I went to a Mackem wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me "Isn't the bride a right ugly bugger" "Do you mind? That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father" "I'm not . . . . I'm her mother you cheeky bastard"!
In London, they've queued outside Harrods since 10pm for the start of the boxing day sales. In Birmingham, Selfridges have reported that shoppers have been queuing up to 12 hours before opening time. In Mackemland, queues have reached up to a mile long for Poundland!
I WAS DELIGHTED when the debt company I owe money to said they were going to send some bay leaves round to my house. They're absolutely my favourite herb, so I borrowed a few quid and knocked up a chicken biryani, ready to eat with them. Imagine my shock therefore when two fat skinhead thugs in suits turned up on my doorstep and walked off with my cooker.