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Thread: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

  1. #81
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    "I'm afraid, Paddy," said the doctor sympathetically. "Your wife's operation didn't go as well as expected. Best thing for you to do is pray for a miracle."

    "And do you think that will help?" stammered Paddy.

    "I've seen it many times before," replied the doctor. "Faith can move mountains."

    So Paddy walked slowly to the hospital chapel. As he entered he got down on his knees, put his hands together and whispered, "Lord, enable me to see Lily Allen's tits without the aid of a magnifying glass."



  2. #82
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Paddy started his new job, labouring.

    "First job Paddy", the gaffer said, "Make me and Dave a cup of tea, no sugar in mine and two in Daves".

    Paddy comes back 5 minutes later with the teas. The gaffers was sweet and Dave's wasn't sweet enough.

    "You fucked that right up Paddy!" the gaffer said.

    "I'm sorry about that there boss", Paddy replied, " But I couldn't remember who had none and who had two, so I put one in each".



  3. #83
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Paddy's brother, Seamus, started a new job in the Middle East and phoned Paddy after he got settled in.
    Seamus said , "De job's going well, but it's so fecking hot out here!
    Paddy asked, "How hot is it out dere, Seamus?"
    Seamus replied, "It's 45 degrees Celsius in de shade."
    Paddy was astonished. "Bejesus, that IS fecking hot! Whatever you do, Seamus, try to keep out of de shade."



  4. #84
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  5. #85
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    When I was a child I was afraid to go the dentist, ' said Paddy.
    ' Was it the drill you were afraid of? ' asked Mick.
    ' No, ' said Paddy, ' he was a paedophile. '



  6. #86
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  7. #87
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Some Irish bloke came into my petshop earlier.

    "Can I have a red and green parrot please. I'm going to a fancy dress party on Saturday dressed as Long John Silver and I really want to look the part."

    I said, "I've not got one in at the moment, but I can get you one here for tomorrow morning."

    "That's no good!" He said. "I'm having my leg cut off at 9 o'clock!"



  8. #88
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman go for the same job.

    The manager says he wants each of them to go into his office one at a time to take a test.

    The Englishman goes in and is presented with a potato, a lettuce and a knife.

    The manager asks him which is the odd one out.

    The Englishman says, "the knife, that's mineral and the other two are vegetables."

    "Well done," says the manager, "send the Scottish guy in."

    The Scotsman is presented with the same test.

    He says, "the knife - you can eat the other two."

    "Fair enough," says the manager, "send in the Irish chap."

    The Irishman goes in, and is again faced with the same test.

    He answers, "the lettuce"

    "How have you reached that conclusion?" the manager asks.

    The Irishman says, "come on, it's dead easy - you can make chips with the other two,"



  9. #89
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Paddy is on the radio doing a live quiz, and the presenter asks

    ‘Paddy for 100, can you tell me, who was the first woman on earth?’

    Paddy is quiet for a couple of seconds, the he says

    ‘Gimme a clue!’

    'Go on then' says the DJ ' Think of an apple'

    ‘That’s easy' replies Paddy ' Granny Smith'


  10. #90
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  11. #91
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  12. #92
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  13. #93
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    My Irish girlfriend did three pregnancy tests this morning and all three were positive.
    "I can't believe it," she said, wiping tears from her face,"how the fuck are we going to cope with triplets?"

  14. #94
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

  15. #95
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes


  16. #96
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Paddy the electrician has been sacked by the U.S Prison service for refusing to repair an electric chair...

    He said in his opinion it was a fucking death trap!



  17. #97
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    An Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman are discussing lovemaking.

    The Italian Guy says, "Wen I finish makin aluv to my girlafriend, I go down and tickle the back of her knees. She floats six inches above da bet in ecstacy."

    The French guy says, "Zat is nothing; wen I finish with ze girl, I kissher all ze way down her body zen lick ze sole of ze feet. She floats twelve inches above da bet in ecstacy."

    The Irishman says, "Dat's nothing; when I finish riding me bird, I get out of bed and wipe my knob on the curtains and she hits the fucking roof."



  18. #98
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Paddy's firework party was a complete disaster. "I don't understand it", he said. "They all worked fine when I tried them yesterday!"

  19. #99
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    Paddy went to the train station and asked the ticket office for a one way ticket to jepardy.
    The clerk said theres no such place. Paddy replied, look,
    it said on the news last night theres 3000 jobs in jeperdy and i want to get there NOW!!..

  20. #100
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    Default Re: St. Patrick's Day Jokes

    bad day? lol

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