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Thread: random Jokes

  1. #5021
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: random Jokes


  2. #5022
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
    'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station':

    'BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.'
    'BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.'
    'BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.'
    'From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.'
    'When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed.'
    ' And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.'
    The next night he came home from work and yelled,
    BELL 1!'.
    The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
    When he yelled
    BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
    When he yelled,
    'BELL 3!', they began making love.

    After a few minutes the wife yelled
    'BELL 4!'

    'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband.
    'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE!' she replied,
    'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE'.

  3. #5023
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: random Jokes


  4. #5024
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    A guy comes home from work, his wife is waiting with his tea on the table, she says; 'would you mind looking at the cabinet door, it seems loose' 'what do i look like a fucking joiner?' next day he comes home to a lovely clean house again his tea is on the table, wife says; 'after your tea would you mind having a look at the tap, its leaking?' 'what do i look like a fucking plumber?' next day he comes home, all the washing and ironing done and she asks; 'would you mind looking at the socket, it is hanging off the wall!?' 'what do I look like a fucking electrician?' well the next day the hardworking gentleman returns home after some hard graft and all the jobs his loving wife asked him to do where sorted, he asked; 'what happened?' 'well the new neighbour came round and said he would do the work if I baked him a cake or gave him a blowjob' 'which did you do?' 'do i look like a fucking baker?'

  5. #5025
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
    He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
    The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
    The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
    The guy says "No, what?"
    He just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!"
    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little b*****d.
    Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
    He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

    Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
    He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
    While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
    He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
    "No, what?" replies the guy.
    "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "
    Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
    "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball,
    HE MEASURES EVERY THING FIRST.
















  6. #5026
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    Heard something brilliant as I was walking down the street earlier, some lad about my age in his mid 20's had someone from TV licensing at his door so I pretended to look in my bag for my sons juice bottle so I could have a cheeky listen 😏
    Glad I did.

    "Do you watch live TV sir?"
    "Nah mate, TV's shite, don't even own one. Prefer my music me"
    "May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system?"
    "I don't have to let you in do I?"
    "No sir, but if you're not letting me in when you say you don't own a TV, that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore require a licence"
    "To be fair mate, the lass at number 23 won't let me in her knickers, that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a cock..."
    With that, the door was closed.

  7. #5027
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    lol ...

  8. #5028
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    “What were you doing the night he died?”
    Fetch suddenly lost his composure, and looked shiftily round at both officers.
    “I’d, err, rather not say, Sir” He fiddled nervously with a fiddle he’d picked off the floor.
    As the lilting strains of The Magic Flute filled the room, Harris saw his chance.
    “Mr Fetch, we need to know exactly where you were”
    “I was in the upstairs lavatory,” He squirmed
    “There’s nothing embarrassing about that Mr Fetch, we all have to go y’kna”
    “You don’t understand, Sergeant Harris, It was very odd. I needed to do number two’s, and I did, successfully…”
    “Successfully?”
    “I keep a log, a record of my stools, just a hobby, you know”
    Harris felt an urge to retch, “So what was so odd about this particular occasion?”
    “I always check the pan afterwards, for size, number, consistency, you know”
    “Aye ok… and?”
    “And there was nothing there, the pan was empty… so, at the time of the murder I had my hand round the U bend searching for my missing turds”
    “Let me get this straight Mr Fetch, are you saying you can’t account for your movements on the night in question?”

  9. #5029
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    Default Re: random Jokes


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