Mackem jokes

Anna

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#1

A skint Mackem lass is left with no money after her boyfriend left her. So she prays to God to win the lottery.
After two weeks of watching the lottery results appear on teletext she prays to God again, only this time, she hears a voice from above saying, "Let's meet halfway on this, you Mackem skank, why don't you try buying a ticket?".
the lottery results appear on teletext she prays to God again, only this time, she hears a voice from above saying, "Let's meet halfway on this, you Mackem skank, why don't you try buying a ticket?".
 

Anna

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#2
The most popular car sticker in Sunderland:

A dog is for life, not just for the honeymoon"
 

Anna

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#4
Q: How can you tell when a Mackem lass has a orgasm?

A: She drops her chips
 

Anna

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#5
you know when you re from the northeast when...


1) You're not taking the piss when you say "Why Aye Man!"

2) You're cousin had a friend whos sister's friend's cousin was in Byker Grove

3) The Metro is a train AND where you buy things

4) You've heard of DJ Shrek

5) People ask you to "do the big brother voice"

6) You pray to Shearer, Gazza, Keano etc

7) You've heard of/been to the New Monkey

8) You say 'kets' and don't mean drugs

9) You can pronounce "bairn" - southerners have a right problem with this!

10) You end your sentences with "man" or "like"

11) For a night out you arm youself with tabs, bella, and out of date durex

12) You've partied at Vogue, and loved it

13) Cheryl Cole is your idol (lasses)

14) Bobby Robson is your idol (lads)

15) You've been to Durham Cathedral on a school trip

16) Greggs is everywhere..

17) You don't bother wearing a jacket to go clubbing, even when its snowing (coz we're hardd man!)

18) You know of Jimmy Jesus, Dave the Rave, The Durham Big Issue Woman, The dogs who wear the sunderland strips, the Durham Yellow Car

19) You find the Millenium Bridge romantic on a night

20) You know what Fenwicks is

21) You went to somewhere in the Lakes for a school weekend away

22) You know all the meanings of "canny"

23) Auf Wiedesen Pet makes sense

24) You're actually proud of a rusty structure slightly resembling a scarecrow. On a hill. On the A1.

25) "Mint" doesn't mean like a trebor

26) You were scared of the Lambton Worm as a child

27) You think the "Loveshack" bouncers are twats

28) You clap at the Great North Runners :)

29) Stotties!!

30) You drink stella, and you're a girl

31) You drink pints through a straw (girls)

32) You go the beach and the fair just beacause its summer, even though its raining

33) You go to the Air Show at Seaburn every year

34) You say "Charver" or "Charv" not fkn"chav"

35) You have at least one friend whos a young mum :)

36) Clubbing in Shields is classy

37) You've snogged someone in Wet and Wild jacuzzis

38) You're still amazed by the Sea Life Centre

39) You or your mam has partied on the Tuxedo Princess

40) After asking a few southeners what their 1st impressions of the northeast is we got: fighting, women fighting on the street, brown ale, black teeth and stanley knives??

41) You order gravy with your chips and no-one thinks its a bit wierd

42) You buy tea from men in black cars, and again dont find it wierd

43) Banter means you can totally slag someone off but no-ones allowed to get upset

44) You laugh at anyone other than your nana ordering a shandy

45) "HAREEET!" is perfectly normal

46) You can tell the difference between a mackem and a geordie, but to the rest of the country you're a geordie or scottish
 

Anna

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#7
Geordie and his marra Tucker Johnson had a big win on the pools. So they decided to go on a World Cruise. After a week at sea, the Captain called the Purser into his cabin to ask what influential people were on board, so he could invite them to his table. "Sir", said the Purser, "we have four film stars, three M.P.'s and two strange gentlemen from the North, who seem to be very wealthy". The Captain bade him to go round with invitations. Knocking on Geordie's cabin door, he was greeted by "Howay in Bonny Lad". When he entered; there was Geordie and Tucker, feet on the table, four bottles of Broon Ale, eating fish and chips. The Purser saluted, "Begging your pardon gentlemen", he said, "The Captains compliments. He requests your company at his table tonight. "Ye must be joking", says Geordie, "Ye divvent think Tuckers and me's gan te spend aal this money to eat with the bloody crew leike".
 

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#8
Q: What does a Geordie lass say after sex? A: Do you all play for the same team?

Q: How does a Geordie lass turn on the light after sex? A: She opens the car door.
 

Anna

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#9
Q:What does a Geordie lass use for protection when having sex? A: A bus shelter.

Q: What's the difference between a Geordie lass and an ironing board? A: You have trouble opening the legs on an ironing board.
 

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#11
Q: What does a Geordie lass put behind her ears to make her more attractive to men? A: Her feet.
 

Anna

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#12
Q: Why does a Geordie lass only have short dinner breaks when working? A: To avoid re-training.

Q: What's the difference between a Geordie lass and a sea monster? A: A sea monster doesn't put its phone number in your pocket after eating seaman.
 

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#13
Q: What has a Geordie lass and a computer got in common? A: You don't appreciate them until they go down on you.
 

Anna

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#14
Q: What's a Geordie lass idea of safe sex? A: Keeping the handbrake on.

Q What have a 3 pin plug and Newcastle United got in common.
A Their both completely useless in Europe.
 

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#15
Two Mags are walking along. One of them picks up a mirror, looks in it, and says "Hey, I know that bloke" The second one picks it up and says "Of course you do, Hinney - its me!"
 

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#16
Q: How many Geordie lass does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they only screw in cars.
 

squirt

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#17
[QUOTE="anna_hun, post: 2833051]Q: What does a Geordie lass put behind her ears to make her more attractive to men? A: Her feet.[/QUOTE]

not an easy task! lol :lookaroun :devil: :tounge2:
 

Anna

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#18
[QUOTE="squirt, post: 2833076]not an easy task! lol :lookaroun :devil: :tounge2:[/quote]
not quiet suitable for all occasions..lmbo:laugh::devil::laugh:
omg-that reminds me now of my sigtag you made me...haha
 

Anna

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#19
Geordie Sayings
(Extracts from The
Fairly Truthful Guide to Geordie)

Chaalkin’ on the bleezer
Not speaking to each other

Gettin’ off at Manors
Not finishing the job – Method of birth control

Wey aa’ll stand tappin’
I’m flabbergasted. That is a surprise!

Huw’s it hingin’?
How’s life treating you?

Aadivvenwannee
I’d rather not

Yedivvenhattee
You don’t have to

Eegannin?
Are you going?

Eeganaganwiwu?
Would you like to come with us?

He’s a reet heed-the-baall
He’s mad as a hatter

S’narf snaa’n
It is snowing heavily

Givin’ it six nowt
Putting in maximum effort
 

Anna

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#20
Medical Terms
(Extracts from The
Fairly Truthful Guide to Geordie)

Snottysneck
Common cold

Stottinheed
Headache

Oot o’ lamp oil
Poor sight

Bad wi’ the beor
Hangover

Gettn’ the smitt
Becoming infected

Cannaswallie
Sore throat

Skitters
Diarrhoea

Arse like a Mackem rosette
Inflamed haemorrhoids