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  1. #41
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    The World's Shortest Fairy Tale ...

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants.

    THE END










    There's one thing for which you should be abundantly thankful
    Only you and God have all the facts about yourself ♥

  2. #42
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    The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on male anatomy on which the girls did poorly. "I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded into you all semester.










    There's one thing for which you should be abundantly thankful
    Only you and God have all the facts about yourself ♥

  3. #43
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    Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
    A: The grip.

    Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
    A. It's not hard

    Q: How is a woman like a condom?
    A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

    Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
    A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.

    Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
    A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

    Q: How are women and rocks alike?
    A: You skip across the flat ones.

    Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
    A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

    Q: What's the difference between a '90's woman and a Computer?
    A: A '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.

    Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don't have eyes.

    Q: How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?
    A: With a crowbar.

    Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick
    A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

    Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
    A: The swallow.

    Q: What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
    A: Hump-me Dump-me.

    Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
    A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

    Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?
    A: So they know where to stop shaving.

    Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
    A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

    Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
    A: Cuz no man would pull those faces on purpose.

    Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
    A. Its Braille for "suck here".

    Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
    A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

    Q. Why do men die before their wives?
    A. They want to.

    Q. Why do women have tits?
    A. So men will talk to them.

    Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
    A. They don't have balls to scratch.

  4. #44
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    A friend went to see the movie "American Beauty" and was quite bothered by some scenes, in particular a masturbation scene. Discussing the movie with her husband later, she said, "I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive." Her husband sighed and said, "All right, I'll stop doing it."










    There's one thing for which you should be abundantly thankful
    Only you and God have all the facts about yourself ♥

  5. #45
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    Q. How do you scare a man?
    A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

    ************ ********* ********* ********

    Q: What Do You Call A Woman Who Can Suck A Golf Ball Through A 20 Ft. Garden Hose?
    A: `Darling', `Sweetheart' , `Precious', Whatever It Takes.

  6. #46
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    A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans attended a Cub game. They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging and kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game. After a couple of seconds of thought the wife says, "I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you on the balls."

    ************ ********* ********* ********

    A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"










    There's one thing for which you should be abundantly thankful
    Only you and God have all the facts about yourself ♥

  7. #47
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    An anxious mother was lecturing her young daughter on the issue of sex morality. "If you're ever tempted while out on a date," she warned, "Don't forget to ask yourself this one question: Is one hour of pleasure worth an entire lifetime of shame?" "Gee, Mom," asked the girl, "How do you make it last an hour?"

  8. #48
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    Oldies but goodie, from Johnny Carson's Carnac the Magnificent.

    A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
    Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.


    A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
    Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.


    A: Gatorade.
    Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?


    A: Bible belt.
    Q: What holds up Pat Robertson's pants?


    A: Milk and honey.
    Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?


    A: Ben Gay.
    Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?


    A: An unmarried woman.
    Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3:00 and 5:00 pm on June 1, 1952?


    A: Disjoint.
    Q: What was dat hippie smoking?


    A: The Laughing Policeman.
    Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?


    A: Dustin Hoffman.
    Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.


    A: Until he gets caught.
    Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?


    A: Old wives tale.
    Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?


    A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
    Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?


    A: Shareholder.
    Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?


    A: Skalliwags.
    Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?


    A: David Frost.
    Q: On a cold morning what forms on your David?










    There's one thing for which you should be abundantly thankful
    Only you and God have all the facts about yourself ♥

  9. #49
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    After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said: "What can I get you, gorgeous?" The woman blushed and replied: "If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please." The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"

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    "Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please." "All right, what is your age?" "I'm 22, sir." "And the age of the bride?" "She's 15, sir." "15? That's too young - marrying you would be against the law!" "I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?"

  11. #51
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    Romantic Sentiments

    Your kisses are sweeter than wine and don't have the paper bag.

    I am irrationally exuberant for you in the third quarter of my fiscal life, with rising indicators.

    My love for you runs hotter than a '74 Nova with a V-8 engine and a busted water pump.

    You're really somethin', and that ain't just the beer talkin'.

    Darling, you make me as hot as one of those hand dryers in a turnpike restroom.

    If we were cockroaches, I'd want to have all 456,938 of your children.










    There's one thing for which you should be abundantly thankful
    Only you and God have all the facts about yourself ♥

  12. #52
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    Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when the first one says: "My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once." The other replies, "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?" I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?

  13. #53
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    Wife: "What are you doing?"
    Husband: "Nothing."
    Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
    Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."


    Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
    Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
    Wife: "Yes and no."


    Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
    Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
    Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
    Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"


    Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
    Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
    Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."


    Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
    Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
    Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."


    A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
    "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!!"


    Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
    Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."


    Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
    The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."


    AND NOW THE BEST ONE!

    A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

  14. #54
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    Define Kleptopyrohomonecro nymphobestiality ?
    Anal sex with a stolen flaming dead raccoon.


    Why do condoms never come in black?
    Because black makes you look thin.


    My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with. (Rodney Dangerfield)

    Trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you don't get a chance to prove it.

    Why do men name their penises?
    Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.


    What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
    One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'


    What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
    Nothing.


    What is the similarity between an audio cassette and a woman?
    You can use them on either side.


    They're making a new XXX movie about an anorexic Irish prostitute who hops from bed to bed. Her name's Tramp O'Lean. (Paul Cooper)

    One Greek says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?"
    "No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly!"


    A woman riding in a Boston taxi asks the driver where she can get scrod.
    "I didn't know that the verb had that past tense," mutters the cabbie.

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    How do we know men invented maps?
    Who else would make an inch into a mile?


    Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

    Scientists have discovered that most women will at some time contain certain intelligent DNA. Unfortunately 95% will spit it out.

    A penis has a sensitive part at one end- called the glans - and an insensitive part at the other- called the man

    The Answer: A Cockrobin.
    The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?


    Why sperm donation is more expensive than blood donation?
    Because it is hand made.


    When a woman arouses a man and leaves, she is known as a cock teaser.
    What is a male called when he does the same to a female? Moisturizer


    Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
    Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.


    What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?
    A woman's mouth!

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    A pair of stage-door Johnnies are ogling the cuties who are leaving the dressing rooms. "Do you see that redhead over there? I feel like screwing her again." "Wow! You mean to tell me that you've been doing it with that great-looking piece of ass?" "No, I felt like it before, and I feel like it now"

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    A man went into the bar and asked for a drink. The bartender noticed that the man had a steering wheel hanging out of the zipper of his pants. He said to the man, " Do you know you have a steering wheel hanging out or your fly?" The man answered, "Yes, it's driving me nuts."

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    Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine." "No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine." "The 'here after' routine? What's that?", she wanted to know. "If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!"

    The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: there was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality! The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality?" "No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality. He's a bum lay!"

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    Q.: What should a guy do when her girlfriend forgets to take her birth control pills?
    A.: Give her a good tongue-lashing.


    Q.: How can you tell if a pig is in heat?
    A.: She buys the first two rounds.


    Q.: What do you call a woman that does everything you want in bed?
    A.: Your girlfriend ... just don't tell your wife.


    Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.

    Have you seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?
    Let me see your driver's license and I'll show you one.


    definition of desparation
    Teethmarks on the toilet door.


    There are many ways to say I love you,
    but screwing is the fastest.


    Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians? The tongue
    is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off.


    Q: What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
    A: Both need a hoe to stay in business.

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    A husband and wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick.

    The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden?"

    The wife quickly replied, "Oh, thousands of times, and twice in a horse and buggy!"

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