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Thread: Scottish Jokes

  1. #1
    Member ! Stevan Hogg's Avatar
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    Smile Scottish Jokes

    CUTE HIGHLAND GIRL

    A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married."

    " So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."
    .











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    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ! Stevan Hogg
    CUTE HIGHLAND GIRL

    A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married."

    " So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."
    A Scotsman went on a weeks holiday to London taking with him a shirt and a five pound note. When he arrived home he hadn't changed either of them!

    Recent historical research has shown why Scotsmen wear kilts. In 1387 Sandy McNab of Glenteuchter won a Lady's tartan skirt in a raffle.

    McDougall walked into a fish and chip shop. "I want 50p worth of chips,lots of salt & vinegar, 10p worth of pickled onions and wrap the whole lot in todays newspaper."

    Chemist's assisant: "There is a Scotsman in the shop who wants to buy 10p worth of arsenic to commit suicide.How can I save him?"
    Chemist: "Tell him it will cost 20p."


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    Member ! Stevan Hogg's Avatar
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    Stranded Scotsman

    A Scotsman stranded on a desert island comes across a woman who has washed up onto shore. The Scotsman helps the woman and welcomes her to the island.

    Later on that day, the woman says, "I don't suppose you smoked before you were stranded on this island, did you?"
    The Scotsman explains that he most certainly did smoke before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a cigarette from her bag, and they enjoy a smoke together.


    A little later, the woman says, "I don't suppose you drank before you were stranded on this island, did you?"
    The Scotsman explains that he most certainly did drink before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a flask from her bag, and they enjoy a drink together.


    Some time later, the woman says, "So, you've been on this island for ten years without a woman, huh?"
    "That's right," says the Scotsman.
    The woman continue, "I don't suppose you'd like to play around?"

    "Good God lady," exclaimed the Scotsman, "you have a set of golf clubs in that bag too?!?!'
    .











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    Member ! Stevan Hogg's Avatar
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    Scottish Soldier

    A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

    When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?"

    The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!
    .











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    Red face

    Quote Originally Posted by ! Stevan Hogg
    Scottish Soldier

    A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

    When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?"

    The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!


    Jock was at a bitterly fought Rangers v Celtic football match in Glasgow.
    The man next to him was terrified as missiles flew ovewr their heads.
    "Dinna worry," Jock assured him. "You winna get hurt we a bottle unless it has got your name on it."
    "Thats what I am afraid of my name is Johnny Walker."

    Did you here about the Scotsman who gave a waiter a tip?

    The horse lost!

    "Stand behind your lover shouted," the Scotsman who had come home and caught his wife in bed with her lover. "I am going to shoot you both."

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    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    what does a Scottish epileptic have for xmas?

    A wii fit



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    Junior Member Cariboo Rose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by konifur2 View Post
    what does a Scottish epileptic have for xmas?

    A wii fit
    Oh man alive, that one had me spitting coffee all over my keyboard! Well done! Hahahaha!!

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    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cariboo Rose View Post
    Oh man alive, that one had me spitting coffee all over my keyboard! Well done! Hahahaha!!
    if he has a fit in the bath....don`t panic, keep cool ....then throw your dirty washing in.tee heesaves money



  9. #9
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Scottish Jokes

    How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
    Och! It's no that dark!
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
    The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor that‚s full O‚ coos Sharn'
    (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
    The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
    The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Jock's wife Maggie went to the doctor complaining of pains in the stomach. The doctor told her it was 'just wind'. "Just wind?" she screamed at him. "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
    Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
    The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
    Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
    Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
    The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
    Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
    After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
    on your leg."
    The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
    "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
    "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
    "Aye," said the lad, nodding.
    The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
    Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
    three pennies?"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"
    "Well," explained Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
    She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
    Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone into foreclosure and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
    "Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
    Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:
    "Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
    "Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.
    The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
    Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
    "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
    The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
    He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
    He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,
    "Father, what causes arthritis?"
    "Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."
    "Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
    The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"
    "I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
    When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
    He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
    "Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

    So he says; "What's all this about?"

    She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

    To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"

    "Your name never came up." She replies!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
    Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"

    "About two acres" Jock replies.

    "You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.

    "Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"
    The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
    The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
    "Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam.
    Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"

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    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Wink

    A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, 'I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'


    'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

    'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer' the father says. 'We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'


    Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced!' she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"


    She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

    :santatongue::whatfun:

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    Jokeroo Enthusiast Huggies's Avatar
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    "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, He'll buy the fifth drink."

    "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

    "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's, there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you sets foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another. All the drinks you like actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid.
    All on de house!"

    The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true..

    "Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious, "Did this actually happen to you?"

    "Not me self, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times."



    Thank you ladies!!
    Thank you Peter!!

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    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    A Scotsman was changing the tyre on his car when his mate pulled up and asked how he got the puncture.
    " i ran over a bottle ."
    "did you not see it?" his mate asked.
    Nah! the fucking mackem had it in his pocket didn`t he.



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    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    A Scotsman Is Drinking In a Inverness Bar .....
    He gets a call on his cell phone.. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear
    and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he
    announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy
    weighing 25 pounds.
    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25pounds, but the
    Scotsman just shrugs, "That's about average up North. Like I said, my
    boy's a typical Scottish baby boy."

    Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of
    "WOW!" and "Holy Shit!!" were heard.
    One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
    Two weeks later the Scotsman returns to the bar.

    The barman says "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby
    bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna
    call you... so how much does he weigh now?"

    The proud father answers, "19 pounds."
    The barman is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25
    pounds the day he was born."
    The Scottish father takes a slow swig from his Glen fiddich and wipes his
    lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had
    him circumcised".

  14. #14
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I canny button me pants."
    "Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"
    About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.
    Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"
    "Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...

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    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    Smile

    There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
    As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

    Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

    So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

    Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
    Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
    so he got down on his knees and cried:

    "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

    And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..



    (you're going to love this)





    "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"






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    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn. A Gamekeeper shouts:'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!' The man replies:'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that in English for me?' The keeper replies:'I said, use two hands - you spill les...s that way!!!



  17. #17
    Jokeroo Enthusiast konifur's Avatar
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    Talking

    I went swimming today and got changed next to a huge black Scotsman.
    I will tell you this ...
    it`s true what they say about them.....

    .....the bastard robbed me.:gnaw:



  18. #18
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    The Scottish Golfer

    An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.

    The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

    'I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.

    I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

    I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'

    'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.

    How old was your Dad when he died?'

    'Who said my Dad's dead?'

    The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'

    'He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.'

    'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'

    'Who said my grandad's dead?'

    Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

    'He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.

    The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

    'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'

    At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'


    'Who said he wanted to?'



  19. #19
    Jokeroo Legend brilor's Avatar
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    What's the difference between Tom Jones and Walt Disney?


    Tom Jones sings Walt Disnae!

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    Talking Three Englishmen and Brilor

    Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar.
    The first one said he was going to piss him off.
    He walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder.
    "Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof."
    "Oh aye really? Hmm! I didna know that."
    Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his mates.
    "I told him his St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"
    "You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn."
    The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Scotsman on the
    Shoulder.
    "Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"
    "Oh, jings! I didnae know that. Thank you."
    Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.
    "You're right. He is unshakeable!"
    The third Englishman said "No, no, no! I will really piss him off. You
    Just watch."

    The Englishman walked over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the shoulder
    And said...

    "Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"

    "Aye! So yer mates were sayiní...."



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