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Thread: Sick Jokes

  1. #41
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on?

  2. #42
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    I don't know how you can make jokes about people dying or who are about to die. My brother died on 9/11, when the twin towers were attacked - he left behind two little girls and a boy. You lot have no idea of the pain his family goes through every time you mention that date. Even if people don't visit this sick site, the jokes still continue and are passed around by text, so don't give me that "you shouldn't be looking at our site which is for depraved people like us", it doesn't lessen the grief. My brother was a good man, it's such a shame that he got caught up in it all and that the FBI didn't question why he was taking flying lessons in the first place.

    Oooh I'm going to get some stick for this one!

  3. #43
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    roflmfao ... you're a sick man Vinnie, it's no wonder I love you so! lol :p

  4. #44
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    I used to enjoy cyber sex, until I finally met Katie.

    Or Dave, as his mum calls him.

  5. #45
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vinnie View Post
    Thank you all.....You'll have to ask Squirt about the jokes she had to remove as well!
    available only on request via PM! lol :p

  6. #46
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

    The bartender says, "Seems as though you've got a major stuttering problem."

    The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"

    The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered since!"

    The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."

    A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

    The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"

    "I d-d-did!" said the man, "It d-d-didn't w-w-work... ....b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"

  7. #47
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    Talking POD or (P'sOD)

    Congrats Vinnie, great way to break up the day, or if you're at work great way to waste time.

  8. #48
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

    "Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

    The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

    "So what's the good news?" he asks.

    The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

    The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

    So the doctor performs the operation.

    A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

    Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

    Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

    "Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

    Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

  9. #49
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    A gay guy I work with came up to me today and said, "I wish I was your wife."

    I said, "no, you don't - she never takes it up the arse."

  10. #50
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    For years, I have been plagued by what I presumed were terrible hemorrhoids - agony going for a shit, blood loss when wiping my arse, strange bulges in my anus; accompanied by incredible pain when walking normally - so I finally went to the doctor to ask for advice.

    He advised me that if the wife offers the ultimatum of 'load the dishwasher, or I'll shove a pineapple up your arse when you are asleep' then I should load the dishwasher...

  11. #51
    Member Studman 2's Avatar
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    I found all of Vinnie jokes & one liners to be very good. I was ROFLMAO for a long time.
    I would love to see what was not printed...

  12. #52
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws, only catapults.

  13. #53
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger right into the dead man's anus, withdraws it and then licks it.

    He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

    "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation. Note, I sunk the middle finger but I licked my index."

  14. #54
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    If Princess Diana's heart was in the right place... why was it found in the glove compartment?

  15. #55
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    Ordered some stuff online the other day & I used my donor card instead of my debit card.

    Cost me an arm and a leg.

  16. #56
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

  17. #57
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    My country invaded Iraq...

    And all I got was this expensive petrol

  18. #58
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    I run a restaurant and i've been trying to get a company in to do a flavour audit.

    But apparently there's no accounting for taste.

  19. #59
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vinnie View Post
    If Princess Diana's heart was in the right place... why was it found in the glove compartment?
    oooooooooooooh ... lol that reminds me of the one they tell about Challenger, did you know that the 7 astronauts all had blue eyes? some blew this way and some blew that way ... lol

    After Challenger blew up, NASA took on another meaning ... Need Another Seven Astronauts

    lol

  20. #60
    Senior Member Vinnie's Avatar
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    When a woman wears a leather dress,
    a man's heart beats quicker,
    and his throat gets dry,
    he goes weak in the knees,
    and he begins to think irrationally,

    EVER WONDERED WHY???


    BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW CAR!!!

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