Mackem jokes

brilor

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[FONT=&quot]It's that day again when people come up to me with their scary faces and frightening clothes with their hands held out wanting money.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I fucking hate my job at the benefits office in Mackemland.[/FONT]
 

brilor

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[FONT=&quot]A Mackem couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the f*****' Darts Team hadn't!
[/FONT]
 

brilor

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Found a false widow spider in the bath last nite. I told a Mackem at work.
He asked "what's that?"
I said a big white tub where we wash ourselves ya manky bastard!
 

brilor

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There's some thieving bastards where I live.
Last night someone stole my TV, Xbox, DVD player, all my porn, a big bag of weed and two bottles of vodka.
I wouldn't mind but I only left my cell for five minutes.
 

brilor

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The Mackem version of "Snow White," has been put on hold:
All 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jacker, Shoplifter, Drinker and Bludger, have refused to sing "Hi Ho."
They also say they have no intention of singing "It's off to work we go."
 

brilor

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Three women.....one engaged, one a mistress, and one married to a Mackem Guy, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night all three will wear a leather bodice S & M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again........
The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of
my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night
The one married to the Mackem Guy: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband
comes back from work, opens the door and says:................

'Alright Batman,
what's for dinner...?
 

konifur

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Only 22 shopping days till Christmas.


Or if your a Mackem that's three rape charges, six stolen TV's and an identity parade away.
 

konifur

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The night before Xmas throughout the Mackem house,
we were all fucked,
even the mouse.
Dad at the brothel,
mum with uncle Frank,
I'd settled down
for a nice slow wank.
Outside the house
I heard a right clatter,
I let go of my cock
to see what was the matter.
Out on the lawn
I saw a big dick,
I knew right away
It was old St Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell.
The big fat fucker,
I think he fell.
He filled all our stockings with sweets and beer,
and a big rubber cock
for my brother, the queer.
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart,
the big fat cunt
blew the house apart.
He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight,
Shoutin,I'll be back next year, have a hell of a night.
Merry Xmas.