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Thread: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

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    Default Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    Did Eve Come First?

    One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...

    "Lord, I have a problem!"

    "What's the problem, Eve?"

    "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

    "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

    "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

    "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

    "What's a 'man', Lord?"

    "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in romantic pursuits."

    "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

    "Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."

    "What's that, Lord?"

    "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them holding a bag.
    "Hi God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.
    "These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation," God replies. He then rummages around in the bag a moment.
    "Who wants to be able to pee standing up?" he asks.
    Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically: "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help so much when I'm out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have it!"
    "Well, all right," says God. "Now, let's see what we have for you, Eve." God rummages about a bit more in the bag.
    "Ah, right," he says. "Multiple orgasms."

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    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    the joke was on us cuz then He made the 10 second man ... lol










    Love many things, for therein lies the true strength
    and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much
    and what is done in love is done well ♥

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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

    The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

    The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

    A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

    Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You´re running around with other women," she told her mate.

    "Eve, honey, you´re being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you´re the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in his side. It was Eve poking him about the torso.

    "What do you think you´re doing?" Adam demanded.

    "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

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    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    Quote Originally Posted by squirt View Post
    the joke was on us cuz then He made the 10 second man ... lol
    Why bring me into this Char?



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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    a'cuz I love you!!! lol

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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    Give Women...

    If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

    If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

    If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

    If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

    A woman multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

    Why is this important for every man to know?

    Because if you give her any crap, you need be ready to receive a ton of shit in return

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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    The world came to an end, all the men in the world were waiting to go into heaven. God said I want all the men who held dominion over the women to stand to the right, nad all the men who allowed their women hold dominion over them to stand to the left. Immediately, all the men except one moved to the left. God said all you men should be ashamed of yourselves. I put you on earth to hold dominion over all creatures, and I created women to serve you." He looked over at the one man standing to the right. He said "My son, please tell these others how you did it." The guy said "I don't know what you're talking about, my wife told me to stand here, so I did."
    Life is simple: Just follow the rules

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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.
    I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.
    She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.
    "That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."
    She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"

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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?"
    "Absolutely not!" replied the pastor, disappointed that John would even ask such a question.
    "In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July."

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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    10 Things ONLY Men Can Do

    Ladies, prepare to get your panties in a bunch, as we relate the 10 things only men can do. Tired of hearing that you're a member of the lesser gender? Take heart guys, there?s some things you do a whole lot better than women and we've compiled a list of the top 10. Each item on this list was evaluated on a particular genetic or social difference that gives us guys an advantage over women. Are you ready to see what you're better at? Here's our top 10 list of things only men can do.

    1: Go topless

    Sure, women can go topless on the beach, but we can do it whenever and wherever we please. Walking down the street? Off. Mowing the lawn? Off. Street ball? Skins. Rollerblading -- women can try it, but it might be painful. Still in doubt? What gender do you think is responsible for "No Shirts. No Shoes. No Service."? Useless nipples and the lack of oversized sweat glands are the reasons for this entry on our list of things only men can do.

    2: Hold our liquor

    Sorry ladies, we're genetically wired to pack it away a lot better than you. Men produce more of the protective enzyme alcohol dehydrogenase, which breaks down alcohol. This ultimately means that while you're buzzing off one Cosmo and saying "I love this song" for five songs straight, we can enjoy another two whisky sours and continue to debate whether or not the world can be saved from global warming.

    3: Manscape

    The playoff beard, the love canal, the Fu Manchu, and the goatee are strictly male innovations, and growing them are things only men can do. Plus we can wear chest, underarm, leg, ear, and nose hair as proudly and loudly as we like. Women? Sure they can imitate our Sasquatch look, but like the Sasquatch, they might limit their survival to a small band of tree huggers, who also share their "natural" beauty.

    4: Navigate spatially

    Men are much better at seeing things as they really are -- in 3-D. True, the fact that we can see Spy Kids 3-D in focus is no reward, but our superior ability to see shapes also improves our abilities in geometry and math. This explains why more men are math geniuses than women. Sure, the journal Science declared otherwise in 2008 and we are socialized to believe girls are less competent in this realm, but tradition is a hard thing to beat.

    5: Shave our heads

    Sure, Natalie Portman, Sigourney Weaver and Demi Moore all sheared their locks for Hollywood, but as a true lifestyle choice in everyday society, guys have mastered the bald top. From Michael Jordan to David Beckham to Samuel L. Jackson guys wear bald better. Still need more proof? Just look at bald Britney. Result: Shaving our heads is something only men can do.

