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Thread: random Jokes

  1. #5161
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    I was having a stroll through the cemetery yesterday when I came across some council workers digging up a grave.
    Being the nosy bastard I am, I went over and said, "What's going on?"
    The guy in the hole said, "We're exhuming this body."
    "Oh, is it part of some ongoing murder investigation?" I asked.
    "No," he replied, "the Tory government have deemed him fit for work!"

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    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: random Jokes


  3. #5163
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago.
    He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser.
    He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen.
    He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
    She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left buttock.
    "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

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    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says:
    "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
    "Sir," replied the doctor:
    "You're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
    "You're darn right it is!" replied the old man.
    "That's why I want it lowered!"

  5. #5165
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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  6. #5166
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    My Mum always used to say to me, "Always go for ugly women, that way you know they'll always be faithful." Clearly she's never fucking watched the Jeremy Kyle show.

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    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Dave comes home from work early one day.
    He walks in to the kitchen and sees his wife on her knees, scrubbing the floor. He watches the rhythmic movements of her bum stuck high in the air for a few seconds, before he can't take it any more.
    Without a word, he lifts up her skirt, slides in and gives her the pounding of her life until they both orgasm loudly. Then he zips himself up, gets to his feet and kicks her up the arse as hard as he can.
    "What the fuck was that for?!" she screams at him.
    "That was for not turning round to see who it was." he replies

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    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her v*g*na lips are much too large.
    She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
    She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
    Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
    "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
    "Who is the third rose from?" she asked.
    "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

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    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    A woman and her boyfriend are in a bar having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
    After a while he gives in and let's her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar: a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
    The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains, "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth and finally you drink the lime juice."
    So the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue - salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is okay. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it...
    At one second the sharp lime taste hits, at two seconds the Baileys curdles, at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
    When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend. She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called 'BJ Revenge'."

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    Default Re: random Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by brilor View Post
    Dave comes home from work early one day.
    He walks in to the kitchen and sees his wife on her knees, scrubbing the floor. He watches the rhythmic movements of her bum stuck high in the air for a few seconds, before he can't take it any more.


    Without a word, he lifts up her skirt, slides in and gives her the pounding of her life until they both orgasm loudly. Then he zips himself up, gets to his feet and kicks her up the arse as hard as he can.
    "What the fuck was that for?!" she screams at him.
    "That was for not turning round to see who it was." he replies
    she already knew lol

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