A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”. One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.” “Very good” said the teacher. Another one said:
“This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn't start.”
“That’s excellent” says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that.......
”The teacher interrupted him and said,
“I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.
”Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”
The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”
“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm.
I presume he was going for a Shit because he can’t read.”
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Little Johnny, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied: "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t frickin’ warned."
Teacher says to the class.."Tell me a word beginning with "A" Billy says "Arse"...He gets told off and the teacher then she asks for a word beginning with "B"...Jenny says "Bollocks"...Again she gets told off. The teacher decides to leave out "C" for obvious reasons and asks for a word beginning with "D"...Johnny. calls out "Dwarf". The teacher congratulates him and asks what a Dwarf is.
Johnney replies "A short arsed cunt with massive bollocks and a cock that touches the floor"!..
Little Johnny was walking down the beach when he spied a matronly woman sitting on the sand under a beach umbrella. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?" "Yes," she replied. "Do you read your Bible every day?" She nodded her head, "Yes." "Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes." With that, he asked his final question, "Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?"
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living. One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a stripper." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said, "Yes." "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. 'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocer,y gets the urge. It's a diarrhea run!!! She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. It's on him, the walls, etc. 'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks. He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'"
[FONT="]Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. [/FONT] [FONT="]Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. [/FONT] [FONT="]When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"[/FONT] [FONT="]His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!
[FONT="]Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak.[/FONT] [FONT="]Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and says, "Mommy, what's that?"[/FONT] [FONT="]Mommy, seeing the huge member, turns bright red and says, "Oh, that's nothing. Never mind. Come along now."[/FONT] [FONT="]A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a question. Once there, Johnny points to the elephant's member and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Dad replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?" "Yes, she told me it was nothing." "Well, your mom is Spoiled, son.
[FONT="]One day while Little Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that?"[/FONT] [FONT="]"Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be like this one of these days", replies Johnny's dad.[/FONT] [FONT="]Anyway the next day while in school Little Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom."[/FONT] [FONT="]"No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher. Not able to hold it in Little Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee. Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can with his back to the class, the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!" Little Johnny says, "That's nothing you should see my fathers."
Once a grade five teacher asked her students to make rhymes with their names.... Dan: My name is Dan,
when I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India & Japan
If I can, If I can.... Sally: My name is Sally
when I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby,
if I can, if I can.... Little Johnny: My name is John,
When I grow up to be a man,
Never mind India & Japan
I m gonna help SALLY with her plan!!!
I know I can, I know I can!!!