Letting go

Dannon

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#1
For 16 long years, I have been married to an emotionally abusive man. It has finally become so hard to deal with that I have decided to get a divorce. Since I have made this decision, I have been on a roller coaster ride of the vicious cycle of abuse from him. He goes from "beating down" to the guilt trip to Mr. Nice Guy. The fact that I am becoming more aware of these tricks to try to keep me in the relationship is a good sign. Too many times, I have given in and stayed in the relationship because I allowed myself to fall for one of these tactics foolishly believing things would change for us.

At last I am ready to let go and move on with my life despite the guilt I feel for leaving him all alone at his age and with his health problems.

I am not really seeking advice although any thoughts you may have are more than welcome. I think I just needed to vent out what has been my life for a long time.

I do a lot of writing in my journal and sometimes I come up with some decent advice for myself. I wrote this one tonight about letting go and thought I would share it.

Thanks for reading and wish me luck on my new venture and all the tough decisions I will surely have to make.

 
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#2
Writing down your thoughts and feelings is always a good way to let your rational mind tells you what to do.
Whatever you decide.. .......I wish you all the luck and the best!!
 

Dannon

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[QUOTE="LilMissPurrfect, post: 4623031]Writing down your thoughts and feelings is always a good way to let your rational mind tells you what to do.
Whatever you decide.. .......I wish you all the luck and the best!!
[/QUOTE]

Thank you very much, lady. I love my journals. I have kept one on hand at all times for many years. You're absolutely right, writing does clear the mind so your rational side can take over. It's also a great way to keep a record of all the good moments that happen in your life. I write about everything daily and sometimes get creative and draw pictures in it.

Have an amazing day and chat soon.
 

likeaneagle

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#4
[QUOTE="Dannon, post: 4623028]For 16 long years, I have been married to an emotionally abusive man. It has finally become so hard to deal with that I have decided to get a divorce. Since I have made this decision, I have been on a roller coaster ride of the vicious cycle of abuse from him. He goes from "beating down" to the guilt trip to Mr. Nice Guy. The fact that I am becoming more aware of these tricks to try to keep me in the relationship is a good sign. Too many times, I have given in and stayed in the relationship because I allowed myself to fall for one of these tactics foolishly believing things would change for us.

At last I am ready to let go and move on with my life despite the guilt I feel for leaving him all alone at his age and with his health problems.

I am not really seeking advice although any thoughts you may have are more than welcome. I think I just needed to vent out what has been my life for a long time.

I do a lot of writing in my journal and sometimes I come up with some decent advice for myself. I wrote this one tonight about letting go and thought I would share it.

Thanks for reading and wish me luck on my new venture and all the tough decisions I will surely have to make.

[/QUOTE]
i admit its hard going after 31 yrs of marriage! i have never looked back! 6 yrs dIvorced!!!! pity its not legal to shoot the bastards!
 

Geoff_the_Beard

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#5
I had been married for 29 years when I got my divorce. I had made up my mind eight years before that, but probably foolishly accepted what my ex wanted - to stay until both kids were organised in homes of their own. Towards the end of that eight years I met a woman I was very keen on, and ended up agreeing that infidelity with her be used as the grounds for the divorce. I got very poor terms, financially, but that divorce has changed my life SO much for the better. Negotiate the best terms you can, but DO IT. Yes it is tough, but you will be far better off afterwards.

It didn't work out with the woman cited in my divorce, because she wouldn't go through with her divorce. I am currently on my own, but am looking forward to a new life with someone on this site.
 

Romford Lad

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#6
Well ~ if it's any help ~ I was married before [for twenty years] we had a great life, beautiful home, holiday home abroad, all that stuff ~ I was a well know public figure as well ~ the only thing was, that she told me that she didn't want any physical relationship because she just couldn't do it ~ I respected that, never forced anything ~ and just worked ~ had three companies, and worked 7 days a week. Then I overheard her talking to 'her lover' who had a place close to ours abroad ~ it was the biggest 'hit' anyone could imagine ~ so [having not been with anyone else, against my beliefs] I gave her 1 year to sort herself out. She was away with this chap a number of time [great excuses she gave, but I have connections and had a full report]
After 1 year [to the date] I said pack your bags, take what is yours from the house ~ I'll sign over the holiday home to you ~ and just go ~ she didn't believe I would do it ~ but I did ~ cool, calm and collective.

I had my home here ~ and decided that marriage was something I wasn't going to get involved with again ~ then one Christmas day, in a restaurant I met this lady ~ very bubbly, friendly ~ and we went out a couple of times ~ that was 22 years ago, we've been married for 21 ~ and she shows, and gives me more love in her little figure, than my previous wife did in all the years we were married.

Guess what I'm saying is that we all reach a crossroad in life, when you have to make a decision, sometimes without knowing exactly what may happen, but most of the time ~ it works out for the best.

Stick with what you have decided ~ I'm sure it will work for you also.
 

muchtrouble10

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#7
I could say I am all alone...but I only LIVE alone. After a lifetime of abusive marriage (the financial and emotional kind) I finally walked out a year ago. It was scary...and his behavior became worse as we came closer to the end, but friends in my life, and the friends I made here pulled and pushed me through everytime I got "stuck" and was ready to quit. I KNEW the euphoria I felt when I moved into my own apartment wouldn't last..."life" keeps happening...but even my worst days are still, a year later, heaven compared to the way I was living. We are all here for you...just let us know you need us! :happyhug:
 

druid627

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#8
My second marriage lasted nineteen years, out of sheer stubborn foolishness on my part. After my first wife was killed, it took eight years for me to get comforable enough to try it again; that was a mistake. After the first couple of years, the abuse started, and had gotten worse. I could not bring myself to leave, due to the fact that "she was all alone, who would take care of her?" was occilatting with "you are a broken worthless no good..." you get the idea. I found out she was seeing other guys, and about half the standard things that happen in dysfunctional relationships. When I put her on the Greyhound heading south, I felt a twinge of failure, which was overcome with relief that I could breath without the fate of Atlas being assinged to me.

