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Thread: Little Johnny

  1. #61
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    Little Johnny's teacher decided that the children should learn about mime, so she had each of them develop a speech, which was to be relayed by using motion only. When Little Johnny's turn came, he stood up in front of the class:

    "Ladies (grabbing chest) and gentlemen (grabbing crotch) ..."

    Little Johnny's teacher wasn't amused, so she sent him to the Principal's office. Little Johnny explained what happened, so the sympathetic Principal told him to revise his speech as follows:

    "Ladies (motioning woman's curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with his arm) ..."

    Little Johnny went back to class and proceeded to give his speech again:

    "Ladies (motioning woman's curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with his arm), it gives me great pleasure (whacking-off motion) ..."

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    Little Johnny says "Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?"
    His mom says, "Why, a stork, little Johnny."
    Little Johnny says, "Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?"
    His mom says, "A raven, dear."
    Little Johnny then says, "Then what kind of bird brings no babies?"
    His mom says, "A swallow!"

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    Little Johnny, a fine Catholic lad, was out looking for trouble. He tripped people on the street, threw bricks through windows, smacked folks on the top of the head and whatnot until a passing cop stopped him.
    "What's going on here!" bellowed the officer.
    "It's like this officer," winked Little Johnny.
    "I am on my way over to the church to go to confession, and I'm a little short of material ... "

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    In a biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?" Little Johnny raises his hand.

    "Go ahead, Johnny."

    "My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."

    "That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why do a lobsterís eyes protrude from its head?" Again Johnny raises his hand.

    "We'll give you another chance."

    "My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."

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    "My teacher is really giving me a rough time" Little Johnny told his father. "Well Johnny," said his father, "take special care with your personal appearance and attire, pay attention in class and do our assignments and homework promptly, and you should be okay." "I really don't think that'll help Dad," Little Johnny sighed. "She told me during study break that she's three weeks overdue!"

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    HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEE!!!!!

    I have always loved the little Johnny Jokes!!!!! and in Mexico, they tell the same jokes...but they are about pepito....God I really miss those days.

    Hugs.
    Melissa

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    Little Johnny and little Bobby and in a verbal battle, "my father is better than your father!" said Bobby.

    "No, he's not!" said Johnny.

    "My brother is better than your brother!" said Bobby.

    "No, he's not!" said Johnny.

    "My mother is better than your mother!" said Bobby.

    Little Johnny paused for a moment and said: "well you've got me there. My father says the same thing."

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    So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious. ' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!? Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says. Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."

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    Little boy playing in his yard comes running into the house yelling Mommie, Mommie I just fucked Mary Jane ... His mother is mortified, she tells him Johnnie, thats not very nice, here's a cookie go on outside and play ... About 15 minutes later same thing happens. Again the mother tells Johnnie that he should not talk like that. Gives him another cookie and sends him back out to play. !5 minutes later Johnnie comes in again yelling Mommie I just fucked Mary Jane ... The father has been reading the paper in the Den jumps up runs into the kitchen and grabs a frying pan. The mother sez John don't hit him he's just a little boy ... The father sez Hit him, Hit him - Hells fire I'm going to fry him some bacon and eggs, he can't fuck all day on cookies ...

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    Little Johnny and his best buddy Billy wanted to go fishing, so they got into their boat and headed out into the ocean. After traveling several miles a very large wave came at them and capsized their small boat. As soon as they got into the water and started to swim a large shark came by and chewed both of Billy's arms off. Billy yelled at Little Johnny, "I can't swim, a shark bit my arms off! Little Johnny yelled back, "Try to get on my back and I will swim us over to that island." So Billy got on Little Johnny's back and they headed toward the island. After swimming for a long time they finally made it to the beach. Little Johnny got up on the sand and just about passed out from all that hard swimming. He looked at Billy and said, "Damn my butt is sore. I didn't know swimming would make my butt so sore!" And Billy said, "I'm sorry, but that was the only way I could hang on."

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    Little Johnny and a girl playing in a mud box and Little Johnny, being a little boy, was playing with his goober. The little girl was not bothering anybody she was sitting there playing with a crawfish when all of a sudden she dropped the crawfish between her legs.

    Little Johnny had got bored and wanted to see what kind of goob the little girl had. He put his hand down between the girls legs and you can imagine what happened ... YES ... Little Johnny's finger was just about taken off.

    Poor Little Johnny ... this gave him a complex. All through grammar school, middle school, high school, he wouldn't have anything to do with a girl. He went to college and the last year there, he met this girl and after college they got married. They had been married now for about 6 months and Johnny came home to a crying wife.

