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Thread: Groaner thread (please add)

  1. #41
    Super Moderator Bamber's Avatar
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    The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the Celibacy
    rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this
    was one of these occasions.

    Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture
    of the holy seed flying through the air.

    "Hold on a minute," said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the
    reputation of the Catholic Church."

    "This picture is my lottery win," said the photographer, "I'll be
    financially secure for life."

    So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots
    of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.


    The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.

    He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.

    "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "How much did it cost
    you?"

    "Two million dollars." replied the Pope.

    "TWO MILLION DOLLARS!!!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you
    coming!"
    Usquequaque in fimus; tantum altitudinem varius.

  2. #42
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    the man with a glass penis can see himself cumming.

    a girl with a glass vagina has a womb with a view.

    mega groan.



  3. #43
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    *GROAN!!!* lol :p

  4. #44
    Super Moderator Bamber's Avatar
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    Default Play A Jazz Chord

    Stevie Wonder on his sell out tour of Japan - last stop Tokyo.
    He's just finished playing his seventies classic Sir Duke.

    The crowd is still going wild when a young man at the front says: "You, Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord. Play a Jazz chord."
    So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.

    The Japanese lad says: "No, Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord." So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment.
    When he's finished the lad shouts: "No, Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord."

    By now Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done two for you!" he says to the fan.

    "But it best song of Stevie Wonder, it very famous..." comes the reply.

    "OK, well how does it go then?" enquires the blind musical genius.

    The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing...

    "A jazz chord... to say... a ruv you...
    A jazz chord... to say how much a cared..."
    Usquequaque in fimus; tantum altitudinem varius.

  5. #45
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    i have just been sacked.i had to work the wines and spirits section in the shop and this Asian man came up and asked me to recommend a good port so i said , "Dover... now piss off."



  6. #46
    Super Moderator Bamber's Avatar
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    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ~ where do they go?

    Wonder no more!!!

    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

    The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:



    "freeze a jolly good fellow."
    Usquequaque in fimus; tantum altitudinem varius.

  7. #47
    Super Moderator Bamber's Avatar
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    Doctors in a small town in the Florida Panhandle have announced the birth, to a fifteen year old girl, of a bouncing baby boy. The infant, weighing 7 pounds 3 ounces was born with three knees. A left knee, right knee, and a weenee.
    Usquequaque in fimus; tantum altitudinem varius.

  8. #48
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    A team of doctors attended the delivery of quintuplets who were able to walk immediately after their umbilical cords were cut. The senior doctor was asked to explain this unusual occurrence. `I guess they had a lot of practice,’ he said.
    `What do you mean, `practice’?’ asked a medical colleague. `They were just born.’
    The doctor replied, `Well, it was standing womb only.’

  9. #49
    Super Moderator Bamber's Avatar
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    An alligator goes to the vet one afternoon. "What can I do ya for?" the veterinarian asks.

    "Well doc," says the gator, "I haven't been my normal self for weeks. I used to be able to swim for hours and chase prey. Now, I can barely swim twenty feet and I haven't caught a single meal in days Everything seems off."

    "I see... I see." said the veterinarian. "I think I've got a cure for you."
    The vet disappears into the back of the clinic and comes back with a bottle of pills. He hands them to the alligator, who reads the perscription.

    "Viagra?!?" the alligator yells, confused. "What the hell doc?"

    The veterinarian replies, "Its obvious to me you're suffering from a reptile dysfunction."
    Usquequaque in fimus; tantum altitudinem varius.

  10. #50
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bamber View Post
    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ~ where do they go?

    Wonder no more!!!

    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

    The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:



    "freeze a jolly good fellow."
    how come i have never been hit on the head by a dead bird, surly of all those birds flying about at least one would go , flap flap flap flap has a heartattack. agggnnnn ahhhh and falls out the sky.but you never see this do you.



  11. #51
    Super Moderator Bamber's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by konifur2 View Post
    how come i have never been hit on the head by a dead bird, surly of all those birds flying about at least one would go , flap flap flap flap has a heartattack. agggnnnn ahhhh and falls out the sky.but you never see this do you.

