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Thread: Scottish Jokes

  1. #41
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    At an Auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced he had lost his wallet containing 10,000 and would give a reward of 100 to the person who found it.
    From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, “I’ll gie a 150!”



  2. #42
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    Wink Re: Scottish Jokes

    Well hard jocks are.....

    [jimg]no7v/z3/B/P/n/e/a.baa-.jpg[/jimg]



  3. #43
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    Concerning bagpipes:
    The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

  4. #44
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled



    "Would all married men please stand next to the one person,

    who has made your life worth living."



    The bartender was almost crushed to death.

  5. #45
    Administrator squirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City. It's a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt. A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt. "No lassie" he replies, "everything is in fine working order."

  6. #46
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes


  7. #47
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

    The patient replies:

    "Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
    Great chieftain o the puddin race,
    Aboon them a ye take yer place,
    Painch, tripe or thairm,
    As langs my airm."

    Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

    "Some hae meat an canna eat,
    And some wad eat that want it,
    But we hae meat an we can eat,
    So let the Lord be thankit."

    Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

    "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
    O the panic in thy breasty,
    Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
    Wi bickering brattle."

    Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

    "No," replies the doctor, "this is the Burns Unit."


  8. #48
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    I was thinking these sound like Burns poems before i got to the end of the joke .



  9. #49
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    I hate my Scottish grandfather: for Christmas he was supposed to get me a Wii U, instead he got me a miniature sheep.


  10. #50
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    Definitions

    WEEK OLD

    1. Something that has lasted seven days

    2. What Scottish people call a viral infection of your upper respiratory tract



  11. #51
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    I went into a traditional Scottish shop this morning.

    Poundstretcher.



  12. #52
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    ' Oh God Hamish,that's not our baby! '
    ' Shut up,Mary.It's a better pram.'


  13. #53
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhoea?

    Bravefart


  14. #54
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    That`s why you fuckers where nowt under ya kilt.



  15. #55
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    A third British man in a recruitment video for the Islamic militant group Isis is from Aberdeen, the BBC has learned.

    The man has been named as Abugga Asheep.



  16. #56
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    What do you call a Scottish petrol pump attendant?

    Phil McCann.



  17. #57
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    What do you call a Scottish dentist?

    Phil MaCavity.

  18. #58
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    I'm part Irish and part Scottish.

    Which means half of me wants to get drunk, but the other half doesn't want to pay for it.



  19. #59
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    I took some great up-skirt photos today.

    It's true what they say about Scottish men.



  20. #60
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    Default Re: Scottish Jokes

    Whenever my car breaks down I take it to my Scottish mate.

    Andy McCannick.


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