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Thread: Mackem jokes

  1. #21
    Jokeroo VIP Status Anna's Avatar
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    Geordies brother passed away so Geordie bought a little wooden cross to put on his grave. When he went to put some flowers on the grave he noticed that the wind had blown the cross over in the night, so he straightened it up and put a wooden chock in to keep it tight.

    The next time he went down he saw that the cross had been blown over again and thought to himself, "what am I ganna dee"

    He happened to notice a coil of wire lying on the ground that had been left by the cable lads that had been working nearby so he got the wonderful idea to fasten one end of the wire on the cross, and the other to a nearby tree.

    That night he went to the Club for a pint. His mate says, "Geordie, I see ye brothers dee'in weel since he snuffed it".

    "How de'ya make that oot", says Geordie. :?:

    "Well", "ah was passin his grave this mornin and a noticed he's got that digital telly in".

  2. #22
    Jokeroo VIP Status Anna's Avatar
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    A Geordie is in London for the day and really fancie's a pint of NewCastle Brown Ale.

    It isn't long before he comes across a pub.

    Once inside he walks up to the barman and asks for his favorite drink, a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale.
    "I'm sorry" say's the barman "We don't sell Newcastle Brown Ale here"

    The Geordie is gutted, but as he is thirsty he decides to have anything that the barman can offer.

    "Will a pint of Witbred do sir?" the barman enquired handing him the drink.
    "That'll do" the Geordie
    answers and takes a good long gulp, "Wy-ay thats not bad" he said in apreciation, "Im ganna need a piss now. Can ya look after me pint while I'm in there?"
    "Certainly Sir" answered the barman
    "But I don't want anybody touching my pint, there will be hell to pay if they do" and off he goes to the toilet to relieve himself.

    While he's in there a big black woman walks up to the geordie's pint, takes a sip from it and then farts in it. The barman see's this but is to late. He panics, remembering the Geordie's threat and 2 seconds later in comes the geordie back from the toilet. He's about to pick up his pint when he notices a fresh lipstick mark on the glass,"whats be goin on ere then man? Some one's ad me pint". Sweating, and pointing at the black woman over in the corner, the barman tells the story of how she farted in his pint.

    "Reet then" say's the geordie rolling up his sleeves, and marches over to where the big black woman is sat,
    "'scuse me luv, you fart in ma Whitbred"
    to which the woman replies,
    "No I'm Tessa Sanderson."


  3. #23
    Jokeroo VIP Status Anna's Avatar
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    My wife has started visiting a new hairdressers run by a Geordie girl.

    Today my wife asked for a 'perm'.

    The Geordie girl started, "I wandered lonely as a cloud..."

  4. #24
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by anna_hun View Post
    not quiet suitable for all occasions..lmbo
    omg-that reminds me now of my sigtag you made me...haha
    *giggles* ... they're almost to his ears! lmao

  5. #25
    Jokeroo VIP Status Anna's Avatar
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    I hope hes getting closer soon..been waiting for sum days now..lol

  6. #26
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    lmao ... you made me choke on my pepsi lol :p

  7. #27
    Jokeroo VIP Status Anna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by squirt View Post
    lmao ... you made me choke on my pepsi lol :p
    You made the tag....haha:o

  8. #28
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    lmfao ... I need to light a fire under his ass then! lol


  9. #29
    Jokeroo VIP Status Anna's Avatar
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    OMG...LMFAO...-woop woop :p

  10. #30
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    lmao ... *singing ... come on baby light my fire lol

  11. #31
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    HAHAHAHA brilliant Anna ,if it was up to me i would give you a POD. HEHEHE.

    OK....HERE IS MY INPUT......

    16) Greggs is everywhere......... also you will see all the bairns (children) with a Byker dummy in their hand....(sausage roll )

    27) You think the "Loveshack" bouncers are twats....all bouncers are twats.

    37) You've snogged someone in Wet and Wild jacuzzis.....and pissed in them

    45) "HAREEET!" it is ..... "HAREEEEET WOR KID"

    39) You or your mam has partied on the Tuxedo Princess...... now gone *sobs*


    11) For a night out you arm yourself with tabs, bella, and out of date durex........ in my case the flavoured ones so i could chew on the things walking home by myself.

    28) You clap at the Great North Runners..... not clap nowadays...laugh.(people only watch it now as they have bets on how many old codgers have heart attacks)sick but true

    32) You go the beach and the fair just because its summer, even though its raining....south shields now not seaburn because the mackems/Geordie's like to make fun of the sand dancers.


    18) You know of Jimmy Jesus, Dave the Rave, The Durham Big Issue Woman, The dogs who wear the sunderland strips, the Durham Yellow Car........you forgot Gazza`s mat "three belly's"

    36) Clubbing in Shields is classy...........you must wear sandals with white socks to fit in.

    7) You've heard of/been to the New Monkey...but you had to be under 15 to get in and you got searched for drugs as you where not allowed to take them in....you HAD to buy them in there.(true)...now closed down.(that club is only 4 minutes walk from where i live.


