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Thread: Marriage Jokes

  1. #41
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    Default Re: Marriage Jokes

    I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married,
    they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin

    I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples
    with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. -- Tynan

    I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.

    I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

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    Default Re: Marriage Jokes

    I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis Diller

    I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.

    If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

  3. #43
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    Default Re: Marriage Jokes

    If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov

    If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner

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    How are tornadoes and marriage alike??

    They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.?

  5. #45
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    Doug: I think my marriage is in trouble.
    Bill: Why do you say that?
    Doug: Today I overheard my wife telling a friend she prefers fishing to sex. "It's not as boring," she said.

  6. #46
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    On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

    “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”

    Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness,self-restraint,forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

  7. #47
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    The Secret of Success in Marriage

    A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

    When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

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    Before marriage:

    He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
    She: Do you want me to leave?
    He: NO! Don’t even think about it.
    She: Do you love me?
    He: Of course!
    She: Have you ever cheated on me?
    He: NO! Why you even asking?
    She: Will you kiss me?
    He: Yes!
    She: Will you hit me?
    He: No way! I’m not such kind of person!
    She: Can I trust you?
    He: Yes.
    She: Darling!

    After Marriage:

    Now read this from bottom to top.

  9. #49
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    My wife said we should renew our vows. I got excited because I thought that meant they'd run out!

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    I told my wife I feel old, fat, bald, useless, and stupid.
    She said, "Don't be silly you re not old."

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    Ex-Wives' Descriptions
    Any of you guys have an ex-wife out there that might fit these descriptions....
    * She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
    * She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
    * She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
    * She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
    * She's turned more tricks than Houdini has.
    * She's been in more motel rooms than the Bible.
    * She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
    * She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
    * She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins has.
    * She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
    * She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare has.
    * She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.
    * She's spent more time under men than bar stools.
    * She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
    * She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
    * She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
    * She's had more marines land on her bed than on Iwo Jima.
    * Hoover classifies her tongue as a vacuum cleaner.
    * Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
    * Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
    * She has an IUD with a beeper!
    * She uses industrial strength douche.
    * Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
    * Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
    * Her pantyhose have a pet door.
    * She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook her for the Holland Tunnel.

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    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

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    As US tourists in Lebanon, a man and his wife were sitting outside a souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

    After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

    “America,” the husband replied.

    Looking at her dark hair and olive skin,the Arab responded. “She’s not from the States.”

    “Yes I am.” said the wife. He looked at her and asked. “Is he your husband?” “Yes.” she replied.

    Turning to the husband, he offered, “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.” The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, “she’s not for sale.”

    After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.

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    Default Re: Marriage Jokes

    "Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the Doctor said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

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    Minervini's wife says, "Get out! Get thefuck out!"
    As he's walking out the door, she says, "I hope you die a slow, painful death."
    Minervini turns and says, "So now you want me to stay?"

  16. #56
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    While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband's help."The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is 'tiresome sameness.'

    "Monogamy," he answered.

  17. #57
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    The judge turns to the woman and says: "I see you're divorcing your husband one the grounds he's an uncouth slob. Can you give me an example of this?" "Yes, your honor", replies the wife. "Whenever we go out, he always drinks tea with his pinkie sticking out" "There's nothing wrong with that madam, In fact, it's considered good manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out," says the judge. "But your honor" replies the woman " i wasn't talking about his finger."

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    A man and his wife were watching a boxing match, in which a boxer was knocked out in the first round.

    The man says, "very boring, it was all over in one minute!"

    His wife looked at him, and said, "now you know how I feel!"

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    A couple is throwing a dinner party, and the husband [who is very thin and bony] is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.

    His wife comes out of the kitchen and says, "Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on."

    "Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your husband..."

    "Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there's nothing that I should feed you for."

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    Default Re: Marriage Jokes

    A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
    She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
    At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
    "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
    "Thank God for that ... I thought you were sitting on the cat.

    He never heard the gunshot.

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