Limericks - please add

Bamber

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#1
There once was a man from Rangoon,
Whose farts could be heard to the moon.
When you'd least expect 'em,
They'd explode from his rectum,
With the force of a raging typhoon.


The jolly old Bishop of Birmingham,
He buggered 3 maids while confirming 'em,
As they knelt seeking God,
He excited his rod,
And pumped his episcopal sperm in'em.


There once was a man from Boston,
Who drove around in an Austin,
There was room for his ass,
And a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.


There was a young fellow from Leeds,
Who swallowed a package of seeds,
Great tufts of grass,
Sprouted out of his ass,
And his balls were covered with weeds.


There once was a lass from Peru,
Who filled her vagina with glue,
She said with a grin,
If they'll pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too.


There was a couple named Kelly,
Who were stuck belly to belly,
Because of their haste,
They used library past,
Instead of petroleum jelly.


There was a young lady of Cheam,
Who crept into the vestry unseen,
She pulled down her knickers,
Likewise the vicar's,
And said, "How about it, old bean?"


There once was a man from Racine,
Who built a big fucking machine,
Concave or convex,
It would fuck any sex,
Oh but what a bastard to clean.


There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer,
Said he with a grin,
"Well, I've sure got it in!"
Said she, "It ain't your finger?"


There was a young lady named Hitchin,
Scratching her crotch in the kitchen,
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs I suppose?"
She said, "Yes and the buggers are itchin."


There was a young man of St. James,
Who indulged in the jolliest games,
He lighted the rim,
Of his grandmother's quim,
And made her piss through the flames.


There was a young woman named Wheeling
Who professed of no sexual feeling,
Until a cynic named Boris,
Nibbled at her clitoris,
Wheeling was scraped from the ceiling.


A hermit who had an oasis,
Thought it the best of all places,
He could pray and be calm,
'Neath a pleasant date palm,
While the lice on his penis ran races.


There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty, men craned their necks at her,
One went so far,
As to wave from his car,
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.


There once was a man from Nantuckett,
With a cock so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it."


Female apes were afraid of King Kong,
Since his wang was exceedingly long,
Until a friendly giraffe,
Ate his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.


There was a young lady from Trent,
Who said she knew what it meant,
When he asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of wine,
She knew, she knew, but she went.


There once was a man from Madras,
Who balls were made from brass,
In windy Weather
They swung together,
And lightning shot out his ass.


In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
For he knew in his mirth,
That on all of the earth,
There were only two balls and he had 'em.


A fellow whose surname was Hunt,
Trained his prick to do a stunt,
This versatile spout,
Could be turned inside out,
like a glove and be used as a cunt.


There once was a man from Kajowels,
Whose diet consisted of bowels,
When he couldn't get this,
He drank prostitute piss,
And scrapings from sanitary towels.


There was a woman from the Azores,
Whose body was covered with sores,
All the dogs in the street,
Would lick the green meat,
That hung down from her drawers.


That poor young fellow from Kent,
Whose cock was exceedingly bent,
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of coming he went.


There once was a man named Bruno,
About tupping sheep he do know,
Lambs are fine,
And rams are divine,
But Lamas are numero uno.


There was a young lady named Hilda,
Who went for a walk with a builder,
He knew that he could,
And he should, and he would,
So he did, and he damn near killed her.


A young man with passions quite gingery,
Tore a hole in his Sister's best lingerie,
He slapped her behind,
And made up his mind,
To add incest to insult and injury.


There was a young lady of Crewe,
Whose cherry a chap had got through,
Which she told to her mother,
Who fixed her another,
Out of rubber, red ink, and glue.


When a lecherous priest at Leeds,
Was discovered, one day in the weeds,
Astride a young nun,
He said, "Christ this is fun,
Far better than fondling one's beads."


There was a young lady of Twickenham,
Who regretted men had no prick in 'em,
On her knees everyday,
To her God she would pray,
To lengthen, strengthen, and thicken 'em.


There was a young girl named McCall,
Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
But the size of her anus,
Was something quite heinous,
It could hold seven cocks and one ball.


There was a young parson named Binns,
Who talked about women and things,
But his secret desire,
Was a boy in the choir,
With a bottom like jelly on springs.


There was a young man of high station,
Who was found by a pious relation,
Making love in a ditch,
To I won't say a bitch,
But a woman of no reputation.