    24) You're actually proud of a rusty structure slightly resembling a scarecrow. On a hill. On the A1.....I`M SORRY TO DISAGREE WITH YOU THERE ANNA....it looks like a plane hate crashed and left to get rusty AND MOST PEOPLE HATE IT apart from councilors....see pic.

    lastly Anna you forgot one thing...

    you know when you re from the northeast when...you know what the Geordie's mean when they chant at footy matches..." WEES KEYS ARE THEESE KEEEEYS!!!"

    THANKS FOR ALL OF THESE ANNA. us north-easterners can laugh at our selves.NSBAPOI.

    .....Gateshead angel...or crashed plane.



  12. #32
    Jokeroo VIP Status Anna's Avatar
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    Thank you konifur...
    what..is the tuxedo gone....? I never made it ...
    The angel of the north..appart from that the northeast is north
    it represends nothing to me with that part of the country...
    It mite has a meaning ..but not sure if the geordies know..lol
    I only heard the crowd at st.james a few times-while we were shopping...
    never been...and we are...hope you sit good
    M.U fans...:o

  13. #33
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by anna_hun View Post
    Thank you konifur...
    what..is the tuxedo gone....? I never made it ...
    The angel of the north..appart from that the northeast is north
    it represends nothing to me with that part of the country...
    It mite has a meaning ..but not sure if the geordies know..lol
    I only heard the crowd at st.james a few times-while we were shopping...
    never been...and we are...hope you sit good
    M.U fans...:o
    i`m not a football fan at all.(i like watch ladies beach volleyball live on a spanish beach. thats the only sport i like,lol.)when i`m out and about and people ask me who i support i just tell them the cityi`m in when i`m asks.if i`m with my friends at newcastle, i`m a newcastle fan ..lol. it`s easier that way.

    i will tell you a true story about the angel from lads who live next to it....
    when it was 1st erected (ohhh can i say that lol.) the lads in the local bar made up a story that that quickly spread throughout the northeast and the then England.......
    the angel has special powers if a girl cannot get pregnant the angle is a fertility monument. if you run round anti clock wise three times then kiss it`s feet twice then run round clockwise and kiss it`s feet four times she will fall pregnant.
    well that is the bullshit story made up by the local lads.people have been seen many times actually doing that running round the bloody thing..
    but one thing they do not know when kissing it`s feet that on a night time the chavs hang about there drinking cider and pissing all over the great big feet .hahaha you gotta laugh.
    Last edited by konifur; 04-19-2009 at 08:31 AM.



  14. #34
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    sure laughing here...
    We havent been up north for some years now..
    inlaws retired in spain now..and have no ties up there anymore
    I love the friendly ppl up north...and I hope they ll stay that way

  15. #35
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by anna_hun View Post
    A Geordie is in London for the day and really fancie's a pint of NewCastle Brown Ale.

    It isn't long before he comes across a pub.

    Once inside he walks up to the barman and asks for his favorite drink, a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale.
    "I'm sorry" say's the barman "We don't sell Newcastle Brown Ale here"

    The Geordie is gutted, but as he is thirsty he decides to have anything that the barman can offer.

    "Will a pint of Witbred do sir?" the barman enquired handing him the drink.
    "That'll do" the Geordie
    answers and takes a good long gulp, "Wy-ay thats not bad" he said in apreciation, "Im ganna need a piss now. Can ya look after me pint while I'm in there?"
    "Certainly Sir" answered the barman
    "But I don't want anybody touching my pint, there will be hell to pay if they do" and off he goes to the toilet to relieve himself.

    While he's in there a big black woman walks up to the geordie's pint, takes a sip from it and then farts in it. The barman see's this but is to late. He panics, remembering the Geordie's threat and 2 seconds later in comes the geordie back from the toilet. He's about to pick up his pint when he notices a fresh lipstick mark on the glass,"whats be goin on ere then man? Some one's ad me pint". Sweating, and pointing at the black woman over in the corner, the barman tells the story of how she farted in his pint.

    "Reet then" say's the geordie rolling up his sleeves, and marches over to where the big black woman is sat,
    "'scuse me luv, you fart in ma Whitbred"
    to which the woman replies,
    "No I'm Tessa Sanderson."

    ROFLMAO!!!

  16. #36
    Jokeroo VIP Status Anna's Avatar
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    Back on top

  17. #37
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Mackem and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

    The Mackem yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"

    "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

  18. #38
    Jokeroo VIP Status Anna's Avatar
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    Goodin-ty bri

  19. #39
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by brilor View Post
    Mackem and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

    The Mackem yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"

    "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
    most mackem girls get buried in a Y shaped coffin.

    i have told my wife often enough she can dance on my grave, but i want to be buried at sea.
    she says.
    she is gonna get me cremated the she is going to get my ashes and sniff then up her nose and say "there you have been up all my holes now."

    but we do love to hate each other



  20. #40
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by konifur2 View Post
    most mackem girls get buried in a Y shaped coffin.

    i have told my wife often enough she can dance on my grave, but i want to be buried at sea.
    she says.
    she is gonna get me cremated the she is going to get my ashes and sniff then up her nose and say "there you have been up all my holes now."

    but we do love to hate each other
    And she'll tip your ashes into her hand, blow them off and say, "Well I finally gave you that BJ"

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