Marriage Jokes

squirt

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It was at a cocktail party, and the guy was getting nowhere with a really stunning blonde. Finally, he consulted the host, a buddy, about the situation, and the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix her up one of my special Zombies. It'll get her so stiff that she'll go to bed with you just like your wife." "Hell, no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her that stiff."
 

mytime

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A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text.

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears..... I love you."

He replied, "I am taking a shit. What should I do?"
 

mytime

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Two drunks are making conversation at the bar:
-Tell me, how does your wife react when you come home drunk?
- I'm not married!
- And then why are you drinking?

YES, this IS a Marriage joke!
 

mytime

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So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we choose Marriage, slow but sure!
 

brilor

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[QUOTE="mytime, post: 4215196]A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text.

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears..... I love you."

He replied, "I am taking a shit. What should I do?"[/QUOTE]

send her a pic of it!
 

mytime

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I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you...

If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment...

Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
 

brilor

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The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and
packing his suitcase. "What happened?"

"What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my
wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and
guess what I found?...

My wife, yes my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the
end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this
story. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check
what happened."

Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I
said there must be a simple explanation...
Rachel didn't get your email."
 

brilor

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A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a
drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let
them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
 

mytime

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During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place.

"I was just stupid," I teased.

When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
 

squirt

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A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,

"No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool..!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our wedding video"
 

mytime

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There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssco!"

Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five."

"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I’m not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."

"Your wife is named "Crisco?"

"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we’re out in public."

"Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?"

"Lard ass."
 

mytime

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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
 

mytime

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Two guys are at the bar staring into their drinks, when one says, "Hey Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"

Harry says, "Yeah, all the time--her own and mine."
 

amina Mir

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Wedding Band

A man's girlfriend found his wedding ring in his pants pocket and when he was asleep she used Vaseline and put it on his penis. Now you decide what is worse...

A: Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
B: Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got around your penis
C: Finding out your penis fits thru your wedding ring
 

mytime

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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
 

mytime

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A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.

"You never even tell me when you're having an orgasm!" he yelled.

"How can I?" she shot back. "You're never here!"
 

mytime

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This has likely been posted before but it's worth repeating :sarcasm2:

Marriage is a 3-ring circus.

Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffer-ring.

:evilgrin:
 

squirt

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“Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“