Page 4 of 151 FirstFirst ... 234561454104 ... LastLast
Results 61 to 80 of 3004

Thread: short but sweet ...

  1. #61
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I found a new route. Now I need some birth control pills." The doc asked, "What's his occupation?" The girl said, "Army." "Active or retired?" "If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?"

  2. #62
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    Just as he was leaving for work the man's wife, Sally, told her husband that there was a leak in the plumbing. He told her to call a plumber and have it fixed. When he got to the job, he parked the car and gave her a call on the cellphone. When Sally answered, he asked "Did the plumber come yet?" She replied., "No, not quite yet. I've got him breathing hard, shouldn't be long now!"

  3. #63
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    A third grade school teacher is trying to explain to her class the difference between singular and plural. She says, "What is it if one woman looks out a window?" Little Maury replies, "Singular!" "Very good," says the teacher. "What is it if five women are looking out of a window?" Little Pauly raises his hand and says, "A brothel!"

    ----------------------------

    The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young hired hand taking a piss. She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus and says, Boy, I'd sure like to have some of THAT! He says, "Well, you'd best run and get you a cup. I'm 'bout through."

  4. #64
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common." The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

    -------------------------

    A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him. "Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?" "Only a little," she answered. "How much?" he asked. "Fifty dollars," she replied.

  5. #65
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    Jim replies, "Sorry Bill, I have to go to the drug store To pick up a 'patch' subscription for my wife. She's Quitting smoking today." "Oh okay, well, good luck to her!" Bill said. "Yeah, well it is really lucky me," grinned Jim, "I Told her to let me know any time she has an urge to put Something in her mouth to suck on."

    ========================

    Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, are lamenting their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says, "I wish that sheep was Jessica Simpson." The other says, "I just wish it was dark outside!"

  6. #66
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    A grandfather went to visit his college-aged grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway. "In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes." "But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe!"










    There's one thing for which you should be abundantly thankful
    Only you and God have all the facts about yourself ♥

  7. #67
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him.

    He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"

    The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"

    <><><><><><>

    You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.
    "Yes," answered the suspect.
    "And what did you steal?"
    "A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.
    "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"
    "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."

    <><><><><><>

    My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was supposed to call him when she was ready to be picked-up. She must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later.

    She called, and a man said, "Hello," to which she cheerfully said, "Come and get me!"

    The man replied, "Are you sure? This is Mitchell's funeral home."

    <><><><><><>

    Wife to Husband: If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you.

    Husband: All right, but it will ruin my day.

    <><><><><><>

    Bob: I love to drive to the seaside and the mountains with my girlfriend. What about you?

    Dan: I love to drive my mother-in-law to the airport.

    <><><><><><>

    Working as a court reporter, I hear to a lot of testimony that you won't hear on LAW AND ORDER, including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit.

    Judge: "Was this child born out of wedlock?"

    Mother: "No, sir, just outside of Louisville."

    <><><><><><>

    A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. However, she has a little trouble parallel parking, and winds up a about a foot from the curb. "Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.

    The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner and asks, "OK, sir... Now what?"

    <><><><><><>

    Take a good look at your paycheck stub sometime. There's one area there for what you get and eight different areas for what somebody else gets.

    They shouldn't even call it "pay;" they should call it "leftovers."

    <><><><><><>

    Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

    <><><><><><>

    Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

    <><><><><><>

    On a first date, guys usually take you to a movie where you sit in the dark staring at a screen, not speaking to each other. Makes perfect sense, it prepares you for marriage.

    <><><><><><>

    Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

    <><><><><><>

    Sign in a suspenders factory: We specialize in hold-ups!

    Sign on a bankrupt bakery: No dough today!

    <><><><><><>

    "May I try on that lingerie in the window?" the gorgeous young woman asks the manager of the designer boutique.

    "Go ahead," the manager replies, "maybe it'll attract some business."

