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Thread: Religious fervour!

  1. #41
    Sir Talks-a-lot Marky_D_Sahdd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by squirt View Post
    A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.

    He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign.
    True story, Squirt. I live in a desert where the summer temperatures average 118 degrees. There was a Shell truck stop just off of the interstate. One day, the "S" in the SHELL sign fell off. It took them 3 years to replace it. The local paper opined that, instead of replacing the "S", they should just paint the words "City Limits" under it.


    [jokeroo]i5fz5.9g1p.jpg[/jokeroo]


  2. #42
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marky_D_Sahdd View Post
    True story, Squirt. I live in a desert where the summer temperatures average 118 degrees. There was a Shell truck stop just off of the interstate. One day, the "S" in the SHELL sign fell off. It took them 3 years to replace it. The local paper opined that, instead of replacing the "S", they should just paint the words "City Limits" under it.
    I'm guessing they didn't? lol

  3. #43
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope to ask for a favor.

    The Pope says, "What can I do?"

    The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

    The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words."

    So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency, I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

    The Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again.

    After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the
    Vatican."

    "Let me get back to you," says the Pope.

    The next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

    The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

  4. #44
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    ...........Now the bishop thought that the Pope must be a good and caring man who would go out of his way for the poor and down trodden. So the bishop asked the tramp to sell him his rags which he wore the next day in St Peter's square. The bishop was fortunate enough to see the Pope again and this time the Pope put his arm round the bishop's shoulder and said.

    "Didn't I tell you to fuck off yesterday!"[/quote]

    what the Pope actually said was....

    " ich erklärte Ihnen, gestern abzuhauen !"



  5. #45
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, 'I'm not going.'

    'Why not?' she asked.

    I'll give you two good reasons,
    (1) they don't like me, and
    (2) I don't like them.' he said.

    His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.
    (1) You're 59 years old, and
    (2) you're the pastor!'

  6. #46
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, 'Where would you like to sit?' he asked politely. 'The front row please,' she answered. 'You really don't want to do that,' the usher said. 'The pastor is really boring.' 'Do you happen to know who I am?' the woman inquired. 'No' he said. 'I'm the pastor's mother,' she replied indignantly. 'Do you know who I am?' he asked. 'No' she said. 'Good,' he answered.

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    Jokeroo VIP Status TakinMyLyfeBack's Avatar
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    A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

    "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

    A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

    "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

    A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

  8. #48
    Jokeroo VIP Status TakinMyLyfeBack's Avatar
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    This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

    The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

    With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

  9. #49
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    A reform congregation in New York decides to honor its Rabbi for his years of service and upon his retirement, they send him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you!" The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking, where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very, very angry with you. You have not heard the end of this!" The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

  10. #50
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    A kindergarten teacher gave her class a 'show and tell' assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, 'My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.' The second student got up in front of the class and said, 'My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary.' The third student got in up front of the class and said, 'My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole.'

  11. #51
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?” “No,” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl. “Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother. After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. “Did you throw up?” her mother asked. “Yes,” the little girl replied. “How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked. “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick.’”

  12. #52
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    **Goat for Dinner**

    The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. 'Goat,' the little boy replied.

    'Goat?' replied the startled man of the cloth, 'Are you sure about that?'

    'Yep,' said the youngster. 'I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'

    Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and **Your hand over my mouth**

  13. #53
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
    When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

  14. #54
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
    The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
    Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
    Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

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    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O'Flynn.

    The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun, too!"

    "Oh, no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know."

    O'Flynn smiles, nods and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

    Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.

    "Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation!"

    "It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna shit."

  16. #56
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

    "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bike," said the little boy.

    After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

    The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

    The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it.

    Pulling on the string a few times with no response from the mower, the preacher called the little boy over, "I can't get this mower to start."

    The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

    The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

    The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pullin' on that string. It'll come back to ya'!"

  17. #57
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

    One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

    Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

    There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the fuckin' dog."

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    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
    Harold is His name. Amen."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. "I'm having a real good time like I am."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, And I wanted to stay with you guys."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
    "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore Where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
    "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
    The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church.

    Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church.

    When he spoke to the congregation, he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church."

    Just then, the choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend WeHave in Jesus."

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    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Religious Jokes

    A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

    And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whisky in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

    He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."


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