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Thread: Men and Women

  1. #141
    Jokeroo VIP Status Kryten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    A mans personality is a lot like a department store.

    You never realise how many flaws there are until a woman points them out.

  2. #142
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    My wife raves about her new sex toy. I have to admit they look very realistic nowadays.

    I came home early the other night and saw it sitting on the end of the bed putting its trousers on with a fag in its mouth.

  3. #143
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
    So I'd be in your hands all day.

    Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
    So I could have a new one every day.

  4. #144
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    A salesman was testifying in his divorce trial against his wife.

    "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to
    entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."

    "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home,
    I'm attentive to the wife."

    One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of heavy
    love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,

    'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the week ends?'"

  5. #145
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    My dishwasher broke down the other day, something to do with clinical depression........

  6. #146
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the
    man gets home from work and his wife says, "Honey, look at the walls.
    They haven't been painted as long as we have lived here. It's peeling
    and cracking; couldn't you please just paint them?"
    "Who do I look like? Michelangelo?" the man replies.
    "I guess not", says the wife.
    The next day the man gets back from work again. Again his wife starts to
    complain. "Oh sugar, couldn't you just please at least repair the
    stairs? They're falling apart and they're really unsafe to walk up."
    The man says, "Who do I look like? Frank Lloyd Wright?"
    "Well, maybe not," says the wife.
    The next week the man returns from his job. He walks into his house and
    is suddenly amazed. The stairs are fixed, the walls were painted and the
    house looked superb. "Honey.....How did you do this? It looks great!" he
    says. "Well I met up with a handyman down the street. He offered to
    repair our house if I either bake him a batch of brownies or sleep with
    him" says the wife.
    "Well, honey, you baked the batch of brownies, right?"
    The wife replies, "Who do I look like, Sara Lee?"

  7. #147
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    Quote Originally Posted by Kryten View Post
    My wife raves about her new sex toy. I have to admit they look very realistic nowadays.

    I came home early the other night and saw it sitting on the end of the bed putting its trousers on with a fag in its mouth.

  8. #148
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    He and his wife were browsing in a crafts store when he noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, he picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument he took to be a mouth harp. He put it to his lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

    After watching from a distance, his wife came up and whispered in his ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."

  9. #149
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Whatever could have happened?" he thought, "Who died?"

    "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

    "Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

    "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. I'll get you a new cat in the morning."

  10. #150
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    My girlfriend thinks I masturbate too much for my own good these days.

    Sure I do it a lot....but I don't think it's got out of hand at all....

  11. #151
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married?"


    He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."

  12. #152
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.

    Wife: When must I give them to him?

    Doctor: They are for you

  13. #153
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house
    for an early afternoon "quickie."
    "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip,

    there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into
    her purse and suddenly
    gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

    "No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a
    few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

    "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she
    didn't trust me!"

  14. #154
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    Quote Originally Posted by Kryten View Post
    Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.

    Wife: When must I give them to him?

    Doctor: They are for you

  15. #155
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    I always hold hands with my wife whenever we go out.

    Because if I let go, she'd start shopping.

  16. #156
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    I've been with my girlfriend for a few years now.
    All this time without having sex with anybody else.

    As for me, I've been shagging her sister.

  17. #157
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    My wife turned to me in bed last night.

    "Are you awake?" she whispered. "I can't sleep."

    "Me neither," I whispered back.

    "Well seeing as you can't sleep," she giggled, rubbing my thigh. "Is there something I can do for you?"

    "Yes please," I replied. "Shut the fuck up!"

  18. #158
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    I just beat the system......


    I call my wife system

  19. #159
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    Took this bird out tonight and she ordered the most expensive items on the menu.

    I thought you money grabbing bitch, I said "Does your mother feed you like that at home?" she replied "No, but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight!"

    I said "Good point, enjoy your meal..

  20. #160
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    Default Re: Men and Women

    I bought a 'Lord of the Rings' themed kitchen.

    My wife loves the Hob bit.

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