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Thread: short but sweet ...

  1. #81
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    Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

    =========================

    A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?" The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?" "She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

  2. #82
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    Murphy's Laws On Sex

    1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

    2. Nothing improves with age.

    3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,because it'll never be quite the same again.

    4. Sex has no calories.

    5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

    6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

    7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

    8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

    9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

    10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

    11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

    12. Virginity can be cured.

    13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

    14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

    15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

    16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

    17. It is always the wrong time of month.

    18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

    19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

    20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

    21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

    22. The younger the better.

    23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

    24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

    25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

    27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

    28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

    29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

    30. Love is a hole in the heart.

  3. #83
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    The attractive young thing was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!" "I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. "You're the first one," she gulped. "The first one to make love to you?" he asked. "No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me!"

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    How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
    ~ Douche with beer.

    What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South?
    ~ A homo-sex-y'all.

    Hear about the new gay sitcom?
    ~ Leave it, it's Beaver.

    Why is sex is like software?
    ~ For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.

    What's the most active muscle in a woman?
    ~ The penis.

    What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
    ~ A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

    What's the definition of a vicious circle?
    ~ A pussy with teeth.

    How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex?
    ~ She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.

    How do you get a woman off during sex?
    ~ Push her.

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    Tired of having to stare at the luscious young kitten on the other side of the chain link fence, bold Tommy Tomcat decided to visit her one day. Settling back on his haunches, he gave a mighty leap and landed on the other side; impressed, the lovely cat sauntered over. "That was quite a leap," she remarked. "Want to go somewhere and cuddle?" "Afraid not," said Tommy, a pained expressions on his face. "The fence was higher than I thought."

    =====================

    I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night,
    come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

    =====================

    A penis has a sensitive part at one end - called the glans - and an insensitive part at the other - called the man

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    What Should Sex and Parking Spaces have in common:

    You should never have to wait to find some

    You should be able to slide right into one

    Spaces in the front are always the best

    When there are no spaces in front, spaces in the rear are just fine

    It makes you jealous when you see someone else is double-parked

    Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back

    People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces

    Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying

    We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit

    A house isn't a home without a parking space

    Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear, just do it

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    What do you call a coke bottle full of bees?
    A West Virginia Vibrator

    ========================

    My girlfriend is incredibly self-absorbed. The good thing is that she saves a bundle on sanitary napkins.

    ========================

    A high proportion of the couples that engage in wife swapping are golfers. They're real swingers.

    ========================

    What is 6.9?
    A delightful activity interrupted by a period

    ========================

    Did you hear about the British sex pervert who broke into a gift shop and performed lewd acts with the porcelain figures? They charged him with statue-Tory rape. Apparently, he is a Hummel sexual

    ========================

    Do you know the difference between a gigolo , a doctor, a rabbi, and a chorus girl?
    A gigolo is a penis vendor, a doctor a penis mender, a rabbi is a penis ender, and a chorus girl is a penis bender

    ========================

    Two necrophiliacs were discussing their love interests when the first asked, "Whatever happened to that last girlfriend of yours?" "The rotten cunt split on me," replied the second

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    A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she gets pregnant." A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man ever get his penis back??"

    =========================

    The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife."

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    Chaz has always had a special way with the ladies -- he is a regular Don Juan when it comes to impressing a chick at a bar. Case in point, last weekend I was out with Chaz and overheard him hitting on a young vixen with one of his best lines yet ... Chaz slithered up next to this gorgeous babe, turned to her and said, "Those clothes are very becoming on you!" "Why, thank you!" replied the hotty. "Of course," added Chaz, "if I was on you ... I would becoming too!"

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    "My, but you look different today Claudia," commented Rene to her coworker. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use - special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?" "No!" replied Claudia. "My vibrator shorted out this morning."

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    A young woman walking in the park one day accidentally stepped on a frog. She picked it up and took it home. That night, she put it under her pillow and the next morning the frog was gone and there was a handsome young man sleeping beside her. She could not believe it ... Neither did her mother and father!

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    "Help! Send someone over quickly!"The old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!" "This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department." "No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

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    A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" "Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "Won't it knock my teeth out?"

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    Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and gave Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and pulled her hand to his penis. Furious, Linda opened the door and jumped out of the car. "I've got just two words for you," she screamed. "Drop dead!" And I've got just two words for you," Roger screamed back. "Let go!"

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    Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis. But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage. Or maybe just polish it all the time.

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    An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, whereupon the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went out to the reception room and said: "Bob do we still have intercourse?" Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, I told you a thousand times ... we have Blue Cross!"

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    During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"

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    What's this?
    *
    *
    "Give it here!"

    "NO, IT'S MINE!"

    "I said let me have it!"

    "NO! IT'S MY TURN!"

    "Common! Give it to me!"

    "NO WAY!"
    *
    *
    *
    Siamese twins whacking off.

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    While trying to track down the cause of a recurrent vaginitis in a young woman, the Doctor asked her whether her partner was circumcised. His query drew only a blank look. He rephrased the question in what he felt was a clever and tactful manner: "When he does NOT have an erection, can you see the head of his penis, or is it covered by folds of skin?" Her unabashed and matter-of-fact response: "I've never seen him WITHOUT an erection!" Suddenly, he felt rather "obsolete" -- and remained that way the rest of the day.

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    Carolyn was down at the Carolina shore this weekend and was walking along the water's edge , when she came upon a man with a rather large belly who was sun bathing on the beach. Feeling a bit down on the male population at the moment, Carolyn caustically remarked, "If that belly was on a woman, I bet you would probably say she was pregnant!" The man squinted up at her a little annoyed and replied, "It was, and she is!"

    ====================

    When I was in the fifth grade I was taught sex ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian. Either way, there's been very limited experience handling meat.

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