Groaner thread (please add)

Bamber

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#1
I noticed there wasn't a thread dedicated to groaners... well there is now!



Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.

Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all of his competitors in the category of wooden dolls by selling them at a fraction of the cost others had to charge for them. Upon examining his dolls closely, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this Native American would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at an incredibly reduced price.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic Indian dolls, his competitors complained that they were only... cheap Sioux veneers.
 

konifur

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#2
The lone ranger met Tonto outside the saloon, Tonto was out for a jog and the ranger said to him that he would accompany him after a whiskey, Tonto said "ok kimosabi " and carried on jogging on the spot. half way through his drink a cowboy walked in and said," hey ranger you have left your injun running."
 

konifur

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#3
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the plains one day, when Tonto suddenly cocked his ear at a passing falcon's cry. "Kemosabe... Apache to East!" he whispered.

The Lone Ranger looked to his faithful companion. "What do we do?"

Tonto pondered a moment. "We ride West!"

After riding a short while, Tonto again paused, searching the horizon with his eagle-sharp eyes. "Kemosabe... Apache to West!"

The Masked Man looked once again at his friend. "What should we do?"

Tonto scratched his head in thought. "We ride North!"

After a brief ride, Tonto stopped to scent the breeze. "Kemosabe... Apache to North!"

"What do we do now?" his companion asked.

Without hesitation, Tonto replied, "We ride South!"

Within minutes, Tonto reigned in his horse and dropped to the ground. Placing his ear to the earth, he listened intently. "Kemosabe... Apache to South!"

Worried, the Lone One asked him, "NOW what do we do?"

Tonto thought hard for a moment, his eyes squinting in concentration. Then his face lit up. "What do you mean "WE", White Man?"
 

konifur

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#4
A boy awoke and wanted breakfast, so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today."

So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry.

His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk. And I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over their little pussy cat, kicking the cat in the process.

The boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"
 

squirt

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#5
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."
 

Pixsurguy

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#6
A guy goes into his dentist’s office, because something is wrong with his mouth.
After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, “Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?”

“Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it...
Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I’m talkin’ DELICIOUS!
I’ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I’ve been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!”

“That’s probably it,” replied the dentist “Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I’ll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time.”

“Why chrome?” the man asked.




(wait for it!)




(wait for it!)


“Well, everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”

 

Pixsurguy

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#8
You don't need to put Hollandaise on yourself my love. You'll do just fine as you are.:p:p:p
Anyway, chocolate syrup or whipped cream are much preferable. :inlove::inlove::devil::devil::inlove::inlove::devil::devil:
[/COLOR]
 

Bamber

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#9
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Sum Ting Wong
 

konifur

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#10
ok that`s a groaner but me thinks i can do better.....

A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"
Brother Tito said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk.
 

konifur

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#11
OR GROAN OVER THESE.............

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
 

indianajoe

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#13
Whats the difference between a train and a school teacher?...


Teacher says "Spit out your gum !"

Train says "Chew chew..."
 

indianajoe

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#14
My bank offered me 24 hour banking...I told them no because I needed to sleep SOMETIME.
 

konifur

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#15
what about the man with a glass penis.......
you can see him coming.

and the girls with glass vagina...
she had a womb with a view
 

konifur

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#16
[QUOTE="indianajoe, post: 2802372]Whats the difference between a train and a school teacher?...


Teacher says "Spit out your gum !"

Train says "Chew chew..."[/quote]

hey indianajoe these are supposed to be groaners.that one was not bad at all. lol.:p
 
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#17
[QUOTE="konifur2, post: 2802383]hey indianajoe these are supposed to be groaners.that one was not bad at all. lol.:p[/QUOTE]

I can see that you are still delusional. :sly:
 
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#18
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
 

konifur

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#19
[QUOTE="bv01928, post: 2802412]I can see that you are still delusional. :sly:[/quote]

not at all i`m an old trainman remember.