hotter than hell

squirt

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#1
The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam

So he picked out Texas
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough

He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all

Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well

Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun

First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young

Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter
Hotter and hotter still
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good

'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest

"By Golly," he finally panted
"I did my job too well
I'm going back to where I came from
Texas is hotter than Hell"​
 

squirt

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#2
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH ...

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

Jawl-P? Means Did yawl go to the bathroom?

People actually grow,eat and like okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I'm fixing to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

You is singular; Ya'll is plural.

You measure distance in minutes.

You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You know what a DAWG is.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm.

You know what a hissy fit is.

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good beef stew or chili weather.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
 

squirt

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#3
The Texas legislature passed a law Friday raising the speed limit to eighty-five miles an hour. They already let you have an open beer in the car and let you carry a gun. The idea is to make life on the highway so much fun you wouldn't think of texting while driving.

:hehehaha:
 

stevent222

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#4
`Texting while driving, that's got to be crazy you might spill your beer.

You know what a Fleet-Farm store is, thats where you go to buy school close.

When the neighbor is having a B.B.Q. just walk over with a couple of 6-paks and your invited.
 

ddkperry

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#5
[QUOTE="stevent222, post: 3734123]`Texting while driving, that's got to be crazy you might spill your beer.

You know what a Fleet-Farm store is, thats where you go to buy school close.

When the neighbor is having a B.B.Q. just walk over with a couple of 6-paks and your invited.
[/QUOTE]

In Texas a couple of six packs means you only brought enough for yourself
 

squirt

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#6
Texas has compiled a "Californian to Texan" translation:

CALIFORNIA / TEXAS
Arsenal of Weapons/Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands/Swamp

Undocumented Worker/Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials/Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery/Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed/Well-protected

Narrow-minded / Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share / Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control / Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives / Fireworks for Stump Removal

Nonviable Tissue Mass / Unborn Baby

Equal Access to Opportunity / Socialism

Multicultural Community / High Crime Area

Fairness or Social Progress / Marxism

Upper Class or "The Rich" / Self-Employed

Progressive, Change / Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged / Bums or Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle / Scoped Deer Rifle

Investment For the Future / Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform / Socialized Medicine

Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater / Conservative

Truants / Homeschoolers

Victim or Oppressed / Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing

High Capacity Magazine / Standard Capacity Magazine

Religious Zealot / Church-going

Reintroduced Wolves / Sheep and Elk Killers

Fair Trade Coffee / Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or "The Rich" / Employed or Land Owner

The Gun Lobby / NRA Members

Assault Weapon / Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus / New Taxes and Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage / Legalized Perversion

Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting / Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs
 

squirt

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#7
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Don't mess with Texas OR our rabbits!!! lmao :boxing:
:champion: :rotf2:
 

brilor

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#8
There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Hell. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
 

brilor

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#9
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.

Pope: "Sorry about the mix up."

President Clinton: "No problem."

Pope: "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven."

President Clinton: "Why's that? It's not that great."

Pope: "All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."

President Clinton: "Sorry, Your Holiness, You're a day late."
 

mytime

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#10
Signs It's WAY Too Hot . . .

16. The pizza you ordered is actually the same temperature that it came out of the oven when the delivery guy FINALLY gets it to your door.

15. The water in your swimming pool can be used to cook vegetables.

14. Chickens lay hard boiled eggs.

13. Instead of "smoking or non-smoking" your favorite restaurant offers "smoking AND smoking."

12. You can cook a full meal in your crock pot without ever plugging it in.

11. Your 97 year-old grandmother finally removes the down parka.

10. The squash in your garden are fully cooked when you pick them.

9. "Ice Cube" forced to change his name to "Wet Spot."

8. Death toll climbs each time someone asks: "Hot enough for ya?"

7. You sat through Runaway Bride just so you could be in an air conditioned room for two hours.

6. Al Gore takes credit for inventing air conditioning.

5. You shaved ten minutes off the morning commute by cooking breakfast on your dashboard on the way in.

4. Your kids are toasting marshmallows -- by sticking them out the window.

3. Mirage in the living room keeps attracting dehydrated, bedraggled neighbor children.

2. Richard Simmons releases new diet program: "Sweatin'. Just Lyin' Around Motionless Sweatin'."

1. Water comes out of the "cold" faucet at the same temperature as the "hot" faucet.
 

squirt

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#11
The Night Before Christmas - Texas Style

‘Twas the night before Christmas, In Texas you know
Way out on the prairie, without any snow

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue
A dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you

Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds
For this was Texas, What more need be said?

When all of a sudden from out the still night
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright!

And I saw cross the prairie, like the shot from a gun
A loaded up buckboard, Come on at a run

The driver was "whistling" and "shouting" with a will
The "Horses" (not reindeer) he drove with such skill

"Come on there Buck, Poncho, and Prince, to the right"
There'll be plenty of travelin' for you-all tonight

The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red
Had a 10 gallon Stetson on the top of his head

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight
With his beard so curly and white

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke
And both so astonished, that neither one spoke

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore
That neither could think of a single thing more

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws
He asked in a whisper "Are you really Santa Claus?"

"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?
And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink

Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl
“To all children of Texas ~ MERRY CHRISTMAS, YEE HAW!
 

squirt

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#12
California:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control ... Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8 The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.


Texas :

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. Coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.

1. The Governo r shoots the coyote with his concealed carry pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Crows eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
 

mytime

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#13
Note: I could have sworn I saw a Texas thread here but couldn't find it doing the search. Feel free to merge the thread if you know where it's at.


Texas talkin’
Here’s what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State…

The engine’s runnin’ but ain’t nobody driving = Not too smart
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
We’ve howdied but we ain’t shook yet = We’ve met, but haven’t been formally introduced
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn’t stink
She’s got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She’s a talker
It’s so dry the trees are bribin’ the dogs = Rain would be nice
Just because a chicken has wings doesn’t mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
This ain’t my first rodeo = I’ve been around the block
He looks like the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
They ate supper before they said grace = They’re living in sin
Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you’re told
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn’t make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn’t change a thing
 

mytime

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#14
What happened in Texas?

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Who stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse isn’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don’t want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home!”
 

squirt

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#15
[QUOTE="mytime, post: 4103793]Note: I could have sworn I saw a Texas thread here but couldn't find it doing the search. Feel free to merge the thread if you know where it's at.[/QUOTE]

I really should rename it lol that's sweet of you, thank you! :bow:
 

stevent222

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#16
Just found this thread again so reach over and took the thermonitor out of the window and snapped a picture of it with my webcam time is 1:40P.M. Sept. 28th. 12

[jimg]mgd9/z3/D/X/_/d/a.baa-.jpg[/jimg]​
 

mytime

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#17
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “what is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

“Elation,” she said.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “what about the opposite of woe?”

The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be ‘giddy up’ “.
 

mytime

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#19
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,

“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks, “And what are those?”

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan’s bragging replies with an incredulous look, “What, don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
 

mytime

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#20
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. “I know that smart aleck Tex,” said the first. “He’s going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back.”

“Not Tex,” the second cowboy replied. “He’ll always be just a good ol’ boy. When he walks in, I’m sure all he’ll say is hello.”

“I know Tex better than either of you,” said the third. “He’s so smart, he’ll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now.” Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, “Audi, partners!“