There was a young girl of Detroit,
Who at fucking was very adroit,
She could squeeze her vagina,
To a pinpoint or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.


There was a young maid from Mobile,
Whose cunt was made of blue steel,
She got her thrills,
From pneumatic drills,
And off-centered emery wheels.


There was a young nun from Siberia,
Endowed with a virgin interior,
Until an old monk,
Jumped into her bunk,
And now she's the Mother Superior.


There was a young Scot from Delray,
Who buggered his father one day,
Saying, "I like it rather,
To stuff it up father,
He's clean and there's nothing to pay."


There was a young plumber of Lea,
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea,
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!" -
Said he, still plumbing, "It's me."


There was an old man of Dundee,
Who came home as drunk as could be,
He wound up the clock,
With the end of his cock,
And buggered his wife with the key.


There was a young man from Lynn,
Whose cock was the size of a pin,
Said his girl with a laugh,
As she fondled his shaft,
"This won't be much of a sin."


An elderly pervert in Nice,
Who was long past wanting a piece,
Would jack-off his hogs,
His cows and his dogs,
Till his parrot called the police.


There was a young man from Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn't have been,
Had his father seen,
That the end of his rubber was torn.


The last time I dined with the King,
He did quite an unkingly thing,
While up on the throne,
He pulled out his bone,
And said, "If I play, will you sing?"


A comely young widow of Ransom,
Was ravished three times in a hansom,
When she cried out for more,
A voice from the floor,
Said, "Lady, I'm Simpson, not Sampson."


There once was a skater named Yeats,
Who attempted the splits while on skates,
But he fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
And now he is useless on dates.


From the depths of a crypt at St. Ciles,
Came a scream that resounded for miles,
Said the bishop, "Good gracious,
Has Father Ignatious
Forgotten the vicar has piles?"


There was an old Duke of Rockingham,
Who wrote a book on cunts and fucking 'em,
But a dirty old Turk,
Wrote a much better work,
On tits and 12 ways of sucking 'em.


There was a young man from Brighton,
Who thought he had found a tight one,
He said, "Oh my love,
It fits like a glove."
She said, "But it's not in the right one."


There was a hermit from Behave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave,
She only had one tit,
And smelled like shit,
But think of the money he saved.


There was a man of New Treaver,
Who had intercourse with a beaver,
The result of his screw,
Was a birchbark canoe,
Three ducks and an Irish retriever.


The gay young Duke of Buckingham,
Stood on the bridge at Rockingham,
Watching the stunts,
Of the cunts midst the grunts,
And all of the pricks fucking 'em.


There was a student of Trinity,
Who popped his sister's virginity,
Buggered his brother,
Had twins by his mother,
And took double honor in Divinity.


The three old witches of Kent,
Took a man into a tent,
The three dirty bitches,
They pulled down his britches,
And jumped on his cock ‘til it bent.


There was a young man named Pete,
Who was a bit indiscreet,
He pulled on his wong,
Until it grew very long,
And dragged down a two lane street.


There was a young man from Stroud,
Who was screwing a girl in a crowd,
A man up in front,
Said, "Hmmm, I smell cunt."
Just like that, not very loud.


There was a young lawyer named Springer,
Got his testicles caught in the wringer,
He hollered with pain
As they went down the drain,
"From now on I'll just use my finger."


Coitus upon a cadaver,
Is the ultimate way you can have 'er,
Her inanimate state,
Means a man needn't wait,
And eliminates all the palaver.


There once was a chick named Alice,
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus,
When she got hot,
It finally went pop,
And they found her tits outside of Dallas.


There once was a girl from Nantuckett,
Who went to France in a bucket,
When she got there,
They asked for her fare,
She lifted up her dress and said fuck it.


I once knew a man named Magruder,
Who met a nude and he wooed her,
The nude thought it crude,
To be wooed in the nude,
But Magruder was shrewder and screwed her.


There was a young girl from France,
Who jumped on a bus in a trance,
Six passengers fucked her,
Besides the conductor,
And the driver shot twice in his pants.


A pansy by the name of Bloom,
Took a lesbian up to his room,
They talked the whole night,
As to who had the right,
To do what, with which, and to whom.


There was a young man named Mirkin,
Who kept on jerkin' his gherkin,
Said his wife to Mirkin,
"Your duty you're shirkin',
That gherkin's for firkin', not jerkin'."


