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Thread: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

  1. #61
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  2. #62
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Paddy says to Murphy, "Set the alarm for five in the morning."
    Murphy replies, "Shut up you fucking idiot, there's only two of us!!

  3. #63
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Paddy says to Mick, "I found this gold pen, is it yours?" Mick replies, "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it is." Paddy asks, "How do you know?" Mick replies, "That's my handwriting ."

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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    An Irish terrorist group have given up in their attempt to emulate Islamic State by drowning prisoners in cages.
    A hooded spokesperson said despite their best efforts the water ran through the bars quicker than they could pour it in.

  5. #65
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  6. #66
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    A woman sets her fanny on fire by accident, her husband tells her to stand on the balcony for the wind to blow it out, but she slipped & fell. Paddy & Murphy were stood below. Paddy says to Murphy, is that a comet? Murphy says, don't be stupid, its a twatalite!!

  7. #67
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Paddy is fitting a kitchen in a posh house when the woman asks him if he'd like something to drink. Paddy accepts and soon after the woman brings him a mug of coffee. "Excellent coffee, to be sure," says Paddy. "Thank you," says the woman. "My husband brought it back from Brazil." "That's great," says Paddy, "and it's still warm as well!!

  8. #68
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    I was sitting in our local bar, depressed ,when Mick walked in.
    "what the fuck is up with you"he asked?
    "Haven't you heard about Paddy?He is dead"!!
    "Jesus fuck,how did it happen"?
    "He was coming to my house last night and his brakes went on the car.He crashed head first into a lamp post"!
    "Fuck me that's shocking,an awful way to die".
    "That didn't kill him.He went through the windscreen,flew through the air,right through my bedroom window,hitting our big mahogony wardrobe,which fuckin fell on his head"!
    "In the name of sweet jaysus,that's fucking terrible.Awful way to go"!
    "That didn't kill him...he crawled to the stairs and fell down them,breaking every bit of wood on the staircase,crashing clean through the glass hall table and landing head first on the marble floor"!
    "Oh fuck me,poor Paddy..terrible way to go"!
    "He was still alive...he stumbled into my kitchen,over to the stove,and pulled a scalding pot of soup over himself and he set the fucking kitchen on fire"!!!
    "Fuck me...poor Paddy"!
    "That didn't kill Paddy either for fuck sake"!
    "Well what fooking killed him",asked Mick?
    "Me with my fucking shotgun...THE CUNT WAS WRECKING ME FUCKING HOUSE"!!!!

  9. #69
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    n Irishman goes for a job on a building site as an odd-job man. The foreman asks him what he can do.
    "I can do anything," says the Irishman.
    "Can you make tea?" says the foreman.
    "Jesus, yes," replies the Irishman. "I can make a great cup of tea."
    "Can you drive a forklift?" asks the foreman.
    "Mother of God!" replies the Irishman. "How big is the teapot?"



  10. #70
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  11. #71
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  12. #72
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    A load of paddys went on a mystery coach trip. They had a sweep stake to guess where they were going.The driver won 68 quid!!.

  13. #73
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Customs officers arrested a number of Irishmen today at Tilbury Docks after discovering 2000 tins of peaches concealed in 500 kilograms of cocaine.



  14. #74
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    My mate Paddy threatened to kill himself then jumped in front of a bus.

    "It helps if the bus is moving, mate," I said.



  15. #75
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Paddy is booking into a guest house and looking around the reception when he notices a sign on the wall.
    He asks the owner, "What time do you get in by?"
    The owner looks confused and says, "Well, I'm the owner, I live here. Why do you ask?"
    Paddy says, "Well, on that sign there it says, 'Guests have to be in before you!"
    The owner replies, "No, you thick fucker! It says, 'Guests must be in before 1 am!"

  16. #76
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  17. #77
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

    "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

    "Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."

    The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

    "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."

    "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

    "Thought he was having his picture taken."



  18. #78
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    "Would you go and look at that!" said my friend Murphy as we drove down the motorway just as Police were erecting a tent at the scene of a serious road accident. "What's wrong?" I asked "What a feckin' stupid place to go camping" he replied

  19. #79
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  20. #80
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    After the recent Irish vote Paddy has gone out this morning to buy a ring for his fiancee. Apparently he will be cock o hoop when he slips it on.



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