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Thread: random Jokes

  1. #5321
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
    Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
    It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
    Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
    Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
    New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
    Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.
    Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
    This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

  2. #5322
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    A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large.
    She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
    She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
    Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
    "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
    "Who is the third rose from?" she asked.
    "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

  3. #5323
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  4. #5324
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    lmao ...

  5. #5325
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    A lorry driver goes on a date with a girl, afterwards they go back to her parents place, and just beginning to have sex on the couch when he feels the cold steel of a gun barrel on his neck.. Before he could turn around her father said "if ur a real lorry driver u'll be able to back out of there with a full load

  6. #5326
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    A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
    Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing.
    Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
    "I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."
    The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.
    The next night it was the same, and the night after that.
    Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.
    Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor.
    He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"
    "Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"
    "It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."
    "Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."
    "Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"










  7. #5327
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    A candidate during a job interview had disappointed his interviewer, who angrily asked the candidate,
    "how many senses does a man have?"
    Reply was "Five, sir."
    The interviewer retorted - "Sorry kid, there is a 6th sense also and that is common sense which you do not seem to have."
    Pat came the reply - "Sir, there is 7th sense also, that is non-sense which you are talking".
    Undoubtedly, he got the job.

  8. #5328
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    A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.
    "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
    The cannibals promised they would not.
    Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
    The cannibals all shook their heads no.
    After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
    A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"

  9. #5329
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    A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
    After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
    Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
    "Hmmm...." thought the ducks former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

  10. #5330
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    Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked arse out of the window.
    Bloody toot and car moon!

  11. #5331
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  12. #5332
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared.
    He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search
    for his wife with no success.

    Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home
    to find her in the kitchen.

    He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn’t been home for so long.
    She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and we had wild sex for a week."
    The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"
    "I am only here to get something to eat."

  13. #5333
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