Mackem jokes

brilor

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Mackem lass says to her mum,
"I'm pregnant again, there must be something in the air."
Her mum says, " Yes, your fucking legs."
 

brilor

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My Mum always used to say to me, "Always go for ugly women, that way you know they'll always be faithful." Clearly she's never fucking watched the Jeremy Kyle show.
 

konifur

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Mackem Medical Dictionary.

Artery: The study of paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Barium: What you do when patients die.
Benign: What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan: Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
Dilate: To live long.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: Quicker than someone else.
Fibula: A small lie.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
Morbid: A higher offer.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
Node: I knew it.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectum: Nearly killed him.
Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour: One plus one more.
Urine: Opposite of you're out.
 

konifur

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A Mackem walks into a petrol station and says, "Gimme all the money in the till, or I'll blow you away!"

The cashier says, "But you haven't got a gun!"

"Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please."
 

brilor

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I was on a bus in Mackemland the other day when this Mackem offered me a seat.

These fuckers will sell anything.
 
Last edited:

brilor

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I remember the first time I visited Mackemland, I found it very hard to leave.
No I didn't fall in love with the place, I had my car stolen.
 

brilor

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I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving on benefits.
It's called "Alice in Sunderland".
 

brilor

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A TV company is looking for people from towns to appear in a documentary. They are looking for people with shaved heads, goatee beards, tattoos on knuckles, beer bellies and who can fart/belch at will.
Successful applicants will be allowed to take their husbands along with them.