Little Johnny

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Little Johnny's infant class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
 

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One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Jane." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said. Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer.
The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp honey, I wanna suck."
 

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While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
"That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.
She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?
 

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One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies, "It ain’t my finger either.”
 

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Little Johnny was walking down the beach when he spied a matronly woman sitting on the sand under a beach umbrella.
He walked up to her and asked,
"Are you a Christian?"

"Yes," she replied. "Do you read your Bible every day?"
She nodded her head, "Yes."
"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered,
"Yes." With that, he asked his final question,
"Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?"
 

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One day little Johnny's teacher was teaching the class about agriculture. To help with this, she was showing pictures of farm equipment. She puts up the first picture, "What is this a picture of class?" she asks.
Little Suzy puts up her hand and Johnny sticks up his hand. Of course, the teacher just knows that Johnny has something dirty in mind and picks Suzy."What is this Suzy?".
"Its a rake".

"Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" she asks and points at the next picture. Johnny's hand shoots up and, little Anne politely puts up her hand, and once again the teacher ignores little Johnny.
"That's a pitchfork" says little Anne.
"Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" The teacher asks once more. Dead silence, only one student has their hand up, and of course its little Johnny.
Seeming as though no one else was volunteering, the teacher asked Johnny. "OK Johnny, what is this?".
All of a sudden Johnny realizes he doesn't know the answer. "UH, UH, its a shovel, yeah, it's a shovel."
"No Johnny, this isn't a shovel, this is a hoe".
"What? My sister's one and she doesn't look nutin' like that!!"
 

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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said:
"Little Johnny, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied:
"Well, Mrs. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t frickin’ warned."







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The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase pistol too.
Timmy raised his hand, and after being recognized said, "The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful Indian companion and his pistol too."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Little Johnny raised his hand, and after being called on said, "Down at our house we make home-brew, drink till twelve, and piss till two."
 

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When Little Johnny's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.
But Little Johnny overheard some of his parents' private conversations.
One day, when Johnny and his mother were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" Johnny answered, "and I know what we're gonna name it, too.
If it's a girl, we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits!
 

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At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug.”
 

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Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy'."
Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and give that kid some ice cream!"
 

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Little Johnny had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his, "Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse darling."
Little Johnny said, "Oh OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily
"Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.
 

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Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.
On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"
The dad answered, "Playing Cards".
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
The dad answered, "Your mom".
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?"
The sister answered, "Playing Cards."
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
She answered, "My boyfriend."
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally).
As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "What are you doing?"
Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."
The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"
Little Johnny answered,... "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!
 

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Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, wrote the word "PERIOD" on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that" she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Dammmmnnn if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one.
Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and Uncle Bob crapped himself."

 

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Little Johnny and his father went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, Little Johnny suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."
Little Johnny returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later Little Johnny asked, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!