Groaner thread (please add)

squirt

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brilor

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Just when you think you knew all the text abbreviation possible, then there's these:
(_!_) regular arse
(__!__) fat arse
(!) tight arse
(_*_) sore arse

(_o_) well used arse
(_e=mc2_) smart arse
And my favourite for those you want to really tell it to ...
(_x_) kiss my arse !
 

brilor

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I couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper, so I tried pulling it over my head but got it stuck.
I'm in A&E now waiting to see a cardyologist.
 

brilor

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Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached thereceptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" Enquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.
We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"