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Thread: random Jokes

  1. #5521
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    over to you, sexy brilor! lol


  2. #5522
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    A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
    The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
    The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
    She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
    The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

  3. #5523
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    Quote Originally Posted by konifur View Post
    I bet someone can finish this joke for me.........Monarch airlines went bust recently .Most people where ATOL protected. But some lost their money, because they where not protected .................................


    Because Mackemland bank shafted them!

  4. #5524
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    An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.
    He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"
    "Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."
    Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92...

  5. #5525
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    An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
    'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I
    ...
    am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up
    and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'

    'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more
    to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

    'Who said my Dad died?'
    The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive?
    How old is he?'

    He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed
    wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
    and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

    'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it
    than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

    'Who said my Grandad is dead?'
    Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your
    grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

    'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.
    The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
    'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

    'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'
    At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!!
    Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'????????????????'
    Who said he wanted to?'


  6. #5526
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    Default Re: random Jokes


  7. #5527
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    Default Re: random Jokes


  8. #5528
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    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
    His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he wasfeeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
    Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
    While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
    The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
    He whirled around and screamed
    'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'


  9. #5529
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    A doctor wrote on his new clinic: Any treatment is 10,000 Dollars and if we cannot treat you, we will pay you 20,000 Dollars.
    Wanting the 20,000 Dollars for himself, A guy came to the doc and said: I canít feel any taste.
    The doc asked a nurse to give guy a few drops of medicine from box 22.
    Upon taking the drops, guy shouted; Oh stop! It is urine!
    The doctor said; Congratulations , your sense of taste is back now.
    Guy was very angry that he lost 10,000 Dollars.
    He came back 2 weeks later determined to get 20,000 Dollars.
    The following conversation took place between guy and the doctor.

    GUY: I lost my memory.
    Doctor: Nurse! Please give this man some drops of medicine from box 22.
    Guy: Wait doctor! But that medicine is for sense of taste.
    Doctor: Congratulations ,your memory is back.

  10. #5530
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    At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died
    and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
    A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
    The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
    They gave him a glass to drink.
    He tried it and said,
    "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope,
    matured in steel containers".
    Low grade but acceptable.
    "That's correct", said the boss.
    Another glass....
    "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope,
    oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.
    Requires three more years for finest results.."
    "Correct."
    A third glass...
    ''It's a pinot blanc champagne,
    high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
    The director was astonished
    .He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
    She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
    The alcoholic tried it.
    "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant
    and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

  11. #5531
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    A retiring farmer needed to rid his farm of animals in preparation for selling his land, so he went to every house in his town.
    To the houses where the husband was the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the wife was the boss, he gave a chicken.
    When the farmer arrived at the end of the street, he met a couple who were outside gardening.
    "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
    "I am," replied the man.
    "Well, then, I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said. "Which one would you like?"
    The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one..."
    "No, no, no... the brown one," interrupted the man's wife.
    The farmer shook his head and remarked to the man, "Here's your chicken, Sir."

  12. #5532
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    A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctor’s appointment.
    The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
    She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
    The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
    The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
    The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
    The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.
    The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.
    The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
    The husband replies, "He says he knows you.”

  13. #5533
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  14. #5534
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    A couple were driving at 70mph down the road, husband behind the wheel.
    The wife suddenly says "Honey, I know we've been married twenty years but I
    want a divorce."

    He says nothing but increases the speed to 80mph.
    She says "Now don't try to talk me out of it, I've been screwing your best
    friend for sometime now and he IS better at sex than you."

    He stays quiet, but speeds up to 90mph.
    She says "I want the house and the car." (He is now doing 100mph.) "I want
    the bank accounts and the credit cards too." she says.

    The husband starts to veer towards the side of the road and a large grove
    of trees.

    The wife gets nervous and asks "Isn't there ANYTHING you want?"
    "No, I've got all I need."
    "Oh really, so what exactly do you have?"
    Just before they hit the tree at 120mph he smiles and says "The f******
    air-bag!"


  15. #5535
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    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
    Although his English was not perfect, they got along very well.
    One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him to arrange a divorce for him.
    The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
    Have you any grounds?
    Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
    No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
    It made of concrete.
    I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
    No, we have carport, and not need one.
    I mean what are your relations like?
    All my relations still in Poland .
    Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
    We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
    Does your wife beat you up?
    No, I always up before her.
    Why do you want this divorce?
    She going to kill me.
    What makes you think that?
    I got proof.
    What kind of proof?
    She going to poison me.
    .She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
    I can read English pretty good, and it say: POLISH REMOVER."


  16. #5536
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    After picking her 19 year old son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school.
    The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher."
    She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room.
    When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done.
    As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face.
    He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher."
    The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for.
    On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home.
    His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

  17. #5537
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    lol ...

  18. #5538
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    A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
    He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
    He told,"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."
    The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
    He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
    Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
    He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
    Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

    "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
    "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!

  19. #5539
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  20. #5540
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