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Thread: Religious fervour!

  1. #61
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    Default Re: Religious Jokes

    A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.

    'Oh that's easy,' the man replied, 'His name is Andy.'

    'What make you think his name is Andy?' the angel asked incredulously.

    'Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.'

  2. #62
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    Default Re: Religious Jokes

    A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

    'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

    The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

    'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

    Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

    'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

    'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed

  3. #63
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    Default Re: Religious Jokes

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

    "Why shouldn't I?" he said.

    I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

    "Like what?"

    "Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

    "Religious."

    "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

    "Christian."

    "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

    "Protestant."

    "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

    "Baptist."

    "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

    "Baptist Church of God."

    "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

    "Reformed Baptist Church of God."

    "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

    "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

    To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

  4. #64
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    Default Re: Religious Jokes

    One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me drive for once." The driver thinks to himself, "Well, I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dodging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "Slow down a bit, you might get pulled over." The Pope says, "Ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "Oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute."

    The Pope says, "Sure"The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "Guys I just pulled over someone really important."

    They ask who, "The President?."

    "No more important."

    "The president of another country."

    "No more important."

    "An ambassador."

    "No even more important."

    "Well who is it."

    "I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."

  5. #65
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    Default Re: Religious Jokes

    There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

    He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

    A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

    The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

    The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

    His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

    The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

    His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the f*cking potatoes!!!!"

  6. #66
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    Default Re: Religious Jokes

    A mafia's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

    He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

    He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

  7. #67
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    Default Re: Religious Jokes

    Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
    "What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.

    "Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."

    "Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

    "Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.

    "Well?"

    "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"

  8. #68
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

    "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

    It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

    "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

  9. #69
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

    "What is it, child?"

    The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

    The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

  10. #70
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    A missionary was sent to an African tribe to teach Christianity and western culture. After about 6 months, the missionary fell in love with the chiefs' daughter. When the missionary asks the chief if he can marry his daughter, the chief says "I would not normally mind, but you would be a black sheep among a herd of white sheep, and I don't want that sort of attention toward my daughter." The missionary gazes upon the tribes' sheep and notices one black sheep among the white sheep. He says "Sir, if you let me have your daughter's hand in marriage I will not tell the rest of the tribe what you did with the sheep."

  11. #71
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

    The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

    My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

    Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

    He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

  12. #72
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

    "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"

    "I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

  13. #73
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

    When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

    Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

    Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

    The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

  14. #74
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

    "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

    "Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

    "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

    "Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

    "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

    "If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

    "O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

    The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

    "And then?" asked the Rabbi.

    The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

    "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

    "Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

    "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

  15. #75
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

    The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

    The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

    'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

  16. #76
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak...

    Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
    99 nuns: Oh, no!
    1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
    Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
    99 nuns: Oh, no!
    1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
    Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
    99 nuns: Oh, no!
    1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
    Mother Superior: And it has been used!
    99 nuns: Oh, no!
    1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
    Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
    1 nun: Oh, No!
    99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

  17. #77
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

    "I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

    "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

    "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

    "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

    "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

    "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

    "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

    The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

    Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

    The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

  18. #78
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, " I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
    "Odd," her companion replies, " But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.

    "Two dogs, please." Says the mother superior. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part of the dog did you get?"

  19. #79
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned."

    The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

    "I lusted," the fellow replied.

    "Tell me about it," the priest said.

    The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

    "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

    "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

    "Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

    "A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.

    The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

  20. #80
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

    He proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.

    Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.

    Then, all the other bells started to ring.

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