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Thread: Little Johnny

  1. #81
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    Little Johnny was playing Washington, DC taxi driver. He was using a discarded vegetable crate for the body and the hub cap from a Cadillac for the steering wheel. "Hey look at me!" he squealed. "Here I am, a real DC taxi driver, driving up Pennsylvania Avenue at 70 miles and hour and picking up speed." As he was busily steering, he was also making the accompanying noises of blowing the horn, cursing out pedestrians who ran across the street in front of him, giving drivers the one-finger salute who got in his way, and screeching his brakes as he tried to avoid being hit or hitting someone.

    Little Mary was sitting on her tricycle watching intently. Becoming interested in what he was doing and all the excitement he was having, she asked, "Johnny, can I please go riding with you. When you take that senator to his office, can I ride with you? Pleeeeeease Johnny!, Pleeeeeeeease! "

    "Wait just a minute," little Johnny said, as he cut back the sound of his motor and began to slow down the sounds of his motor. "I'll drop this guy off, swing around the block, come up the right way on that one-say street you're on and take you up for a quick ride."

    Little Mary climbed on the back of the vegetable crate and said, "I'm in, let's go!"

    "Hey, fasten your seat belt," little Johnny commanded. "I'm a real taxi driver and I like to drive fast. The faster I drive, the more money I make and the more people I hear scream. So, prepare yourself, I'm fixing to make the tires squeal!"

    After checking things out and revving up the engine, off the went. About the time he was up to 80 miles and hour, and had narrowly missed a tour bus, Little Mary announced that she had to pee pee.

    "Hey, don't make to stop right now, I'm on the way to the airport to catch a flight for some guy who's late. I'm sorry, but you'll just have to hold on for a second," Little Johnny said quite concerned with her discomfort. "You've got to hang in there for another minute or so!"

    Little Johnny heard something that sounded like water running and when he looked down he saw a stream of yellow running between his feet. Then, he glanced around and to see better he turned around and stared -- there sat Little Mary with her 'girlhood' exposed.

    "Gee, that little thing is cute," he said, "real cute. Would you mind if I touch it?"

    She nodded that he could, and he did -- ever so very briefly. "Hey, would you like to kiss it?" she asked.

    "Hell no, I don't. You got me all wrong. You must have forgotten just who you're riding with," exclaimed Little Johnny. "I ain't Bill Clinton or Gary Condit, I'm just a DC taxi driver!"

  2. #82
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    Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not." "But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."

  3. #83
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    lmao i like a kid with good comebackes


  4. #84
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    Lorraine was driving through a town in Montana and stopped Little Johnny, to ask where she could find a taxidermist. Little Johnny said he didn't think there was any there. She said, "Are you sure?" At that he admitted he didn't know what the word meant. So she explained that a taxidermist is a man who mounts animals. Little Johnny said, "Oh hell, we've got plenty of them around here, only we call them sheepherders!"

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    Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn't fly away.

    This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school.

    "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said. "That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick."

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    Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

    Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny xclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

    Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

    Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

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    This is so bad. It must have been a Johnny Cake!

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    Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

    One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

    The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

    "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this". "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?". Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

    He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down."

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    At school little Johnny learns about medicines.
    The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
    The first pupil said: Tylenol?
    Very good! And what is it used for?
    It is used for headache.
    The second pupil said: Nytol Excellent. And what it is used for?
    To help you sleep
    Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra
    "Johnny. What is it used for?"
    I think it can be used for diarrhea.
    Who told you this?
    "Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father "take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder".

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    Little Johnny's father decided it was time for14-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.

    He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex. The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally."

    So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."

    Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"

    "Yes, Ma'am, " Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

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    One day, a mother walks by her young son's room and sees little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they are married. A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks. Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved nearly a quart!"

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    One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what
    was not good to put in one's mouth.

    Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."

    The teacher says "That is correct, but why?"

    Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my Mom always tells my dad
    'turn off the light before you put it in my mouth'!"

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    A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

    The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher's pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

    The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."

    The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think can!"

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    The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

    When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

    Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

    So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

    Johnny said, "Yes."

    "Well, what did the principal say?"

    "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number ..."

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    Little Johnny and his dad are walking in the park when they pass two dogs having intercourse. "Daddy, what are those dogs doing?" asks Little Johnny His dad explains, "Well, son, the one on top hurt his foot, and his friend is carrying him home." Little Johnny looks back at the dogs and remarks, "Geez, ain't that just like a friend? You try to help him out and he screws you every time!"

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    The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some students to tell a brief story about summer vacation. Several students eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny.

    The teacher asked Alice to tell a story. "We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation" Alice said. "We rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was fun."

    The teacher asked for another volunteer and several students eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny. She was afraid to call on Little Johnny because he swore a lot last year.

    The teacher chose Fred to tell a story. "My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We stopped at a small pond; I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest trout we'd ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it was great!" Fred reported.

    "That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer". Several students were waving their hands. The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and decided to give him another chance.

    "My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole" Little Johnny said.

    The teacher was angry, "Johnny you mean rectum." she said.

    "Wrecked'im? You bet it wrecked'im, shot his balls clean off." answered Little Johnny.










    There's one thing for which you should be abundantly thankful
    Only you and God have all the facts about yourself ♥

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    She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

    A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said,

    "Mary had a little pig --
    An scrawny little runt.
    He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
    And smelled her little ..."

    He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"

    "Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

    So Johnny said, " ... Asshole."

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    One day at school, the teacher asked the children what their parents thought was beautiful.

    She asked Sally, and Sally replied, "My Mom thinks that flowers are beautiful."

    "Why is that," she asked?

    "Because she says they smell really nice."

    The teacher then called on Tommy, and Tommy replied, "My Dad thinks antique cars are beautiful."

    "Why is that," she asked?

    "Because, he says they are so old and still preserved in their original form."

    Next she called on Little Johnny, and Johnny replied, "My Dad thinks pregnant women are."

    "Why is that," she asked?

    "Because, when my sister got pregnant, my Dad said 'beautiful just f___ing beautiful!'"

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