    She said, "Honey sit down we need to talk. Am I ugly? Do you love me?"

    He said, "No you're not ugly. And yes I love you. And why do you ask?"

    "Because we dated a year in college and have been married for six months and we have not made love," she said.

    Little Johnny said, "I am so sorry. Let me tell you a story about what happened to me when I was a kid." And he did.

    The woman started laughing and said, "Honey I promise I won't hurt you!"

    Little Johnny said, "I'm sorry but if you can't love me for who I am then we need to split up."

    She said, "Just let me prove it!" So she stood up, took all her clothes off and went to the kitchen and got a piece of bread. She went back to her husband and said, "Watch."

    She started to put the bread down there when she farted!

    Little Johnny flew into the bedroom and locked the door. His wife beat on the door and pleaded for him to come out!!

    He replied, "Oh no I told you it would hurt me! If that sucker growls over a piece of bread, just imagine what it will do to a piece of MEAT!"

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    Default Stupid

    A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up."

    Right away, Little Johnny stood up.

    The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

    "I donít, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"



    ******************

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    Little Johnny was all out of sorts one morning. When his father asked him what the problem was the kid said, "I'm mad at mommy, cause she eats birds."

    His father said he didn't know what Little Johnny was talking about.

    Little Johnny replied, "I was up late last night and heard noises coming from your bedroom. When I listened at your door, I heard mom say, 'should I swallow it or let it fly'!"

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    Little Johnny had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and Little Johnny was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He asked his uncle to give him an addition question. So his uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"

    Little Johnny counted it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."

    His uncle said, "Listen Little Johnny, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."

    So Little Johnny put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"

    His uncle saw movement in Little Johnny's pockets, and then Little Johnny said, "Eleven!"

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    A young pretty female schoolteacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock; what does the clock have that I have too?"

    One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."

    Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."

    "Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"

    After a long silence, Little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."

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    One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

    "The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

    "Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

    "Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

    "Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

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    One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "who can tell me the meaning of indifferent? "

    The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.

    The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks for another student to ask.

    Finally when no one else raises their hand, she says, "yes, Johnny?"

    "Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."

    Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

    "Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'that's lovely'. Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

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    One day, when Little Johnny was about 6 years old, he and his father went to look at some puppies.

    When he came home, he ran up to his mom and informed her that there were four puppies. Three were boys and one was a girl.

    His mother was impressed and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

    "Well," says Little Johnny "The girl was brown colored, but all the boys were black."

    "Yes, dear, but how did the colour tell you if they were male or female?" asked his mother.

    Exasperated, Little Johnny retorted, "The colour doesn't tell you, silly, the black ones all had cocks."

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    During a review of anatomy one day the teacher was pointing to parts of the
    body on a diagram and would ask the class to identify the parts. While reviewing the reproductive organs the teacher pointed to an area of the female and asked the class what the area was called.

    Sally raised her hand and, when called on by the teacher, replied "That is a vagina, teacher."

    "Very good, Sally. Now who can tell me what this is?" said the teacher pointing to the male sex organ. Little Johnnie's hand was the only one to go up, but the teacher didn't really want to call on him because in the past little Johnnie had been somewhat less than polite with his anatomical names. The teacher waited a moment, but still no other hands, so she called on Johnnie, warning him first "Go ahead Johnnie, but watch what you say."

    Little Johnnie replied "That's a penis, teacher."

    "Very good, Johnnie," the teacher replied.

    "Yep, that's a penis all right, and my Daddy has TWO of them!" Johnnie said.

    "No Johnnie, I think you're mistaken," responded the shocked teacher.

    "Oh no I'm not," said Johnnie. "My Daddy has one about this long (holding his
    hands about 4-5" apart) that he goes to the bathroom with, and one about this long (holding his hands about 9-10" apart) that he brushes Mommy's teeth with!"

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    Teacher turns to her class and says "Today class, we are going to pick out some BIG words and use them in a sentence. Jenny would you like to go first?" "Yes Ma'am. Hypocrite. That boy was a hypocrite. He said it was not OK to go out side and play. Then he went out to play" "Very Good Jenny!" Little Johnny jumps up in the back of the room waving his hands. "Yes Johnny" "I have a big one!" He exclaimed. Sighing the teacher holds her hands together and prays silently, "Go ahead Johnny" she says. "Harassment!" says Little Johnny, "Her mouth said NO, but harassment yes!"

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