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Thread: random Jokes

  1. #21
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    Default Re: random Jokes

    A Girls First Time


    As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if youíre afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but itís the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but heís gentle like he promised heíd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-heís done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if itís too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

    Excuse me, What were you thinkiní?

    Naughty, Naughty!

  2. #22
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    Actual Label Instructions

    Note: I've seen several of these before so I edited this list marking in bold the ones I haven't seen before:

    In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

    1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

    2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

    3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

    4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

    5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. (This one I don't understand - now if it had said "not tested on INSECTS" - that would be something else)

    6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

    7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

    8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

    9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?


    10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

    11. On a bag of Frito's - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special?!?)

    12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

    13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

    14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

    15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

    16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what?...use in outer space?)

    17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

    18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

    19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

    20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

    21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

    22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. ( OK lets eat it frozen!!!)

    23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

    24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

    25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.(Kids no more driving)

    26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

  3. #23
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    Verizon - Feel free to substitute your own local phone company - after all telemarketers are pretty much the same.

    One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from Verizon and it went something like this:

    Me: (swallowing) Hello
    Verizon: Hello, this is Verizon...
    Me: Is this Verizon?
    Verizon: Yes, this is Verizon...
    Me: This is Verizon?
    Verizon: Yes This is Verizon...
    Me: Is this Verizon?
    Verizon: YES! This is Verizon, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
    Me: May I ask who is calling?
    Verizon: This is Verizon.
    Me: OK, hold on.
    At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
    Me: Hello?
    Verizon: Is this Mr. Byron?
    Me: May I ask who is calling please?
    Verizon: Yes this is Verizon...
    Me: Is this Verizon?
    Verizon: Yes this is Verizon...
    Me: This is Verizon?
    Verizon: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
    Me: Yes, is this Verizon?
    Verizon: Yes sir.
    Me: The phone company?
    Verizon: Yes sir.
    Me: I thought you said this was Verizon.
    Verizon: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
    Me: I already have a phone.
    Verizon: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
    Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
    When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.
    Verizon: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
    Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
    Verizon: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
    Me: 7 days a week?
    Verizon: That's right.
    Me: 365 days a year?
    Verizon Yes sir.
    Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
    Verizon: We think so!
    Me: That's quite a sum of money!
    Verizon: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
    Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
    Verizon: Excuse me?
    Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
    Verizon: What are you talking about?
    Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
    Verizon: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
    Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is Verizon?
    Verizon: Well, yes this is Verizon sir but......
    Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
    Verizon: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
    Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
    Verizon: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
    Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
    Verizon: What?
    Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
    Verizon: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.
    So now Verizon has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
    Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
    Me: Yeth?
    Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
    Me: Id thish Verr iii zon?
    Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
    I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
    Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
    Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
    Me: Thank you.
    I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
    Verizon: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
    Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
    Verizon: (click)

  4. #24
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    Where a driver is from.

    1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.

    2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.

    3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.

    4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.

    5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.

    6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

    7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

    8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.

    9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.

    10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.

    11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by mytime View Post
    9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
    this is correct except the littering part! lol Don't Mess With Texas was an extremely successful anti-littering campaign! lol

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  7. #27
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    An indian on the reservation walks into the trading post. The clerk says "What can I do for you chief?" Indian says "Ugh, me need toilet paper." The clerk says "Well, we have a few different kinds which would you like?" Indian asks "What you got?" "Well, we have this first brand here, it's soft, strong and absorbent. It's $2.98 for four rolls." "Ugh, too much wampum. What else you got?" "We have this other brand it's not as soft, but it's pretty absorbant, it costs $1.98 for four rolls." Ugh, too much wampum, what else you got?" "Well, we have this generic stuff, it's not a real good quality, but it's only $.98 for four rolls." Chief says "What generic mean?" Well. that means it doesn't really have a name." "Ugh, me take it. Me name toilet paper." A couple weeks later, Chief walks into the trading post. The clerk sees him and asks "So chief, did you name that toilet paper?" "Ugh, me call it John Wayne toilet paper." "Well why did you name it something like that?" "Because it rough and tough, and it don't take no shit off injun!"
    Life is simple: Just follow the rules

  8. #28
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    A boss asked one of his employees, 'Do you believe in life after death?'
    'Yes, sir,' replied the new employee.
    'I thought you would,' said the boss. 'Yesterday after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see you.'

  9. #29
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    A man walks up to three men sitting in a bar and says that he will bet them 100$ that he can place a Shot glass on their table and pee in it from across the room.
    The gentlemen talk to each other and are all in agreement that this could not be done, so they take his bet.
    The man then walks to the other end of the room and begins to pee. He does not even come close to the glass, he pees all over the bar, the table, and the men with whom he had made the bet. After he is finished he returns to the table where the three men are sitting, they are laughing and joking about how they toke this guy's 100$. They ask the man. "Why did you think you could pee in this glass from way over there?" The man replies, "I didn't, But I made a 500$ bet with the bartender that I could piss all over you guys, and all you would do is laugh about it."

  10. #30
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    Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

    "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

    The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

    "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

    Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

    With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, " For Chrissakes!! Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a dump!"

  11. #31
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    Please share with all your friends. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!! I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
    "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
    No wonder I have been gaining weight!!! Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using washing up liquid instead. Its label reads,
    "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
    Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone . . . I'll be in the shower!

  12. #32
    Senior Member tasman's Avatar
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    I like your logic. I'll have to present that to my doctor the next time I'm there.
    Life is simple: Just follow the rules

  13. #33
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    How are women and tornadoes alike?
    They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

  14. #34
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    A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

  15. #35
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    Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

  16. #36
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    Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
    A. Goes-in-tight!

  17. #37
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    Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
    A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

  18. #38
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    Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
    A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

  19. #39
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    Q. What's the definition of trust?
    A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

  20. #40
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    Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
    A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!

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