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Thread: random Jokes

  1. #5121
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the others are numbered one to three.
    He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."
    The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
    Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.
    After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing."
    Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
    A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government fo everything."
    It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job
    is, once again, saved.

    A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new
    envelopes."


  2. #5122
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    There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting.
    He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that son of a b**** can drive", then spit, "Damn, that son of a b**** can drive", then spit, "Damn that son of a b**** can drive"... then spit.
    A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that son of a b**** can drive, then you spit."
    "Well," says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So, I say sure, why not? He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains.
    After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy.
    We're going faster and faster, and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!

    We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler truck right on our butts, and an overturned motor home right in front of us.
    Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turned to him and said, "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn bj you've ever had!"

    He paused ... then spat. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A B**** CAN **DRIVE

  3. #5123
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    A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
    She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property.”
    “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
    “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
    He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
    “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
    “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
    “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is ‘yes’.”
    “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
    “Yes,” she responded, “most days he gets up earlier than I do.
    ”Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
    “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I never wanted a divorce. It’s the husband. He says he can’t communicate with me.”

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    Default Re: random Jokes


  5. #5125
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    A young farmhand is driving around the farm and making repairs to the fences.
    After a few minutes, he makes a call to his boss on the two-way radio and says, “Boss, I’ve got a problem.
    I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the bull-bars of the truck.

    He’s still wriggling. What should I do?”
    “In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun.
    Shoot the pig in the head and when he stops wriggling, you’ll be able to pull it out and throw it in a bush off the side of the road.”

    The farm worker says okay and signs off.
    About 10 minutes later he radios back.
    “Boss I did what you said. I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.”

    “So what’s the problem now?” his Boss snapped.
    “Well, the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!

  6. #5126
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    Murphy's other 15 laws:
    1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
    3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
    4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
    5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
    7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
    8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
    9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
    10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
    11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
    12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
    13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
    14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
    15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.



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  8. #5128
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    My wife said, "You're home from work early."
    I said, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is I've been promoted."
    "That's brilliant," she beamed. "What's the bad news?"
    "I was dancing around celebrating my promotion when Dave sacked me on the spot."
    "What the hell for?" she asked.
    "Playing Football Manager at work."

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  10. #5130
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    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, playing golf.
    Always something more important to me.
    Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
    I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush.
    I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
    Moral to this story:
    Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the frickin’ husband!..

  11. #5131
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    Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend --Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.




    Or in other words -- B.I.G.T.I.T. S.

  12. #5132
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  13. #5133
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    There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.
    On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
    Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
    The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
    They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late.
    You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?
    George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
    Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
    ''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''
    George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

  14. #5134
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    A man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.


    A policeman informs his family by saying...


    "There's no easy way to say this... "



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  16. #5136
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    Women are like cheese. They come in different shapes, colours, and with various sized holes. Mature one's have blue veins running through them. And they always go down easier with wine.

  17. #5137
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  18. #5138
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  19. #5139
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    George had taken his wife to the theater, but half way through the fist act he was busting for a leak.
    Then at interval he had a difficult time pushing through the crowd trying to find the Gents down one passage and around the next until he was somewhere backstage.
    He was desperate, and when he discovered a fountain, surrounded by foliage, the effect of the tinkling water was the last straw. Nobody was about so he took out his willy and pissed into the fountain. It was a great relief.
    He took some time finding his way back to his seat and when he sat next to his wife again he whispered, "Have I missed much of this second act?"
    "Missed it?" she said. "You were the star."

  20. #5140
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    My mate went to get a tattoo of an indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For fuck sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

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