    <><><><><><>

    Quote of the Day: "Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me."

  8. #68
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    The travelin' Texan picked up a sweet young thang in a bar and after several rounds, ordered the biggest steaks they had. Later, they retired to his room, naturally the largest in the hotel. As they undressed, he said, "I'm from Fort Worth, Texas, and we have the biggest of everything." The girl only nodded and smiled. As they began to make love, he exclaimed, "Golleeeee, lil' Lady! What part of Texas y'all from?"

    ================

    At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he was The Xerox Flasher. Every morning, he xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the secretaries desks. The boss said "Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false advertising!" His secretary said "Well, not exactly." He said "Oh God! Don't tell me!" She said "Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

  9. #69
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was. "It's the wife" said Maurie. " As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week". "Well you should think yourself lucky" said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

    ===========================

    A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York's finest for peddling dirty pictures. "But you're mistaken," said the kid. "These pictures aren't dirty." Selecting one, the policeman said, "Do you mean to tell me this isn't a dirty picture?" The young man responded, "Don't be such a prude, officer! Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"

  10. #70
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    Expectant Fathers speaking in the maternity waiting room: "This is my first baby." "This is our seventh." "Well, gee, maybe you can answer a question for me. How soon after my wife has the baby can she and I, uh-, you know what I mean. Have sex?" "It all depends on whether or not she is in a private room."

  11. #71
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!!!

    ======================

    A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
    He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing ...

    ======================

    This guy tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small

    ======================

    Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory

    ======================

    When a friend of mine was born, he got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. He is not able to remember, what he chose

  12. #72
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs. 'Isn't it wonderful l?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies ... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!' The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens when we pull the thermometer out of his ass!'

  13. #73
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    Hector decided to treat himself to a trip to the whorehouse, and turned to catch the hooker's expression when he dropped his pants -- his penis was eighteen inches long. "Oh my God," gasped the poor girl, "you're not putting that inside me! I'll kiss it. I'll lick it" "No way," Hector broke in. "I can do that myself."

    ==========================

    Here's something for all you medical know-it-alls. Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It is called the "anal optic nerve". It's responsible for giving people a "shitty outlook" on life. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

  14. #74
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

    2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

    3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

    4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

    5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

    7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

    8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

    10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

  15. #75
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    Once upon a time there were three coeds- a big coed, a medium-sized coed, and a little tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"

    ==============================

    Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my f*cking ass." Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my f*cking car."

  16. #76
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

    13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

    14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

    18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

    19.. Procrastinate Now!

    20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

  17. #77
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?" "No sir," answered the man. "Did you ever get any from his son?" "No sir." "Did you ever get any from his wife?" "Uh - excuse me sir, we're still talking about drugs here, right?"

  18. #78
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

    23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

    24.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

    25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

    26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

    27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

    28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

    29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

    30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

  19. #79
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    Woman calls 911: "I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do those Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there [giggle]" "Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?" "No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do those exercises I have an orgasm." "I'm sorry, did you say orgasm'?" "Yes. Am I doing them right?" "Sounds like it to me."

    =============================

    There were two old men, one a retired professor of psychology, and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs!"

  20. #80
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    738,848
    Rep Power
    16262

    Default

    While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can ... until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

    ************ ********* *********

    I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas ...

    The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Similar Threads

  1. Short.....But Sweet.....
    By jungleking in forum Funny Jokes
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 03-06-2007, 09:34 AM
  2. Short and sweet
    By mystical in forum Funny Jokes
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 09-24-2006, 10:24 PM
  3. It was short but Oh so sweet
    By NisforNostalgia in forum Funny Pictures
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 05-25-2005, 04:38 PM
  4. short ... but sweet ...
    By squirt in forum Funny Jokes
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 12-12-2004, 03:03 AM
  5. Short But Sweet, lol
    By ByteMe in forum Battle of Sexes
    Replies: 48
    Last Post: 09-05-2004, 03:20 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •