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Thread: Groaner thread (please add)

  1. #61
    Jokeroo Enthusiast Huggies's Avatar
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    Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
    "How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
    "That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
    BONG!
    "That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
    "Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
    Quasimodo came out and said...
    "I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

  2. #62
    Jokeroo Enthusiast Huggies's Avatar
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    The day after the guy with no arms fell to his death, another fellow shows up and said that he was the brother of the man with no arms and he wanted to audition for the bell ringers job. Quasimodo takes him to the bell tower, the guy picks up the wooden mallet and starts to ring the bells. He took a huge swing, missed the bell and fell over the balcony to his death. Quasimodo runs outside and the policeman asks him who the fellow was. Quasimodo says, "I never got his name but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
    :groan:

  3. #63
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking.
    Hans ran inside to get help, yelling "Mom! Dad! Come quick!
    There's a franc in Stein!"

  4. #64
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
    The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
    "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

  5. #65
    Jokeroo Enthusiast hortysir's Avatar
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  6. #66
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    ty tyvm lol

  7. #67
    Jokeroo Enthusiast hortysir's Avatar
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    I had it tucked away, afterall

  8. #68
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    Just above a river is a fly. The fly thinks to himself, if i drop 3 inches into the mist, I'll be slightly cooler.

    In the river, is a salmon. He thinks, if that fly drops 3 inches, ill be able to jump up and eat the fly.

    Behind the tree by the river is a bear. He sees the situation and says to himself, if that fly drops 3 inches, then that salmon will jump up and eat him and i'll be able the catch that fish.

    Closeby, watching carefully is a hunter holding a sandwich and a rifle. He says, if that fly drops 3 inches, then that salmon will jump and a grab him, the that bear will leap out and snatch the salmon and ill be able to shoot that bear.

    Under a bush near the hunter is a mouse. Thinking to himself, he says, if that fly drops 3 inches, that salmon will jump up and grab it, that bear will leap out and snatch the salmon, the hunter will drop the sandwich to shoot the bear and Ill have a nice lunch for myself.

    Out of sight there's a cat, thinking to himself if that fly drops 3 inches, that salmon will jump up and grab it, that bear will leap out and snatch the salmon, the hunter will drop the sandwich to shoot the bear, the mouse will come out and eat the sandwich and i shall catch the mouse and gobble it down.

    The fly drops 3 inches.
    The salmon jumps up and eats it.
    The bear leaps out and catches the salmon.
    The hunter drops his sandwich and shoots the bear.
    The mouse comes out and eats the sandwich.
    The cat lunges towards the mouse... but the mouse ducks and the cat drowns.

    Morale of the story, whenever a fly falls 3 inches, a pussy is in danger.



  9. #69
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed.

    Each officer on the force was assigned a page of the names in it and told to check them out. After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports.

    When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is a sixty-eight-year old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."

    "Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you.
    You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book."

  10. #70
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    A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in the house all the time, because all it does is eat grass.

    He also has a favorite tool, his wrench, which he uses all the time.

    One day He looses the wrench. He looks every where for it but can't find it.

    The dog gets out, eats all his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench.

    The man starts singing "A grazing Mace how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

  11. #71
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Cool Groaners..feel free to add.

    I said to my Doctor, "I've become a can of deodorant."

    He said, "Are you sure?"

    I replied, "No, I'm Lynx."



  12. #72
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Groaners..feel free to add.

    My doctor asked me if I drank to excess.

    I told him I would drink to anything.

  13. #73
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Groaners..feel free to add.

    Police searching for a missing child heard heavy breathing coming from a parked van.
    But, when they looked, it was just a kid napping.

  14. #74
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    Default Re: Groaners..feel free to add.

    She was only a telegraphist's daughter, but she didit, didit, didit ...

  15. #75
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Groaners..feel free to add.

    Why did the fly fall off the toilet?
    It got pissed off.

  16. #76
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Groaners..feel free to add.

    What dog rides a horse named Macaroni?


    Yankee poodle!

  17. #77
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Groaners..feel free to add.

    how are trains and teachers differrent?
    cause a teacher says spit out your gum and a train says chew-chew

  18. #78
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Groaners..feel free to add.

    What do you call a ghost who only haunts the Town Hall?

    The nightmayor.

  19. #79
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    Default Re: Groaners..feel free to add.

    There was this guy who just got a new job as school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the bus with characters from Sesame Street. Se. he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, Cookie Monster, and so forth.

    At his first stop, there was this very overweight little girl. He opened the door and said, "hi, I'm the new bus driver. What's your name?" The girl said her name was Pattie. Waiting at the next stop was another overweight little girl. He said, "hi, I'm the new bus driver. What's your name?" She said her name was Pattie also.

    At the next stop there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said, "hi, I'm the new bus driver. what's your name?" The woman piped up and said, "his name is Ross and he is my son." She continued, "he is very special so I want you to take extra good care of him." The bus driver replied, "no problem. He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him in the mirror."

    At the next stop. there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The bus driver said, "hi, I'm the new bus driver. What's your name?" The boy replied, "my name is Lester Cleese." Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy ...

    At home later that night his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was. The man replied, "Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Clees Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus."

  20. #80
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    Default Re: Groaners..feel free to add.


    Hans Grapje was a catholic and aspired to become a priest but was drafted into the army and spent 2 years copiloting B-17's until his plane was shot down and he lost his left arm. He spent rest of war as a chaplain and after the war he became a priest serving as a missionary in Africa. He later became a bishop, then an archbishop.

    In 1997 he was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused him to go into the mine and administer last rights to those who were severely injured. Another shaft collapsed and he suffered multiple injuries including the loss of one eye. The high silver content in the mine caused him to have purpura, a life-long condition causing purplish skin blotches. His long and selfless service elevated him to Cardinal in 2001.

    Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God, other church leaders agreed he would never ascend to the Papacy for good reason.

    No one wanted a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader!

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