Groaner thread (please add)

brilor

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Have i just seen Michael J Fox at a local garden centre? 🤔
I'm not 100% sure if it was him as he had his back to the fuscia
 

stevent222

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Dr. Boudreaux from Breaux Bridge A doctor in Louisiana wanted to
get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant, "Boudreaux, I
am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".
"Yes, sir..." answers Boudreaux.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So
Boudreaux, how was your day?"
Boudreaux tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one
had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Boudreaux! and the second one?" says the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir,"
says Boudreaux.
"Bravo, bravo Boudreaux! You're good at this and what about the
third one?"
asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman
enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and
her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts:
"HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!"
"And what did you do Boudreaux?" asks the doctor.
"Mi Sha . . . I put eye drops in her eyes."
 

stevent222

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

“Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye."
-------------
 

stevent222

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A young college girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
 

stevent222

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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Oh I thought you said "Peakin Duck"
 
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stevent222

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A Case of Beer --*
A guy is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend stops him and asks, "Hey! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" the guys answers.

"Wow," exclaims his friend, "Great trade."
 

stevent222

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*-- My Son Swallowed A Quarter --*
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."