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Thread: random Jokes

  1. #5621
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    An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp.
    He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”
    The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?”
    “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.”
    “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”
    “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”
    “Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.”
    The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

  2. #5622
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
    The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
    'Yeah right!" she says.
    A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
    Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
    The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
    The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
    He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place.

  3. #5623
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
    The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
    The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
    The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
    The second man replied, "I turned out the light.”

  4. #5624
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    lol ...

  5. #5625
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by konifur View Post
    Sure fucks up the nursery rhyme that.
    just doesn't work, does it? lol

  6. #5626
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
    He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
    So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimming as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side, jumps out.
    The billionaire goes.. "Holy shiiiiit, I didn’t think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?" and the guy says, "No."
    So the billionaire says, "Oh, you want my house?" And the guys says, "No" and so the billionaire says," What, you want my wife, then?"
    But the guy says, "Hell no."
    So the billionaire says, "Well what the f*** do you want?"
    The guy's still trying to catch his breath says, " I want the son of a bitch who pushed me in the pool!”

  7. #5627
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    Default Re: random Jokes


  8. #5628
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    A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.
    She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
    She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
    "Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used. EVER...!

    The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".
    The girl panicked.

    She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
    "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

    She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes !" she said "He's got a big one hanging there"..!
    The boss said "Go back in and give him 3-50 ......................
    He's the Window cleaner..!”


  9. #5629
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    A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.
    When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
    The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...
    I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"

    The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another er-ec-ti-on"
    The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours"

  10. #5630
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    I started my new job today.
    My boss handed me a fiverand said, "First things first, I need you to go down to the shopsand buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladderand a bubble for a spirit level."
    I laughedand said, "Do you really think I'm that fucking stupid?"
    "What do you mean?" He sniggered.
    I said, "That lot is going to cost more than a fucking fiver."

  11. #5631
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    lmao ...

  12. #5632
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    Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester, when one of the kids is suddenly attacked by a huge rottweiler, luckily the other kid finds a plank of wood and shoves it in the dogs collar and twists it and breaks the dogs neck!
    A man also in the park witnesses this and says to the kid, "That was amazing! I'm a journalist for the Manchester Evening news, I would like to write an article about what just happened."
    He starts writing a headline, "United fan saves friend from dog", the kid says, "I'm not a United fan."
    He starts again, "City fan saves friend from dog." The Kid says, "I'm not a City fan."
    The journalist asks, "Who do you support then?" The kid answers, "Liverpool."
    The journalists starts again, "Scouse bastard murders family pet in cold blood!"

  13. #5633
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    A mentally challenged man walks up to this guy and asks:
    "Can you help me? I'm trying to spell the word 'orange.'"

    The guy responds, "What a retard, didn't your mom teach you?"
    The man answers, "No."
    "Ever?" says the guy.
    "No," responds the mentally challenged man.
    The guy responds, "Okay, which one are you trying to spell, the color or the fruit?"

  14. #5634
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    My wife came in starving today so I made her a great big cheese and ham salad sandwich.
    "Don't eat it just yet, just hold the plate" I said.

    Five minutes later I took it off her and threw it in the bin.
    "What the f***?!" she snarled.
    "Remember this feeling," I said.
    "Next time you come to bed all sexy, in a nightie, smelling gorgeous and ask me just to f*****' hold you.

  15. #5635
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    Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'professionals' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
    The first dwarf, however, is unable to 'rise up to the occasion.
    His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.
    In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
    The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing.
    I just couldn't perform."

    The second dwarf shook his head.
    "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked.
    "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"


  16. #5636
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    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
    His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
    The next morning he got up early and left for work.
    When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
    Bob has been missing since Friday.

  17. #5637
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    The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
    "What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
    "What happened!!
    I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ?
    Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
    "Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
    Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
    "I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your email”


  18. #5638
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  19. #5639
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    lmao ...

  20. #5640
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy Ambassador at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
    The Ambassador was so enthralled by her beauty that he asked her to marry him.
    The secretary knew she couldn’t insult a foreign dignitary, so she decided to let him down easy.“I’ll only marry you under three conditions.”
    “Anything, anything,” said the Ambassador.
    “First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72-karat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.”
    The Ambassador picked up his cell phone, called his personal accountant, and said, “Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!”
    “Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons, along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.”
    The Ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal brokers in New York and France, and said, “Yes, yes, I build, I build!”
    The secretary knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
    “Finally,” she said. “I’ll only marry you if you have a 12-inches in your pants.”
    A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands.
    After weeping, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, “Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!”


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