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Thread: random Jokes

  1. #5281
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    lol ...

  2. #5282
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?
    When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
    "Dancing," she replied.
    The first school disco I went to, I got fucking expelled!!.

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    Although he always ordered just ham and eggs every day, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering.
    One day his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.
    After waiting a few minutes she asked, "Did you notice, sir, that I scratched something that you like?"
    Without looking up from the menu, he replied, "So go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."

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    Default Re: random Jokes


  5. #5285
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    Three couples go camping and one couple forgets their tent.
    So they decide the men will sleep in one tent, and the women will sleep in the other.
    In the middle of the night, John says, "Bob, look at this fucking hard-on I’ve got.
    It must be all the fresh air. I’m going over to see my wife."
    Bob says, "You want me to come with you?"
    John says, "Why the fuck would I want you to come with me?"
    Bob says, "Because that’s my dick that you're
    holding.

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  7. #5287
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    A very wealthy entrepreneur named John retired to the countryside. On one of his long walks, he passed a Mental Institution, and behind the chain link fence, he saw the patients fighting ferociously with each other.
    Hailing a man standing close to the fence, John asked what was going on. The man replied, "This happens every day; there's nothing else to do." So John went to see the director and offered to install a swimming pool at his expense.
    The director was very happy with the offer and accepted immediately. Ten days later, John received a phone call from the director, requesting his presence the following day for the grand opening. Pleased, John accepted. He than decided to take a stroll out to the Institution to see how well the pool had been built.
    As he approached the fence, he heard laughing and exited voices. A few yards later, he had a full view of a beautiful pool, complete with high tower diving boards, for which the patients were lining up to do cannonballs and swan dives. Calling the same man at the fence, John said, "You guys like this, huh? I see no more fighting, isn't this fun?"
    The man replied, "Sure is, Mister, but tomorrow it'll be even more fun when they put the water in it."

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    When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk.
    "Please be sure to fasten his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."
    "Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the undertaker, "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off."
    Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place.
    At the end of the day a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.
    "Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "After all... what's a few nails?"

  9. #5289
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    The good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want.
    As long as you are the one with the vagina.

  10. #5290
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    One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.
    Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.
    The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier's life jacket came up without him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him.
    After several fruitless dives they finally found the body lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.
    All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.
    Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"
    Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"
    "Well yeah. We both saw him. Why?"
    "Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."

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    When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.
    "Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear.
    I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."

    The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."
    The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"

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    A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
    "How are we faring?" asks the king.
    "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the West."
    "What?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the West."
    "Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

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    Two girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby and what did it cost?"
    "My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"
    "Oh that's great! She's so pretty."
    "Well, thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little doll."
    "Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."
    "Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."
    Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the "Oh's" and "Ah's" started, and then ending with the same question, "Where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?"
    "Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about $5,000."
    The two little girls were stunned.
    The group broke up, the real mommy walked on.
    Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got SCREWED!"

  14. #5294
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    Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
    They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
    Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.
    "Here's that 20 I owe you," he says.

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    Jill was really peeved! She was arguing with the druggist because her favorite cure-all could not be bought without a prescription.
    "Look, lady. You can't have this without a prescription because it's a habit-forming drug."
    "IT IS NOT!" yelled Jill.
    "I ought to know...I've been taking it regularly for seventeen years!"

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    Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
    Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
    As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"
    To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

  17. #5297
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    lol ...

  18. #5298
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    Fred walked up to the counter in the chemist and just his luck there was a girl serving.
    “Erm… Morning,” he said, “I need some erm… God, this is embarrassing…”
    “Don’t you worry sir,” she leaned in and whispered reassuringly, “I get this every day!”
    Fred smiled back.
    “Condoms?” she said.
    “No,” he said.
    “Suppositories?” she said.
    No, he said.
    Tampons?
    No.
    Well, it can’t be that embarrassing then, sir, she said with a smile.
    Paracetamol, he said.
    Paracetamol? she gave me a puzzled look. $1.99 please. What’s so embarrassing?
    Then he pulled out his little pink purse.

  19. #5299
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    Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
    Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
    The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

    Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
    Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

    Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
    Pharmacist: "All kinds."

    Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
    Pharmacist: "Definitely."

    Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
    Pharmacist: "Of course."

    Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
    Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

    Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
    Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

    Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
    Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

    Jacob: "Good. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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    Default Re: random Jokes

    In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
    The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
    Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
    She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar."

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