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Thread: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

  1. #21
    Jokeroo VIP Status Kryten's Avatar
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
    The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
    Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”
    The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
    Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss. "Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I’ve quit drinking!”

  2. #22
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Even though O'Malley was a licensed scuba diver, he finally got an answer to a question that had annoyed him for decades.
    Here it is.
    Harold, an American tourist, asked his friend Murphy, 'Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?'
    To which Murphy replies, 'If they fell forwards they'd still be in the flippin' boat.'

  3. #23
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    O'Connor was sitting in Ward's Irish bar, Piccadilly, London with a large Rottweiler at his feet.
    'Does your dog bite?' asks Murphy.
    'No,' replies O'Connor.
    So Murphy pats the dog who almost rips his arm off completely.
    'Hey!' screams Murphy, 'you said your dog didn't bite, O'Connor.'
    'That's not my dog Murphy,' concludes O'Connor.

  4. #24
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Michael O'Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Paddy Maguire, when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

    O'Leary opined, 'I'm gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.'
    'What's that, Michael?' responds his mate.
    'Send me lawn away to be cut,' concludes O'Leary.

  5. #25
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    A Waterford wife, Pauline, was keeping a close eye on her new neighbours.
    'They seem perfectly devoted to each other,' she opined to husband, Ryan. 'He kisses her every time he goes out and even blows kisses to her from the window. Why don't you do that?'
    'But, I hardly know the woman,' was Ryan's reply.

  6. #26
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    First Irish Farmer:
    My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.
    Second Irish Farmer:
    Did you shoot it in the hole?
    First Irish Farmer: No, in the head.

  7. #27
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes.

  8. #28
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Funniest Irish One-liners

    • I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
    • 'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
    • 'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
    • 'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
    • 'I'd like some nails', Mick requested of the ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
    • 'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'

  9. #29
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.
    I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.
    However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:
    'What happened to you?' asked Callaghan.
    'I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window,' mumbled O'Reilly.'
    'Begorrah,' exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, 'It's a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'

  10. #30
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    When my older brother, Shay, was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.
    On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, 'What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?' Mum whispered something in Shay's ear.
    Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, 'Be quiet until you get back to your seat.'

  11. #31
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Dermot and Patrick are standing at the base of a flagpole looking up. Rita walks by and asks them what they are doing.
    Patrick answers, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
    Rita takes out an adjustable spanner from her handbag, loosens a few bolts and lays the flagpole down. She finds a tape measure in her pocket, takes a few measurements, and announces that its length is 18 feet 6 inches.
    Then, Rita walks off.

    Dermot says to Patrick, 'Isn't that just typical. We ask for the height and she gives us the length.'

  12. #32
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    WHY GREEN BEER?
    By Thorn Shunt



    So what is so all darned special
    About this Ol' St. Pat?
    A fine old priest
    went to root out the beast
    And made all the Irish folk chat!

    Yes, he went up against the great druids
    For they spoke the God words back then.
    But Pat showed the king
    They knew not a thing
    Of One God, of hell or heaven.

    So he picked up a clover to show them,
    How three God's could all be one.
    But how did this make
    Everyone go and take
    St. Pat's Day as one of fun?

    Tho the leprechauns now all wear green,
    And songs to St. Pat you can hear...
    It's not the shamrocks,
    Or wearing green socks...
    'tis cuz Pat invented green beer!


  13. #33
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Here are some Q & A, some have been posted before:

    Q: Why don't you iron 4-Leaf clovers?
    A: Because you don’t want to press your luck.

    Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
    A: Paddy O'furniture!

    Q: How is a best friend like a 4-leaf clover?
    A: Because they are hard to find and lucky to have.

    Q: What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
    A: BOOs

    Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?
    A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

    Q: How do you blind an Irish woman?
    A: You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.

    Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
    A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

    Q: What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
    A: A sham rock

    Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
    A: They like to "go" first class!

    Q: How does every Irish joke start?
    A: By looking over your shoulder.

    Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
    A: Four girlfriends drinking on St Patricks Day!

    Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
    A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

    Q: Why doesn't Simon Cowell drink on St Patricks Day?
    A: It interferes with his suffering!

    Q: Why did God invent Jameson whiskey?
    A: So the Irish would never rule the world.

    Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
    A: A bachelor.

    Q: What's the main difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
    A: 1 less drunk at the party

    Q: Why don't women want to get engaged on St Patricks Day?
    A: 'Cause they don't want to get a "sham rock".

    Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
    A:St. O'Claus!

    Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
    A:Sure, they're green with envy!

    Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
    A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!

    Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
    A:To keep from falling in the stew!

    Q: How do you start the St Patricks Day parade in the ghetto?
    A: Roll a 40 down the street!

    Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
    A:Sure, they're great at shorthand!

    Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
    A: a St. Patrick's Day Parade

    Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
    A:He took a shortcut!

    Q: What is Irish diplomacy?
    A: It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward to making the trip

    Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
    A:Short ribs!

    Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
    A:Because they're very short-tempered!

    Q: What do you call a Cubic Zirconia in Ireland?
    A: A sham rock

    Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
    A: Because they're always wearing green

    Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
    A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

    Q: When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
    A: When it's a FRENCH fry!

    Q: What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
    A: Some poor horse is going barefoot!


    Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
    A: A Jolly Green Giant

    Q: What do bullshitters like most about St. Patricks day?
    A: the BLARNEY stone!

    Q: Why do leprechauns giggle when they play soccer?
    A: Cause the grass tickles their balls

    Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
    A: He couldn't afford plane fare

    Q: What do the Irish dream about?
    A: Celebrating St. Patrick’s Day with his gang of leprechauns.

    Q: Have you ever heard of the 6-leaf clover?
    A: I haven't either!

    Q: Why do leprechauns hide behind 4-leafclovers and not 3-leafclovers?
    A: They need all the luck they can get!

    Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
    A: He gets wet!

    Q: What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
    A: A leper con

    source: St Patrick's Day One-Liners Jokes - St Patrick's Day Jokes

  14. #34
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    "I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
    "Oh, really?"
    "No, O'Reilly!"

  15. #35
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    St Patrick's Day Pick Up Lines


    "You look magically delicious, and I just happen to be a cereal adulterer."

    "Tip o' the Trojan to ye!"

    "If you don't sleep with me, the leprechauns have already won."

    "How’d you like to help put the Irish Spring back into me shillelagh?"

    "Well, lass, we're the only ones still standing. How about it?"

    "Lassie, it's your ancestral duty to drive the snake out of my pants!"

    "You've already had six Guinness draughts? Brilliant!"

  16. #36
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
    The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller.
    He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
    The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband.
    She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
    'It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.
    'I gave you a sham rock.'

  17. #37
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    funny

  18. #38
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Dear Doctor,

    I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

    After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

    My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

    A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

    Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

    I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

    My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

    The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

    Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

    You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

    Yours faithfully,

    Paddy



  19. #39
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

    His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
    electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under
    our bed and they weren't mine."

    His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
    plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

    Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both
    his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

    "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our
    bed."

  20. #40
    Sex for Brains KingHomie's Avatar
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    A man walks into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat. He goes up the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."
    The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks. Next, it's the ostrich's round. He walks up to the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat." Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them. When it comes to the cat's turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to "Sod off!"
    So the man goes back to the bar and asks for another two beers and a whisky.
    Impressed at his generosity, the barman says: "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why do you hang out with him?"
    The man replies: "I once helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish, which landed me with the cat and the ostrich forever."
    "What did you wish for?" enquires the barman.

    "A long-legged bird with a tight pussy"

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