Writing is what kept me going after both my first wife's death, and the years of emotional abuse heaped on by my second wife. I cannot state that I am fully cured of the second one(hell, I doubt I will be perfectly clear of the first...), I am finally able to make peace with myself. Writing down, sorting out the rational from the b/s you have had heaped upon you, planning, and excuting the plans you have written is the first step to recovery. A clear mind and determination will help set you free.

Remembering to breathe also helps.
 

Dannon

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#9
Thank you, everyone, for sharing your own personal experiences with me. It's comforting to know I am not alone even though I know there are so many people in this world that have similar experiences with failed marriages. I guess too many times I feel as though I am isolated from everyone and I find it difficult to turn to others for help or advice.

I will most definitely take time to breathe and keep my focus on my goal, freedom from a dysfunctional marriage.

We receive the papers tomorrow from our legal plan to pick a lawyer and set up an appointment for a legal separation. I would love to make this divorce as painless as possible for both of us and keep it as inexpensive as I can but I fear that may not be feasible. Ah well, I'll take each day as it comes and do the best I can with it and take time to enjoy the little moments with my family and dear friends. :ghug:
 

muchtrouble10

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#10
How lucky you are that your partner is so agreeable!!! I tried that route and mine said he would rather spend every penny on lawyer fees than to see me get anything.
 

Dannon

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[QUOTE="muchtrouble10, post: 4623379]How lucky you are that your partner is so agreeable!!! I tried that route and mine said he would rather spend every penny on lawyer fees than to see me get anything.[/QUOTE]


Yes, I am lucky he doesn't feel like battling over every little thing. He wishes to save money too during this process. Thank goodness.. LOL
 

squirt

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#12
it is true, friends halve our troubles and double our joys
to thine own self be true and you'll be alright! :zebrahug:
:popheart:
 
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#13
:hugs:

I found my way here, sorting through something similar and needing an outlet.
Understanding the journey.
 

muchtrouble10

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#14
The sorting through things is the hardest part...It took a long time to get from "I can't live without him" to "The marriage died a long time ago and it is time to bury the stinking body".
 

Goodgrief

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#15
Letting go is not easy. Closure is the most important thing. Sit back and reflect on the measure of what made you happy and what made you unhappy. If the negative part is heavier, then, move on without any regrets. Don't look back, ever!
 

Dannon

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[QUOTE="Goodgrief, post: 4624257]Letting go is not easy. Closure is the most important thing. Sit back and reflect on the measure of what made you happy and what made you unhappy. If the negative part is heavier, then, move on without any regrets. Don't look back, ever!
[/QUOTE]


Great advice and one I have used before in my previous marriage. It was the key to me bailing on that man too. I don't even have to weigh the pros and cons of this marriage. It's so clear that I move on. Thank you, Goodgrief.
 

Goodgrief

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#17
Now, your life is not over. Just a few tips... Avoid control freaks. Avoid jealous freaks. Avoid men who don't ask you how your day went. Avoid men who won't mind spending a lot of money on things that will make him look good but will crab about how much money you spend on the weekly food runs.

I know, good men are one in a million. But there are 8 billion people on this planet! LOL!

Good luck, Hon!



 

Dannon

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[QUOTE="Goodgrief, post: 4624873]Now, your life is not over. Just a few tips... Avoid control freaks. Avoid jealous freaks. Avoid men who don't ask you how your day went. Avoid men who won't mind spending a lot of money on things that will make him look good but will crab about how much money you spend on the weekly food runs.

I know, good men are one in a million. But there are 8 billion people on this planet! LOL!

Good luck, Hon!



[/QUOTE]


Well said, Goodgrief. I cannot say I am not a little bitter toward men atm but I know there are many wonderful men out there. Thank you so much for your advice. I will certainly be more selective next time. :heartflowers:
 

Dannon

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#19
Just a side note, I have put myself into therapy to help work out many of my personal issues and to get support during the divorce. I have thought about the subject of getting into another relationship someday. I even made a list of what I was looking for in a man but then I thought, if I have nothing to offer this man in return but a bitter woman with baggage it's not fair to him and it certainly wouldn't work.

Before I ever decide to get out there and date again, I have a lot of healing and work to do on myself. Luckily, I have a great support group and I am not afraid to face myself and make changes as needed. :colgate:
 

Geoff_the_Beard

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#20
Therapy is a good idea, but don't make the mistake of booking appointments just because the therapist wants your money. Make sure that what you both say is really helping, though that might not be easy to assess in the early stages. As others have said, the most important things at this stage are to define what YOU want for the future. A new relationship is clearly desirable, but only with someone who wants you to have the relationship on your terms. Although it is a truism that many women got into a relationship with a man thinking that they can could him into what they want, the reality is that men rarely change, except possibly for the worse. Take a long time building a new relationship, to make sure that the new man IS what you want, in ALL aspects. At the same time, be realistic. All the perfect men are already taken!