    Monica not to wear any panties because he thought it made the ho mo
    sexual."

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    Little Rotten Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Rotten Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride!

    Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Little Rotten Johnny is not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Little Rotten Johnny hops on and daddy starts
    going to town.

    Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Little Rotten Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!"

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    A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Rotten Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I needa man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several
    times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

    Little Rotten Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Oh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

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    Little Rotten Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying Little Rotten Johnny. He began stomping on them in his anger.
    His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

    Later that afternoon, Little Rotten Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet.
    His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

    Early that evening, Little Rotten Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Little
    Rotten Johnny's mother looked up to find Little Rotten Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Little Rotten Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

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    Sex Ed and Kids

    New school by laws now require sex education to be taught to grade 3 students.

    The grade teacher is really nervous about teaching sex ed to such young students, so thinks he will need a careful approach.

    He asks the class, "Hands up those here who have a vagina."-- All the girls in the class put up their hands.

    He then asks, "Hands up all those here who have penises."--- All the boys put up their hands.

    The teacher notices little Johnny wildly pumping his arm in the air.

    The teachers says, "Yes, Johnny"

    Johnny says -- my dad has got two penises, one that is droopy and short and one that's really big and long.

    The teacher thinks this is manna from heaven, he thinks, "I'll be able to lead into erections and stuff from here," so he asks Johnny what he thinks the short one is for.

    Johnny: "It's for doing a pee."

    Teacher: "That's good, and what do you think the big one is for?"

    Johnny: "It's for cleaning my mum's teeth."

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    Playing Cards

    Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.
    On the way back to bed he passed his parent's room. When he looked in, he
    noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you
    doing?"

    His dad answered, "Playing Cards."

    Little Johnny asked, "Who's your partner?"

    His dad answered, "Your mom."

    Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed
    the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you
    doing?"

    His sister answered, "Playing Cards."

    Little Johnny asked, "Who's your partner?"

    She answered, "My boyfriend."

    A little later, his Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed
    Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his
    son, "What are you doing?"

    Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."

    His Dad asked, "Really? Who's your partner?"

    Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

  18. #58
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    great additions sweetie!











    There's one thing for which you should be abundantly thankful
    Only you and God have all the facts about yourself ♥

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    Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, OK".

    Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love, Juice?"

    Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all. Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.

    Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"

    Johnny replies: "Wimbledon."

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    A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

    The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher's pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

    The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."

    The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think can!"

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