    That remind me of the great Hugo Rune's theory about flattened hedgehogs:
    "Take, for example, the phenomenon of fish falls. Rains of tiny fish cascading down on the planet. Observed by many, disbelieved by most, understood by none. And what about hedgehog falls? So much solid evidence and no research carried out whatever.
    Take a drive in the country during the hedgehog season and you will see the remains of thousands of them splattered across the roads. And observe just how flat they are. They must have fallen from a very great height to end up like that!
    The popular explanations for these pitiful remains is that the hedgehogs have been run over by motor cars. Oh dear, oh dear. It is quite clear to me that the hedgehog, or hedge-hopping hog, as it was originally known, is a dweller of the upper atmosphere. It feeds on flying insects and the tiny fish that inhabit the Aquasphere.
    The Aquasphere, as all who have read my monograph Noah's Flood : Where all the water actually came from will know, is the mile-thick outer layer of water which prevents our atmosphere from drifting away into space. Hedgehogs, which fish in this region, float about up there, remaining aloft due to the inflated sacs of natural methan which surrouds their bodies. When they die, often due to punctures recieved during rutting season, they deflate and plunge down to earth, exploding as they strike the tarmac. The fact that you never see a flat hedgehog upon a soft grassy field, bears this out and proves my point somewhat conclusively, I so believe."





    Usquequaque in fimus; tantum altitudinem varius.

  12. #52
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    [quote=Bamber;3041839]
    That remind me of the great Hugo Rune's theory about flattened hedgehogs:
    "Take, for example, the phenomenon of fish falls. Rains of tiny fish cascading down on the planet. Observed by many, disbelieved by most, understood by none. And what about hedgehog falls? So much solid evidence and no research carried out whatever.
    Take a drive in the country during the hedgehog season and you will see the remains of thousands of them splattered across the roads. And observe just how flat they are. They must have fallen from a very great height to end up like that!
    The popular explanations for these pitiful remains is that the hedgehogs have been run over by motor cars. Oh dear, oh dear. It is quite clear to me that the hedgehog, or hedge-hopping hog, as it was originally known, is a dweller of the upper atmosphere. It feeds on flying insects and the tiny fish that inhabit the Aquasphere.
    The Aquasphere, as all who have read my monograph Noah's Flood : Where all the water actually came from will know, is the mile-thick outer layer of water which prevents our atmosphere from drifting away into space.

    but isn`t this what earth looks like.









  13. #53
    Super Moderator Bamber's Avatar
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    [quote=konifur2;3041845]
    Quote Originally Posted by Bamber View Post

    ...but isn`t this what earth looks like.

    Not the one occupied by Hugo Artemis Solon Saturnicus Reginald Arthur Rune.
    Usquequaque in fimus; tantum altitudinem varius.

  14. #54
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    [quote=Bamber;3041854]
    Quote Originally Posted by konifur2 View Post

    Not the one occupied by Hugo Artemis Solon Saturnicus Reginald Arthur Rune.
    ohhhh! am i getting discombobulated again.



  15. #55
    Super Moderator Bamber's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by konifur2 View Post
    ohhhh! am i getting discombobulated again.
    Here: Hugo Rune - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
    Usquequaque in fimus; tantum altitudinem varius.

  16. #56
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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  17. #57
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    The Toad Story

    So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

    Anyway ... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

    The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

    The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

    To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

    There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

    She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

    The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries,they remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!"

    She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

    To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

    The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy ... just follow the yellow dick Toad!"

  18. #58
    Jokeroo Enthusiast hortysir's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Squirt

    My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf. You know, golf ... that' s the game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women. So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.

    He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"

    "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find."

    "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off."

    "What's tee off?"

    "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."

    "Not for me" I said, "you can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."

    "No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."

    "Yeah, I've got one of those."

    "Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."

    "You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."

    "You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."

    Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.

    He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"

    "Sure"

    "You're balls are in it, aren't they?"

    "Of course," I told him.

    "Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"

    "I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to."

    "Don't you have a zipper on your bag?"

    "No, I am the old fashioned type."

    "Do you know how to hold your club?"

    Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.

    He said, "You take your club in both hands ..."

    Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking about.

    Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder ..."

    No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.

    He asked, "How do your hold your club?"

    And before I thought about it, I said "With two fingers."

    He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me.

    Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing.

    He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars ..."

    I could well imagine that.

    "... and when you're on the green ..."

    "What's the green?"

    "That's where the hole is."

    "Sure you're not color blind?"

    "Then you take your putter in your hands"

    "What's a putter?"

    "That's the smallest club made."

    "That's what I got, a putter."

    "And with it, you put your ball into the hole."

    I corrected him, "You mean the putter."

    "No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."

    Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.

    "Then," he said," after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17."

    Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.

    "You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"

    "Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?"

    "The flag will go up!"

    Uh, huh ...
    :groan:




  19. #59
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    lmao ... I tried to find it, I knew I'd seen it somewhere before lol

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    Jokeroo Enthusiast Huggies's Avatar
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    Art Thief
    Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
    I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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