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Thread: hotter than hell

  1. #21
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    Even if you're not from Texas you gotta love this!

    An Arab enters a taxi cab in Dallas , Texas ...........

    Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio .........

    So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.

    The Arab asks him: "What are you doing man?"

    The Texan answers:"In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get your ass out and wait for a camel."



    You gotta love Texas

  2. #22
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    and I do lol

  3. #23
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.

    He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."

    Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"

    "Well ma'am, how about a suit?"

    "Yes sir, what size?"
    "Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."

    "Wow, that's really big."

    "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

    "What's next?" she asked.

    He replied, "How about some shoes."

    "What size?"

    "Size 15 ... double D."

    "Wow, that's really big!"

    "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

    "What's next?"

    "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

    "Yes sir, what size?"

    "Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.

    "Wow, that's really big!"

    "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

    She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"

    "No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

    Well, she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?"

    "Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."

    She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

    Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am?"

  4. #24
    Jokeroo Immortal stevent222's Avatar
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    41 degrees last night with an expected 100 + today.

  5. #25
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    Two men are pulled over by a Texas Highway Patrolman.

    When the trooper reaches the mens car he leans inside and smacks the driver on the head with his flashlight.

    "What the hell did you do that for?" the driver asks.

    The trooper responds "you know damn good and well that when I step up here you're supposed to have your drivers lic. and proof of insurance ready for me to check".

    After the trooper is finished writing the ticket he walks over to the passengers side and leans in and smacks the other man in the head with his flashlight.

    "What the fuck are you doing" the passenger screams.

    "I'm just granting your wish" replies the trooper.

    "what wish?" asks the man.

    "I know for a fact that half a mile down the road you're gonna lean over to your friend there and say 'I wish he woulda pulled that crap with me.'"

  6. #26
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    The Texas teeny-bopper told a classmate, "I'll let you do it for $20 -- $10 to put it in and $10 to take it out."
    The boy quickly agreed.
    The couple went into the woods, and the young thing slipped off her panties and laid back.
    The boy slipped in his erection and handed her a $10 bill.
    And then, when he was finished, he handed her another $10 and she released him.
    The next week, he requested her again, and she agreed.
    This time, he handed her the $10, and then, when he had finished, he just lay there.
    After about 10 minutes, she said "OK, Billy!Take it out now."
    He continued to lie there and said, "I can't -- I don't have any more money."

  7. #27
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    A big Texan is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.

    This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want.

    Liam says, O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days.

    Hey, Boy, says the Texan, Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine.

    I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im, says Liam.

    The Texan is getting angry now. Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now.

    Oh well, says Liam, $2000.00US.

    Deal! says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.

    The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Liam and says, Hey, Boy, you a damn swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!

    I keep tellin' you he don't look too good, says Liam, and you kept saying that's none of my business, so in the end I gave up.

  8. #28
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    You know you are in Texas when...


    The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

    The trees are whistling for the dogs.

    The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

    Hot water now comes out of both taps.

    You can make sun tea instantly.

    You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

    The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

    You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

    You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

    You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

    You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

    Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

    You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

    The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

    Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

    The cows are giving evaporated milk.
    Last edited by mytime; 12-01-2012 at 11:19 PM.

  9. #29
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    A tough old cowboy from south Texas on his death bed counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously and a bit generously, to the age of 103 when she finally died.

    She left behind:

    14 children,
    30 grandchildren,
    45 great-grandchildren,
    25 great-great-grandchildren, ......and

    a 15-foot wide crater where the crematorium used to be.

  10. #30
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

    Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine and feel despondent.

    As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.

    Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

    The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.

    "Who said that?" he called out.

    There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."

    Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

    When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

    A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

    "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

    The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

    The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

    "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know a thing about cars."

  11. #31
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer.

    One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door.



    When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

    "No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you."
    So she had him come right on in.

    He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.



    Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.

    When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands, which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.

    "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

    And the preacher said, "Hello, Darlin!!"

  12. #32
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    A Texan went into the big city up North for the first time. After strolling around the downtown area for a while, he happened to look up and saw a man at the top of a tall building.

    The man looked like he was ready to jump off. Concerned about the man's fate, the Texan immediately started thinking of things he could tell the man so that he would want to live and would not jump.

    "Remember your wife," yelled the Texan. "She divorced me," said the man.

    "Remember your children," yelled the Texan. "They ran away," said the man.

    "Remember your parents," yelled the Texan. "They're dead," said the man.

    "Remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan. "What's the Alamo?" inquired the man.

    "JUMP, YOU STUPID YANKEE SUMBITCH!!" yelled the Texan.

  13. #33
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

    The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

    The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

    The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

    The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No Shit! What happened next?"

  14. #34
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

    The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

    "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.

    "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

    The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

    "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now."

  15. #35
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    Awhile back I went fishing in a lake in south east Texas but after a short time I ran out of worms.
    Just then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth and thought - Frogs are good bait.
    Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I reached down and grabbed him behind the head and took the frog.
    Now I had to figure out how to release the snake without him wanting to bit me.
    Well, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured some down it down the snakes throat.
    His eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him a short ways from where I was and went back to fishing.

    A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. I looked down and there was the snake with two more frogs in his mouth.......

    Just goes to show all of Gods creature now a good whiskey when they try it.

  16. #36
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    In a small Texas town, the police arrested the local madam and seized her little black book, which listed all her girls.

    Each officer on the small police force was assigned a group of names and ordered to check them out.

    After a week, the chief held a meeting.

    When he called on Detective Summers, Summers replied, "Chief, I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to disqualify myself. One of the ladies I questioned is an eighty-four- year-old so charming that I've fallen in love with her."

    "Tarnation, boy!" exclaimed the chief. "I'm surprised at you, Summers. You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"

  17. #37
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    [jimg]rbuq/z3/c/t/3/e/ct3ea.baa.1-Texas-jokes.jpg[/jimg]

  18. #38
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    [jimg]rk2t/z3/L/5/5/e/L55ea.haa.1-pot-pourri-221.jpg[/jimg]

  19. #39
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    [jimg]rkdq/z3/U/_/5/e/U_5ea.aaa.1-pot-pourri-234.jpg[/jimg]

  20. #40
    Senior Member TwiztedAngel's Avatar
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    Default Re: hotter than hell

    You know you're in Texas when they announce on the news that a cold front is going to drop temperatures to 92 degrees.

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