    6: Play real sports

    Be honest; which of these would you prefer to watch: WNBA or NBA? NHL or women's hockey? NFL or women?s rugby? MLB or softball? We understand that women play plenty of sports and, yes, they are good athletes, but their sports are a snoozefest to watch. An example, in the WNBA a slam dunk stops the presses, while in the NBA, unless it's a back reverse through three defenders, it's just another two points.

    7: Fertilize eggs

    Call it mankind, humankind or peoplekind, we have fertilized history. Yes, our swimmers are under siege from early scientific studies that show women can create sperm from their own bone marrow. And of course, studies are also underway to grow babies out of the womb. Are these studies headed by lesbians? Anyway, until our offspring are named 1765A and 1766B, our tadpoles will continue to hit the target.

    8: Pee standing up

    Full bladder, but there's a line for the urinal? Just step outside and pee behind a dumpster. On a camping trip? Pee and lean against a tree to steady your flow. While women have to unzip, pull down and crouch before they can go, our process is pretty simple: Find some cover, unzip and go. And if we want to write our name in the snow, we can see exactly what we?re doing.

    9: F*** things

    Yep, we can stick ourselves into the middle of things better than anything else. Of course, some of us can do it better than others, but no amount of plastic pegs, rods or mambas can come close to our natural technique.

    10: Age well

    Sorry ladies, all your creams, moisturizers and youth-in-a-bottle remedies have nothing on us. Our male hormones give us thicker skin, which means we get fewer wrinkles and our skin stays younger longer. While women have Joan Rivers to look forward to, we have Sean Connery.

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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    A MAN'S PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT (at least the way he'd like to see it)

    I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that:

    Section 1: In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

    Section 1.01: And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

    Section 1.02: I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

    Section 2: I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

    Section 3: Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

    Section 3.01: I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

    Section 3.02: And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

    Section 4: After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

    Section 4.01: I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

    Section 5: In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

    Section 5.01: I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner and hide their car keys so they have to stay.

    Section 5.02: I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

    Section 5.03: I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

    Section 5.04: I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body and will always love your *weekend* beard.

    Section 6: After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

    Section 6.01: I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything mechanical. With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

    Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:

    Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans,
    fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize,
    bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console,
    purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond,
    anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice,
    ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain,
    charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige,
    fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel,
    ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse,
    fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish,
    upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand,
    jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse,
    resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm,
    allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt,
    commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle,
    snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib,
    salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like
    a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle,
    hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly,
    don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle,
    squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk,
    keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate,
    gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold,
    blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast,
    enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

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    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME:

    Give him a bottle of beer and a wank.
    Last edited by konifur; 12-20-2011 at 03:49 AM.



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    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    A woman walked into a bar. Haha just kidding. She walked into the kitchen.



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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

    His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

    'April', he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?"

    She replied with a snicker. "It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!"

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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)




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    Default Re: Women vs Men (or Men Vs Women if you prefer)

    30 Facts About Men

    1. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
    Because it's never used.

    2. Why are men so happy?
    Because ignorance is bliss.

    3. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
    Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

    4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same time,who would reach the ground first?
    The woman, the man would get lost.

    5. How are men like commercials?
    You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 60 seconds.

    6. How do men exercise at the beach?
    By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini.

    7. What do you call a man with half a brain?
    Gifted.

    8. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
    Bonds mature.

    9. What did God say after creating man?
    I can do better.

    10. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
    1. No mind. 2. No business.

    11. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
    A tourist.

    12. If men got pregnant then:
    Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

    13. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
    He had it bronzed.

    14. What is gross stupidity?
    144 men in one room.

    15. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
    Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

    16. How do men sort their laundry?
    "Filthy"¯ and "Filthy but Wearable".

    17. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

    18. What does a man consider to be quality time with his wife?
    Pulling the sheets over her head and saying, "Great chili, Babe!"

    19. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
    Dating children.

    20. What should you give a man who has everything?
    A woman to show him how to work it.

    21. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
    To stop the snoring before it starts.

    22. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
    They stay stuck in adolescence.

    23. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

    24. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the
    circus?
    At the circus the clowns don't talk.

    25. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    26. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
    Exchange him.

    27. Why do bachelors like smart women?
    Opposites attract.

    28. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
    They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

    29. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

    30. What is the thinnest book in the world?
    What Men Know About Women.

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