Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 1234 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 40 of 95

Thread: Scottish Jokes

  1. #21
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Sunderland, England
    Posts
    48,344
    Rep Power
    7248

    Default

    Glasgow Boys join Ferrari.

    "The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

    This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Glasgow youngsters.
    The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Castlemilk were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

    It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

    However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Glasgow pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.



  2. #22
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Sunderland, England
    Posts
    48,344
    Rep Power
    7248

    Default

    Apparently that gamu nhegu from x factor moved to Scotland to escape poverty and disease. Oops, great at singing - Shit at geography



  3. #23
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Sunderland, England
    Posts
    48,344
    Rep Power
    7248

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough”.

    Dad, what are you talking about the son screams.

    We can't stand the sight of each other any longer the father says. We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.

    Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

    Like hell they're getting divorced she shouts, I'll take care of this!

    She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'



  4. #24
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Sunderland, England
    Posts
    48,344
    Rep Power
    7248

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.

    Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
    unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds
    to reveal a condom.
    The condom has a number of patches on it.
    The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
    "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
    "Six pence," says the chemist.
    "How much for a new one?"
    "Ten pence" says the chemist.
    The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
    and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches
    out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
    A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
    followed by an even greater shout.
    The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor,
    this time with a grin on his face.
    "The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
    "We'll have a new one."



  5. #25
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    In between the devil and the deep blue sea!
    Posts
    178,032
    Rep Power
    10826

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    Nintendo have just brought a game out where a
    14yr old boy runs around the streets of Glasgow smashing cars, stabbing people & robbing houses...........






    It's called……








    Wii Bastard!

  6. #26
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Sunderland, England
    Posts
    48,344
    Rep Power
    7248

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    THE SCOTTISH COW



    The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

    The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite

    cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful,

    produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

    They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so

    they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

    They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the

    bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

    No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move

    away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

    The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet,

    who was very wise, tell him what was happening and

    ask his advice.

    "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves

    away. If he approaches from the back, she moves

    forward.

    When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

    If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the

    other side."

    The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this

    before asking,

    "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

    The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever

    mentioned that they had brought the cow over from

    Scotland .
    "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know

    we got the cow from Scotland ?

    The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye :


    "My wife is from Scotland "



  7. #27
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Sunderland, England
    Posts
    48,344
    Rep Power
    7248

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing
    Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

    "Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin'
    Organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

    Archie nods approvingly.

    "I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

    "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

    "Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.....



  8. #28
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    In between the devil and the deep blue sea!
    Posts
    178,032
    Rep Power
    10826

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking
    photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a
    sign that read '10,000 per call'.

    The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the
    telephone was used for.

    The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for 10,000
    you could talk to God.

    The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

    Next stop was in Lincoln
    There, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign
    under it.

    He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he
    asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

    She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for 10,000 he
    could talk to God.

    'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

    He then travelled to York, Durham and Liverpool

    In every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same '10,000
    per call' sign under it.

    The American, upon leaving the N of England decided to travel to Scotland to
    see if the Scot’s had the same phone.

    He arrived in Glasgow, and again, as he entered the cathedral , there was
    the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence
    per call.'

    The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father,
    I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in
    many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England
    the price was 10,000 per call. Why is it only 50pence here?'

    The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son ... it's a
    local call.'

  9. #29
    Jokeroo Immortal stevent222's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Riverside, CA
    Posts
    240,680
    Rep Power
    6907

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    There once was a Scottishmen

    Course it's just as funny as an English Joke too, here let me show you. . .

    There once was an Englishmen

  10. #30
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Sunderland, England
    Posts
    48,344
    Rep Power
    7248

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
    He says, "This is Amanda."
    His dad jumps up. "It's a fucking what?"



  11. #31
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    In between the devil and the deep blue sea!
    Posts
    178,032
    Rep Power
    10826

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband's temper
    and threatening manner.

    The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

    The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time
    ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

    The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your
    husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start
    swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until
    he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

    Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
    She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came
    home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae
    touch me even once!

    Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

    The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does
    bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."



  12. #32
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    In between the devil and the deep blue sea!
    Posts
    178,032
    Rep Power
    10826

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    Historical Scottish 'Fact'

    In 1872 the condom was invented in Aberdeen, using a sheep's bladder.

    However, in 1873, the Scots in Dundee refined the idea somewhat by taking the bladder out of the sheep first!

