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Thread: random Jokes

  1. #5441
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
    The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
    My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
    My husband and my vet don't like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.
    Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
    A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!"
    And he closed the door.

  2. #5442
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  3. #5443
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    There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose.
    The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year.
    The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year.
    The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke.
    Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say, to heck with him, he's in there for a year.
    A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex.
    The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk.
    The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, "I forgot my lighter!"

  4. #5444
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    A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, but what seems to be the problem?"
    The wife replies, "It's my husband - he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"
    "How does he drive you crazy?"
    "For 20 years," she says, "He's been doing these stupid things. Firstly, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
    The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"
    "And he keeps on picking his nose all the time!! Even in public!!"
    "Hmm... anything else?"
    "And..", the wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
    "Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
    So the wife goes out of the room and the husband comes in.
    The counselor says, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
    The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What can be the problem?!?"
    The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. Firstly, you're always acting strange in public - looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
    The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death-bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said then!"
    "What did he say?"
    "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
    The counselor looks amused, "Err.. actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
    The husband looks sheepish, "Oh..okay."
    The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
    "Aha! Another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean!"
    The counselor looks faint, "Err.. that means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
    "Oh..", says the husband looking very stupid.
    "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your love-making."
    "This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his death-bed and it's the most important thing."
    "What did he say?"
    The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said.. Don't screw up."

  5. #5445
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    "First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks to loosen you up."
    "Oh no you're not," said the girl.
    "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
    "Oh no you're not."
    "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
    "Oh no you're not."
    "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
    "Oh no you're not."
    "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
    "Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

  6. #5446
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  7. #5447
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    The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the
    things around the house that he used to do.

    When the examination was complete, he said:
    "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English
    what is wrong with me."

    "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just a
    lazy old fart."

    "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the Latin term so I can
    tell my wife."


  8. #5448
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    This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he
    was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired
    as to the grounds for the suit.

    "I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband.
    "Can you believe my wife told
    me I'm a lousy lover?"

    "That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer.
    "Of course not. I'm suing because she knows
    the difference."


  9. #5449
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    What do a near sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

    A wet nose!

  10. #5450
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    Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated.
    When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "My God! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
    The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked!
    How can they display such a thing! My gosh the 'thing' on it was so large!"
    Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...and cold, too!"

  11. #5451
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  12. #5452
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    lol ...

  13. #5453
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    That's wrong!'' cried Wolf. ``Have you forgot
    To tell me what BIG TEETH I've got?
    Ah well, no matter what you say,
    I'm going to eat you anyway.''
    The small girl smiles. One eyelid flickers.
    She whips a pistol from her knickers.
    She aims it at the creature's head
    And bang bang bang, she shoots him dead.
    A few weeks later, in the wood,
    I came across Miss Riding Hood.
    But what a change! No cloak of red,
    No silly hood upon her head.
    She said, ``Hello, and do please note
    My lovely furry wolfskin coat.''

  14. #5454
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  15. #5455
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    How do you milk sheep?
    Bring out a new iPhone and charge 1000 for it.

  16. #5456
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  17. #5457
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    Why did Katie Price call her kid Bunny?
    Because she's that thick she thought her Rampant Rabbit was the father.

  18. #5458
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    A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "you know, a cow died so you could have that burger."
    Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded,"maybe he died because you keep eating all it's fucking food!"

  19. #5459
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    I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
    "Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with".
    "That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"

  20. #5460
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    lol ...

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