A young man whose sight was myopic,
Thought sex an incredible topic,
So poor were his eyes,
That despite its great size,
His prick appeared microscopic.


I once knew a man from LaGrange,
His mind was completely deranged,
In playgrounds he hung,
Looking at ten year old bun,
This was his home on the range.


There was a girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies were from God,
But 'twas not the Almighty,
Who hiked up her nightie,
'Twas Roger, the lodger, by God.


There was a young lady named Duff,
With a lively, luxuriant muff,
In his haste to get in her,
One eager beginner,
Lost both his balls in the rough.


There was a young man of Kildare,
Fucking a girl on the stairs,
The bannister broke,
But he doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in midair.


There was a dentist Malone,
Who fondled a girl patient alone,
But in his depravity,
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my how his practice has grown.


There once was a man named O'Dool,
Who had an enormous tool,
He'd use it to plow,
Or diddle a cow,
Or as a cue stick at pool.


There was a soldier from Kildare,
Who fondled a girl in his chair,
At the sixty-third stroke,
The chair done broke,
And his gun went off in the air.
 

squirt

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#2
There once was this place called the Roo
it was more than a legend, it's true!
there was flirting and dancing
and lots of romancing
and the best part about it is YOU!


(and you and you and you and you ... lol)
 

squirt

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#3
The limerick is furtive and mean
You must keep her in close quarantine
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene
 

squirt

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#4
let me tell you a little tale
of a fella who loved his ale
he also loved farts
and to play with his parts
and his stories just never got stale!
 

PENNMTNS

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#5
There Once was a Man called Reg
Who Went with a Girl in a Hedge
Along came his wife
With a big Carving Knife
And cut off his meat and two veg
 

PENNMTNS

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#6
[QUOTE="squirt, post: 3293433]The limerick is furtive and mean
You must keep her in close quarantine
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene[/QUOTE]

A young schizophrenic named Struther,
Who learned of the death of his Brother,
Said, "I know that its bad,
But I don't feel too sad.
After all, I still have each other."
 

squirt

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#7
I once knew a man named Penn
I'd see him now and then
his thoughts they were dirty
and his smile always flirty
and to him my love I send!!! lol :blowkiss:
 

squirt

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#8
here was a young woman from Leeds
who swallowed a packet of seeds
within half an hour
her tits were in flower
and her fanny was covered in weeds
 

squirt

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#10
In Florida, there lived a man
and of him I am a big fan
he's always so giving
and does lots of living
and loves everybody he can ... lol :blowkiss:
 

hortysir

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#11
Thare wunts wuz a gurl frum Dallas
Hoo sher had an ass like a palace
When Modding the Roo
She'll grow on you
And mayk yew laff til yew piss


:iheartyou:
 

squirt

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#13
there is this neat lady named Missy
she isn't all stuffy or prissy
she rolled in the Roo
and loved me and you
and her man has a 'tude that is pissy lol
 

hortysir

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#14
I know a hot babe called Squirt
She'll make your dick drop in the dirt
She'll mail you her drawers
Make you wish she was your's
And she'll never make your heart hurt

:popheart:


:raspberry:
 

squirt

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#15
there is this sweet fella called 'Sir
and his thoughts are rarely pure
but I love him that way
and I'm happy to say
for that there is no cure ... lol


:evilgrin: :iheartyou:
 

Bamber

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#16
While watching a train DVD
I near choked to death on a pea
Eating in a hurry
A dish full of curry
That legume damned near did for me!


(It's true - had real trouble shifting the bugger from my windpipe)
 

brilor

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#17
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]On the tits of a barmaid named Gayle,
Were tattooed prices of beer, stout, and Ale,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was precisely the same, but in Braille.
[/FONT]
 

brilor

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#18
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There once was a woman from Hunt
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Who smoked a cigar with her cunt [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Smoke rings did she blow [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As part of the show [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]T’was really one hell of a stunt! [/FONT]
 

brilor

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#19
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There 0nce was a man from Boston [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Who traveled the world in an austin [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He had room for his ass [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]And a gallon of gas [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]But his balls hung out and he lost them [/FONT]
 

brilor

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#20
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]While positioning o'er the bowl [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A report blew forth from my hole [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Though the mens' room was hushed [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]By my courtesy flush [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I had finally accomplished my goal.
[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]PS I think Koni penned this one!
[/FONT]