  13. #33
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    In between the devil and the deep blue sea!
    Posts
    178,032
    Rep Power
    10826

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii
    GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.



  14. #34
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    In between the devil and the deep blue sea!
    Posts
    178,032
    Rep Power
    10826

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    2011 test for cultural diversity

    To receive this email you have to have lived and worked in Scotland , OR have been around Scots people a lot. It tests if the extent to which you understand the strange way they talk over there. And then it tests your taste for the strange corny sense of humour – something which often takes a long time to understand, i.e. tests how long you really were in Scotland ..... Until email was invented this test never left Scotland . Here it is - how many of these 22 jokes do you get?

    Hint: this is difficult; even if you were born and brought up in Scotland you may not get them all! If you get more than eight you become an honorary Scotsman(woman)!

    1. A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken
    'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
    'From my knickers tae ma feet. '

    2. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
    'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
    'Govan,' she replies.

    3. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography...?
    Oor Wullie.

    4. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
    'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
    'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

    5. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
    He's awa' noo.

    6. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
    'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
    'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

    7. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
    Coo eight.

    8. Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
    Which one's a Musketeer?
    The dark tan yin.

    9. A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
    So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
    'Is there money in the box?'
    'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

    10. While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
    'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
    And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

    11. What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
    Hawkeye The Noo.

    12. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
    A skean dhu..

    13. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Just Juan.

    14. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
    'No,' argues the assistant, 'Look at the label - it says Taiwan .'

    15. What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
    The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
    And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

    16. What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
    A wee fly b*****d.

    17. Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
    It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

    18. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
    The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

    19. Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
    Because the chef was Low Ping.

    20. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
    'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
    'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
    'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
    'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

    21. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative -
    'Aye right.'

    22. A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street .
    When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
    'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
    'Piston broke,' he replies.
    'Aye, same as masel...































  15. #35
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Sunderland, England
    Posts
    48,344
    Rep Power
    7248

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    I GOT ALL OF THEM.GLIA



  16. #36
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    In between the devil and the deep blue sea!
    Posts
    178,032
    Rep Power
    10826

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    One afternoon a wealthy Scotsman was riding in his large limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.

    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

    "Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

    Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

    The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife

    and SIX children with me!"

    "Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

    Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

    The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.

    "You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high........."

  17. #37
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    In between the devil and the deep blue sea!
    Posts
    178,032
    Rep Power
    10826

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

    After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the
    mountain.

    After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal
    with antlers on the wall.

    He asks the barman, "What the fook is that?"

    The barman says, "It's a Moose."

    The Scottish chap says, "Fook me! How big are the cats?"



  18. #38
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Sunderland, England
    Posts
    48,344
    Rep Power
    7248

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    BBC NEWS NORTHERN IRELAND - Hurricane Katia Winds Reach Northern Ireland

    BBC NEWS WALES - Travel Hit As 81mph Winds Strike

    BBC NEWS ENGLAND - Severe Winds Batter Northern England

    BBC NEWS SCOTLAND - Brother And Sister Caught Having Sex In Train Station



  19. #39
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    State of Confusion
    Posts
    3,054
    Rep Power
    223

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days.

    Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"

    "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."

    "Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."

    "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."

    "Aye I am that" Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us."

    "Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!"

  20. #40
    Jokeroo Enthusiast indianajoe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Indiana
    Posts
    36,265
    Rep Power
    6213

    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

    'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I
    ...
    am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up
    and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'

    'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more
    to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

    'Who said my Dad died?'

    The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive?
    How old is he?'

    He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed
    wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
    and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

    'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it
    than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

    'Who said my Grandad is dead?'

    Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your
    grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

    'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

    The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
    'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

    'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'

    At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!!
    Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'????????????????'
    Who said he wanted to?'

Similar Threads

  1. Scottish, English & Irish Jokes....
    By brilor in forum Funny Videos
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 09-07-2007, 07:51 AM
  2. Scottish Guy
    By StevanHogg in forum Funny Pictures [Adults Only]
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 09-07-2005, 10:11 AM
  3. Scottish Jokes
    By ! Stevan Hogg in forum Funny Jokes
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 01-04-2005, 05:29 AM
  4. GUY DISSING JOKES & BLONDE JOKES
    By kaneygirl2000 in forum Funny Jokes
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 05-24-2004, 09:12 AM
  5. jokes jokes my friends
    By lala dada in forum The Society
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 04-26-2004, 11:15 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •