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Thread: random Jokes

  1. #5661
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Once there was a farmer with three sons. He gave a duck to his eldest son and told him to see how much money he could get for it at the market. The eldest son came back later in the day, shouting “Dad, I got $10 for the duck!”
    The farmer said “Well done, son.”
    The next day, the farmer sent the middle son to the market with a duck and he came back with $20. “Well done, son,” said the farmer.
    He then sent the youngest son to the market to see how much he could get for the duck. On the way to the market, the son met a 'professional' woman.
    “I’ll have sex with you if you give me that duck,” said the professional. After they did it, she said, “That was so good, I’ll give you the duck back if we have sex again.” He did, and then he went on to the market.
    On the way, the duck flew out of his arms and was run over by a truck. The truck driver jumped out of the cab and said “Oh no, I’m so sorry! Here’s $50 to pay for it.”
    The youngest son went back to the farm and his father how well he made out at the market, “Well dad, I got a f*** for a duck, a duck for a f***, and $50 bucks for a f****d up duck.”

  2. #5662
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    The madam opened the door in Salt Lake City and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
    "May I help you sir?," she asked.
    The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
    "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
    He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
    Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
    Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
    After an hour, the man calmly left.
    The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
    Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
    "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
    Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
    After an hour, he left.
    The following night the man was there yet again.
    Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
    After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from anyway?"
    The man replied," Idaho.”
    "Really," she said. "I have family in Idaho."
    "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

  3. #5663
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    lol ...

  4. #5664
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    When I was young we were very poorand I sometimes had to wear my sister's old clothes to school. Turned up in the same dress as my teacher one day. Don't know who was more embarrassed, him or me.

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    Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
    Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
    About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
    "What happened to you?" asked Trump.
    "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
    The driver replies, "I'm Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

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    A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife as a Christmas Present.
    He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
    He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
    He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
    Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
    So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
    The husband says; 'F*** me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

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    Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
    Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
    Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
    "That's true," said Paul.
    "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
    "Yes," Paul shamefully admitted.
    "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
    "Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."

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    A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.The husband has his lesson first.
    After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!"
    "Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
    "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
    The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards. straight up the fairway.
    The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson.
    The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
    "What can I do?" asks the wife.
    "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
    The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
    "That was great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

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    Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.
    Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. 'I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.'
    A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'
    The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
    She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
    The others raised their eye brows and stared at her. The older woman finally said... 'Well, will you look at that... I'm getting a fax!!!'

  10. #5670
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