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Thread: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

  1. #501
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    There was a German, an Italian and a Paddy on death row.
    The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
    1. to be shot
    2. to be hung
    3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

    So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly).
    Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
    Then the Paddy said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
    They gave him the shot, and the Paddy fell down laughing.
    The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Paddy said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did.
    Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
    The Paddy replied, "You guys are so stupid.....I'm wearing a condom!"

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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  4. #504
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill.
    The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back.
    When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her what had happened.
    She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!"

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  6. #506
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Paddy & Mick decided to get their good mate, Murphy a "special" birthday present for his 65th birthday
    As Murphy opened his front door, there stood a drop-dead-gorgeous and very sexy 5'-10" blue-eyed blonde.
    "Uh, may I help you?" Murphy drooled.
    "Why no, Murphy. I'm here as a gift from your old mates. And every night, all this week, I'm gonna give you SUPER SEX."
    Murphy looked thoughtful for a moment and finally sighed at his inability to measure up to the situation... "I guess I'll take the soup."

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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Two Irish blokes are out hunting in the woods when Paddy says,"I'm dying for a shit,but I haven't got anything to wipe my arse with." Mick says,"Have you got a fiver Paddy?" "Yes," says Paddy."Well use that," replies Mick.So Paddy goes off for 5 minutes and comes back with shit all over his hands and clothes.Mick says,"What the fuck happened to you?" Paddy looks at him and replies,"Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with four pound coins and two 50 pence pieces?"

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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  10. #510
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  11. #511
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    lol ...

  12. #512
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    After overtaking Paddy the taximan, who was speeding, the policeman asked him.
    "You were doing ninety five miles an hour. What the hell do you think you're doing?"
    Paddy answered, "Well, you see officer, my brakes failed about 3 miles back and I was rushing home before I caused an accident.”

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  14. #514
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Dear Son,
    Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know that you can't read very fast.
    You won't know the house when you come home. We've moved.
    About your father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle.
    I went to the doctors on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
    Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky at the brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took 3 days to put the fire out.
    It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days and then for 4 days.
    We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in 7 days, up she comes.

    Your loving Mother,
    P.S. I was going to send you 5 pounds, but I have already sealed the envelope !!

  15. #515
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    lol ...

  16. #516
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Paddy: "Your new secretary is very sexy..."
    Seamus: "Thanks! She's actually a robot, named Doreen ... If you squeeze
    her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she
    types letters. Will work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days,
    no medical, no dental......

    I'll lend her to you for a day & you can see how functional and efficient
    she is".

    Next day, Paddy called Seamus from the hospital & shouted: "Seamus… You
    bastard! You didn't tell me that the hole between Doreen's legs is a Pencil
    Sharpener..."


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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  18. #518
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    An Irish business man staying atthe Ritz hotel in London takes a card, offering sex etc. from a phone box. Back atthe hotel he ringsthenumber.
    A lady with a silky soft voice asks if she can be of any help.
    The man says "I'd like a blow job, a straight shag, then doggie style, mild bondage, a few minutes of anal and finish with a tit wank. Is that ok?"
    The lady replies, "Sounds fun sir, but you might like to dial 9for an outside line first"

  19. #519
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    lol ...

  20. #520
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


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