Little Johnny

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I had a problem yesterday, so I called Little Johnny, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Johnny clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Little Johnny grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:.............................................ID10T
"
I used to like Little Johnny, the little fart."

 

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Little Johnny comes home late from School one day and his
Dad asks,
"You're late, where have you been..?"

"With Jessica."
"Doing what..?"
"Revising."
Little Johnny then picks up a snack from off the Kitchen Table and says,
"Wow, these Fishcakes smell nice."

His Dad says, "Go wash your hands Son, cos they're frickin'
Doughnuts..!"

 

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During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:
“Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom. Michael?”
Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
Teacher: “That would be rude and impolite!!!
Teacher: “What about you Peter? How would you say it?”
Peter: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”
Teacher: “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny: “I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you’ll get to meet after supper. ”

The teacher fainted
 

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Little Johnny was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one.
Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced.
He watched until they started taking of their clothing.
That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man.
The man asked Little Johnny, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!"

Little Johnny replied, "My mom and dad told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone... and I think its happening, I feel I'm starting like becoming a stone!"
 

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One day Little Johnny asked his father"
“Dad, what is between moms legs?”
The father replied, “The door to heaven!”
“Then what is between yours?” Little Johnny again asked.
The father said, “The key to the door!”

Then Johnny said, “I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.”
 

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Little Johnny's teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.
Being a good teacher she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.
Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.
The teacher said, "that's very good Sue. What is it?"
Sue said, "that's a plate with only three carrot sticks to eat, I think that ...represents starvation."
Next went Dan, he drew a round circle with 3 dots in the middle.
The teacher said, "that's good Dan. What is it?"
Dan said, "that's a plate with only 3 peas to eat. I think that represents starvation."
Johnny went next. He drew a picture of a round circle with little squiggely lines all over in the circle.
The teacher said, "that's good Johnny. What is it?"

Johnny said, "That's an a--hole with cob webs........ If that isn't starvation, I don't know what is."
 

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Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.
Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”

“That’s great”, said Little Johnny,
”Coz he’d be f***** if he needed glasses”
 

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Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.
On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"
The dad answered, "Playing Cards".
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
The dad answered, "Your mom".
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?"
The sister answered, "Playing Cards."
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
She answered, "My boyfriend."
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally).
As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "What are you doing?"
Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."
The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"

Little Johnny answered,... "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!
 

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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners and asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.”

The teacher fainted…
 

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Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy'."

Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and give that kid some ice cream!"
 

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Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a blackeye. His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!

"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women.

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
 

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Little Johnny hears about 'Mable's adult fun plce' in school and asks his father what it was. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! – Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madam opens the door. "Yes?" she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The madam is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside.
She gives him THREE donuts and then bids him goodbye.


When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"

"I went to the 'Mable's'!" Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!"