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Thread: Religious fervour!

  1. #81
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

    After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS/PMT."

    The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

    The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, . . .

    "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

  2. #82
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

    "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

    The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"

    The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

    The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

  3. #83
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

    A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

    The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

    The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure."

    The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti

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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

    The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

    Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

    The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

    The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

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    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven.

    There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

    Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted,"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

    James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said,"This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

    Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"

    These beatings and thrashings continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

    As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

    The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

    Who said there was no such thing as .... karma?

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    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

    After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

    Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dare challenge the thought.

    In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

    Don't you just love little old ladies!

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    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

    The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

    Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

    This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

    "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

    "Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

    At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

    The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

    The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    Quote Originally Posted by brilor View Post
    The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

    A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

    The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

    The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure."

    The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti
    lmfao ...

  9. #89
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.

    The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"

  10. #90
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

    The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

    The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

    The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

    St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

    "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

    St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

    The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    Q. What kind of meat does the pope eat?

    A. Nun.

  12. #92
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    Q. What was the First Commandment?
    A. "Adam, eat my pussy.

  13. #93
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    The preacher's wife was making Sunday dinner, when the preacher walked in the house and says "that ham smells wonderful." His wife replies "That's a Dam-Ham." The preacher was surprised by his wife's use of profanity. She showed him the wrapper and explained that was the brand name of the ham. They sat down for dinner and the preacher says to his son, "Son, pass me the dam-ham." and his son replies, "that's the spirit, Pop, now pass me the fucking potatoes"

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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: "PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS"

    The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: "PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN" The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00"

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: "NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE". The Bishop was buried the next day.

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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. 'This is fantastic,' thought the gentleman. 'I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.'

    Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word that ends in 'unt' are refers to a woman?" Only one word leapt to mind... a vulgar one. 'I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another,' thought the gentleman. Then, it hit him. He turned to the Pope and said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

    "Of course!" exclaimed the Pope. "I don't suppose you happen to have an eraser?

  17. #97
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked. "That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three." "What? How did that happen?" "I don't remember. I was drunk."

  18. #98
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    There was this Christian lady who had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

    After a while he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

    The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

    He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

    She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

    He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

    The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."

    "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

    "Then you can ask him," replied the lady.



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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
    time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

    At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

    He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

  20. #100
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    Default Re: Religious fervour!

    Grandma's boyfriend


    A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
    Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,


    'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

    Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.


    I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.


    The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh


    ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

    Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.


    She started
    Adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.


    Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

    The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.


    The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

    The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

    The minister fainted.


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